EPISODE 17. "I Am So In Love With My Imagination of You." (Captivity Within The Imagination of Another)

In this episode we explore how our partner or spouse may be in love with the imagination of us rather than who we really are (and/or, vice versa). We discuss the limitations caused by this phenomenon; how we may have been in this predicament for years and not been able to put it into words; how we may have felt the constraints associated with this condition of merely being the figment of another’s imagination. We explore how this captivity within the imagination of another, is psychology similar to the captor and captive in a relationship that involves a psychopath. This narcissistic trajectory may seem frightening, yet, it is crucial for our (relational) wellbeing to examine this phenomenon in our own lives and intimate relationships in order to identify if we are indeed holding another captive in our imagination, or, if we ourselves, are the captive of another. This discernment helps us understand disgruntlement or limitations we may feel in our intimate relationship, yet, have never spoken of because we lacked the knowledge and language to identify and enunciate the phenomenon. It may have merely presented as frustration, name-calling, feeling controlled, unseen, misunderstood....or, as captor, feeling a loss of control in regard to our spouse; our stated lover.

Being held captive within another’s imagination is common. In fact, we’ve all probably done it at one time (some more than others), as well as had it happen to us; that is, having an imagined version of ourselves superimposed onto the depth and breadth of who, in actuality, we are. When this phenomenon exists between two people in an intimate relationship, emotional and physical intimacy wanes or becomes nearly non-existent. Similarly, a desire to learn about the other, fades. A quarrelsome tenor defines the relationship. The person being held captive feels hindered in efforts to explore new areas of living. His spouse demands (however unwittingly or subtly), that he comply with the boundaries of her imagined version of him. If the captor in the scenario, has been relating to others in this manner for a long time, she may be unable to ever discern between the imagined person and the actual one, her partner. The captive feels trapped and bucks against an invisibility he has no words for. The relationship simply feels stultified, and he feels hopeless or, resigned.

This phenomenon can go on for years within a marriage. The captive may have succumbed to the imagined version of himself and now, actually plays the role that his spouse has superimposed onto him (and expects of him), while harboring a grudge, or great melancholia in regard to the relationship. The captor has little interest in the captive expressing concern regarding his frustration. An estrangement forms between the lovers. All efforts to explore new territory (e.g.: a new profession, a renewed creative expression, interest in new foods, people, and travel), may seen as threats by the captor who has a stake in maintaining a status quo, her imagined other behaving in the expected manner. Hence, the captive is thwarted in his efforts to fulfill certain desires and longings in life. The captive feels profoundly misunderstood or unrecognized, and, in fact, is.

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This podcast is a production of Honestly Speaking LLC. Suzann Kole, Ph.D. has worked in academe and the mental health field for over 40 years. She holds a Doctorate in Clinical Psychology and Narrative Studies (an area of linguistics).