A Thank You Letter to Porn

A Thank You Letter to Porn

This week is a really busy week. YM camp up in Enterprise and speaking at a Youth Conference here in town. The more angst that we have toward pornography, we think is going to create the motivation to stay away. But what that is more likely doing is giving it power over you. I think we think that if we create a harsh relationship with something, it will banish that thing from our lives. Often, the more we hate something, the more power it seems to have over us. It, somehow gets to live in our heads rent-free. When we are angry and bitter toward someone or something, that anger won’t let us move past that issue. How has hating porn helped you in this struggle? When we acknowledge it from a place of gratitude, we can acknowledge the role that it played in our life, learn from it more fully, and move beyond it when we’ve grown past it. Acknowledging the role that pornography played in your life. Acknowledging ways that porn helped you to survive when other coping methods didn’t work. This thank you, has allowed me to claim back my choice, claim back my ownership of my life and create closure from it. Gratitude for what it has done for us while also moving toward and choosing something that we do want, helps us move forward with power. It’s time to break up with porn. Dear porn, Thank you for being the trial that made me into a better person. I know that seems strange to say, but it’s the truth. Because of our relationship, I was driven to be an amazing provider and hard worker. I’m not proud of all the things I did with you and all the ways that I used you to mitigate my short-term discomfort. But I realize now, that’s not your fault. That was my choice and not something you made me do. Because I chose porn, I had a ready system to fall back on when my ability and skill at dealing with my life wasn’t enough. But I also used you as a crutch when I could have stood on my own. And that’s not your fault either. I chose that. So, thank you for being there and helping me when I really needed to do it myself. Thank you for helping me learn empathy. I’m grateful for my capacity to be kinder to those who struggle and less judgemental of their flaws. When I see someone who struggles with life, I used to wonder why they couldn’t get it together. Now I realize that they are just learning, growing, and trying their best. If I really want to help them, I can be there for them without judgment and with empathy for what they are going through. I also want to thank you for helping me find my purpose in life. Without porn I would probably never have become a coach helping people solve their own pornography problems. Here’s something that I never thought pornography would help me with, ever! Thank you, for helping me build the relationship, love, and intimacy that I had always wanted with my wife. Without this struggle, without pornography being the focal point of our marriage for so many years, I would not have learned to be honest and open with Darcy. I would not have learned to trust her, listen to her, and value that I can tell her anything, knowing that she can handle it and that we can resolve it, together. Thank you, for catalyzing this growth and helping me learn that I would be able to trust Darcy. I realize that most people who don’t want you in their lives see you as the reason for their misery. But because of you, I was able to learn how to become happy. Not because you make me happy, but because I had to learn the skills to leave you behind, and those skills I get to use in so many parts of my life to grow and learn, which makes me happy. Thank you Darcy thought it might be cool for her to also write a thank you letter to porn....

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Agency and Addictive behaviors

Agency and Addictive behaviors

Agency is a really important part of everyday life. Many of us think of it as our freedom of choice and in a lot of ways that’s right. For individuals who believe they are addicted to some behavior or another the phrase, “I can’t stop” is a typical refrain. I find it interesting and powerful that the phrase “I can’t stop” is the one we use. True addiction seems to include some compulsion, but we don’t say, “my body makes me do x” or some other phrase that indicates the external forces driving us to the end result. In terms of the Gospel we often discuss how agency is an important part of our time here on Earth. To have agency we must have three key items: 1 – Knowledge of what is right and what is wrong 2 – Consequences for our actions 3 – The ability to choose our actions The knowledge of what is right and wrong is something that most of us have a grasp on. We usually know that certain behaviors are not good and that others are. Consequences for our actions can come in many forms. They may be natural consequences that come without any intervention, like our conscience holding us accountable to ourselves. They may also come from external sources, such as the anger a spouse may show because we have violated their trust. Both of these first two items usually occur without much difficulty. The third item on the list, the ability to choose, is the place where all the friction happens. Yes, obviously, making good decisions and making bad decisions is built into our freedom of choice. But where we are going wrong, especially when it comes to addictive behavior, is when we say, “I can’t”. I have a lot of kids and my least favorite phrase out of their mouths is “I can’t”. They say it when it comes to cleaning, they say it when it comes to calling people on the phone, they even say it when it comes to interacting with other people outside of their comfort zone. At that moment, they are abdicating their agency by abdicating their ability to choose. They are creating, within their minds a mental block over which they believe they have no power. They are creating a mental construct where they are not granted the capacity to choose to do or not do something but that they are at the mercy of external forces. Think about it, when your kid says “I can’t clean my room” and you threaten them with not being able to go out and play until it is done, even if they then clean the room they have not “chosen” it. It has been forced on them, in their mind at least. The same thing is happening with pornography use and other addictive behaviors. We say, “I can’t” because our lower brain is running a script that our higher brain, seems unable to interrupt without a great deal of will power. That is partly because what we have done is set a habit that our lower brain controls, by giving into urges that feed one of our primal brain’s three main goals. Those goals are to conserve energy, seek pleasure and avoid pain. Then, in a type of automatic assembly line, our lower brain gets set on a path that is well worn, starting with an urge. When we say, “I can’t stop”, our brain wants to be right. When we keep on the path of our addictive behavior, we begin to prove how right we are to our own brain. There is a lot of complicated science that bears this out in the field of epigenetics, but for the purpose of this article none of that really matters. What matters is taking back our agency. Agency is a tricky thing. When we choose habits and behaviors that have negative consequences there comes a whittling away of our agency. Like the kid who cannot choose to play because he chose to not clean his room. But when we choose habits and behaviors that have positive impact our consequences are just as direct but leave us with more choices. None of this is probably new to you. set up a free mini-session at zachspafford.com/workwithme

3 Okt 201913min

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