The Mirage of Choice

Have you ever found yourself playing the “If/then” game? Like, “If I could only (do this better), then they wouldn’t get so upset with me”? That can be due to experiencing gaslighting, and Sarah is here to deconstruct that for you so that you don’t fall into it anymore!

If you’re listening for the first time, Sarah works with people in a variety of ways to understand gaslighting, shift the power, and heal from the effects gaslighting has had on them. If you’d like to learn more, please visit her website here.

Word of the day: Concession: the act of conceding or yielding, as a right, a privilege, or a point or fact in an argument; something allowed or given up, often in order to end a disagreement. One of Sarah’s biggest passions is to help people awaken to how they are making concessions in their lives and relationships. Jeannie’s story is the perfect example of how this sounds, AND plays out in our lives…

Storytime: Sarah and Jeannie discuss the recurring experience with Jeannie’s ex-boyfriend, where she was told to make choices, but when she did, she experienced a variety of gaslighting behaviors that were basically consequences (unless her choice was the same one her ex wanted, too).

• They talked about the role of the “non-choice choice”, or what ended up being a mirage of having choice… Jeannie’s ex only made it LOOK like she had a choice, but she didn’t.
• They talk about the role of making concessions in their dynamic; how she would sacrifice her needs/safety in order to benefit him/his needs.

Deconstruction Zone:

• The main point: the Ex’s end game; It jumped out at Sarah when she read Jeannie’s words: “I quickly learned that he wanted to know what I wanted, as long as that was what he wanted too.”
• Predominant gaslighting pattern:
• Mind games: make it look like he gave Jeannie a choice > only okay when it’s what he also wanted; when not what he wanted – “dealer’s choice” (including combinations of the following):
• Exaggerate his wounds, highlight her “flaws”, refuse to accept answers, give in and then be resentful/find something to be upset about and then blame her (DARVO).
• All = undermine, break down and control
• Combined with coercion
• Effect = Break down of independence = “conditioned”
• The combination of Jeannie trying to see things from other’s perspective + seeing/doing the work of trying to anticipate/meet needs/balance his moods filters into the Empathy and Negotiation traps… put these two together, and it’s the perfect recipe for making concessions: “they feel this way because ____, and IF I can _____, then ______ (Negotiation).

Set Your Alarm: Two things to pay attention to:

1. Concession vs compromise
2. Pause vs discard

Remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!

Have a question you'd like Sarah to answer? Submit questions here

Want to share your experience on the podcast with Sarah? Request to be on podcast here