E02 - Four Pillars of Marriage with Brad and Debi Wilcox

Brad Wilcox is a professor in the Department of Ancient Scripture at Brigham Young University where he also enjoys working with such programs as Especially for Youth, Women’s Conference, and Campus Education Week. He is the author of the book, The Continuous Atonement, and the BYU devotional, “His Grace is Sufficient.” Brad grew up in Provo, Utah except for childhood years spent in Ethiopia, Africa. He served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Chile and later returned to that country to preside over the Chile Santiago East Mission from 2003-2006. He and his family have also lived for a time in New Zealand and Spain where he directed study abroad programs for Brigham Young University. Brad has served as a member of the Sunday School General Board. He and his wife, Debi, have four children and six grandchildren. Reading, writing, teaching, and traveling are some of his favorite things. He loves Peanut M&M's and pepperoni pizza, but he realizes that doesn't sound too healthy so he is really trying hard to learn to love salads.

• 2:54 - Elder Faust asked Brad and Debbie Wilcox to be a model of a happy marriage to their missionaries
• 3:45 - “Always go to the funeral”
• 5:20 - We all want to make a difference in the world, but that starts with making a difference in your family
• 6:00 - What Brad and Debbie are still learning after 35 years of marriage (lifelong learning, “empty nest” stage)
• 7:50 - How Brad and Debbie met and fell in love
• 11:00 - Things fell more into place when the pressure was off
• 11:45 - First Kiss
• 12:34 - Things progress more naturally in dating when there isn’t so much pressure
• 13:45 - Sometimes things don’t just “fall into place” naturally when you meet the right person. It takes an intentional choice to give things a try. It takes vulnerability and risk.
• 15:00 - The transition that happened when baby came along - they had to be more intentional in their marriage
• 15:45 - The purpose of marriage is growth; the relationship matures over time
• 17:15 - “Love isn’t two people looking madly at each other, love is two people looking in the same direction” The maturity and growth happens while working towards a common goal and purpose
• 18:45 - The four “legs on a table” of a relationship (emotional/social, intellectual, spiritual, physical), and how strength comes in having a balance of all four.
• 19:39 - the purpose of an engagement - strengthen the pillars of emotional/social, intellectual, and spiritual before adding in the physical helps to create a strong foundation
• 21:50 - How each of the four pillars of a relationship help with the “hard work” of marriage
• 23:55 - Intellectual - It’s not necessarily about sharing interests, but showing interest in the other person’s interests. Share your world with each other.
• 25:55 - Emotional/social pillar
• 27:00 - Spiritual pillar
• 27:50/31:15 - It’s not always realistic to have scripture study and prayer together as a couple. As long as each individual working on their spirituality separately, that adds to the spiritual pillar of the relationship.
• 29:15 - Simply being active in the church and having a temple recommend helps to be on the same page with core values
• 29:30 - Fear of marriage in young people, and common causes of divorce
• 30:20 - If you can live a certain way before marriage, it is a good indicator that you will be able to continue living that way after marriage (activity in the church, living within your means, etc).
• 30:55 - The church alone can give a couple the spiritual connection the marriage needs.
• 31:30 - Individual spiritual habits fulfill a need in our lives
• 33:30 - Physical Pillar - men and women compliment each other with the emotional and physical sides of an intimate relationship.
• 34:35 - “Choreplay”
• 35:10 - Air traffic controllers vs Bowlers (landing airplanes vs knocking down the pins)
• 37:25 - We’re meant to go together; we teach other to create a fuller and more meaningful experience
• 37:50 - Different temptations for men and women
• 38:10 - Avoidable mistakes of young couples
• 41:30 - Problem solving vs listening
• 41:45 - Asking for what you need instead of expecting your partner to “just know”
• 42:45 - “You’re not allowed to complain about something you’ve never asked for”
• 44:20 - Our society has taught us that asking for what we want is selfish - these leads to covert contracts. “My partner should just know what I need”
• 46:00 - It’s easy to get discouraged, but just caring about making your marriage better shows that you are on the right track.
• 46:30 - Satan will never have a marriage, and will never have a family. No wonder he is out to destroy our families.
• 47:20 - “A problem identified, is a problem half-solved”
• 48:20: - An example of real-life compromise