D.A.R.V.O. and the Dangling Carrot

Have you ever felt like you’re the one to blame for all the problems in the relationship? Why is that? What is that called?

In today’s episode, Sarah deconstructs a gaslighting experience, highlighting the D.A.R.V.O. method. Join Sarah and her guest, Lauren, as they talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex. They’ll get specific about a trip to the mountains, and how that epitomized so many gaslighting experiences in Lauren’s relationship with her ex. .

Word of the day: D.A.R.V.O., which stands for defend/deny, attack, reverse victim offender. The main point here being VICTIM. Many people who do gaslighting behaviors are never to blame for their behaviors, choices, or even feelings – it’s your fault, their mom’s fault, heck – even the dog’s fault – but NEVER theirs.

Story time: Sarah and Lauren talk about Lauren’s relationship with her ex-husband of six years, and some of the components of the gaslighting experiences she had:

• He would say that if only she would do x, y, or z, then maybe he could find a way to feel that way about her again. So she would do x, y, *and* z and it wouldn’t work.
• This is where we started talking about “The Dangling Carrot”!

Deconstruction Zone:

• Gaslighter’s behavior: Used D.A.R.V.O. to avoid taking responsibility
• Flowchart:
• Undermining, coercion, overstating his needs + minimizing her attempts to love, belittling, punishing by withdrawing/silent treatment, and putting the responsibility on her to “fix it”.
• Diversion, ignoring reality/ignoring her requests, “highlighting flaws”, and invalidating her needs and feelings.
• Gaslightee’s flowchart:
• Explanation & Negotiation traps – hard time acknowledging being treating badly & self-blame = I can “fix” it.

Set your alarm: Look out for DARVO. Biggest key is imbalance – if the other person is pretty much NEVER taking responsibility for things/someone else is always to blame; they paint themselves as victim (joke about chalk); and especially if YOU are the one that is always at fault, whatever the reason may be. Slow down, check in with yourself – get curious.

Closing: Thank you for listening to today’s podcast. If you liked it, please leave a review and subscribe, and if you think others would benefit from it, please share it. And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

And once again, I leave you with the anthem of this podcast: Not Today…

Visit Sarah's website to download her FREE guide: How to handle a gaslighting experience when you see one and/or Assessment here

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