E01 - The Divinity of Desire with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife

Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D in Counseling Psychology from Boston College. She wrote her dissertation on LDS women and sexuality, has taught college-level courses on human sexuality, and currently teaches online and community-based relationship and sexuality courses to LDS couples. She is a frequent contributor on the subjects of sexuality, mental health, and spirituality to LDS-themed blogs, magazines, and podcasts. She maintains a private practice in Chicago where she lives with her husband and three children. She is an active member of the LDS church.

2:35 Jennifer’s workshop “Art of Desire”

4:15 The meaning frames that humans create to justify or explain their circumstances

6:45 It is necessary to integrate your god-given sexuality

8:00 “False tradition” says that sexuality is a necessary evil

8:35 Mormon theology for sexuality

9:10 Ways to be evil

10:15 Sexuality and goodness

11:15 Adjusting to marriage

14:00 Steps to cultivating god-given desire

14:30 we run our own sexuality, it doesn’t run us

16:45 What happens when you’re afraid of your sexuality (repression or indulgence)

18:15 Sexual contract - marriage is a chosen relationship; to know and be known

20:45 Marriage pushes your development

21:30 What can my marriage teach me?

22:15 “Ticks and moles”

23:10 You live in the environment that you create

23:45 We self deceive and collude in not dealing with troubles (polite marriage vs intimate marriage)

24:15 Measuring quality of marriage

25:30 Can there be room for the best of both partners? We often want our own limitations to prevail while expecting our spouses’ limitations to disappear

26:00 Victim mentality (guilt your spouse into submission) It may look like there’s peace, but there will be underlying anger and resentment.

27:00 Unrealistic fantasy of “oneness”

28:00 Using the validation of others to sustain your own sense of self

28:50 “In the name of Love, we can sometimes suck the lives out of our spouses” (validate me, reinforce me)

29:45 Choose to love someone, limitations and all

30:00 Breaking the bond of using someone else for your own validation

31:40 Even if your partner says all the right words, it won’t land anywhere if you don’t feel it in your heart

32:30 Taking accountability for your own life

33:15 “False tradition” if women want to develop vs nurture, then they are selfish (we’ve come to earth to develop and create)

34:30 Create a sense of self

34:50 Self deception is Satan’s path

35:20 Taking responsibility for your own emotions

37:25 Don’t try to manage your partner in order to manage yourself. Trying to control things we have no control over, like our spouses, distracts us from focusing on what we CAN control, like ourselves

38:45 What are my blind spots that I have yet to confront?

39:00 One of the kindest things you can do for your partner is to manage yourself (anxiety is infectious). This allows them to in turn manage THEMSELVES

40:20 Ask yourself “what am I pretending not to know about my role in these circumstances”

41:00 Confronting yourself is a scary thing, especially in a sexual relationship

42:00 Own your own desire and ask for what you want vs covert contracts

42:45 Owning your desire exposes you to the possibility of rejection. This is true intimacy and true vulnerability

43:20 “you’re not allowed to complain about not getting something you’ve never asked for”

44:05 it’s easier to sit in an entitled resentment thinking “you owe me” instead of asking for what you want and risking not getting it.

44:45 When we don’t take responsibility of our desires, we stunt the development of our marriages and of ourselves

44:55 if you’re not getting what you want in your marriage - #1 have you asked for it? #2 are you doing your part to create the possibility of getting it?

46:40 We’re good at thinking about all of the things we think we are owed, but not so good at confronting our part in he negative reality we are living in

47:10 Make it easy for your partner to give you what you want

48:25 The theology of Mormonism contains the architecture for creating amazing marriages

49:15 you come to know God through behavior, not ideas. It’s the way you act in our marriage that is a reflection of how much you understand God.