Ask a Mormon Sex Therapist #31

QUESTION #1

My wife and I have been married for several years. Arousal used to come easily, but in the past two years, severe depression has taken its toll on my libido. When it's not depression, it's chronic fatigue. Arousal now takes far more effort than it used to. I've found that things like roleplay and reading erotica have helped to overcome these hurdles. These are things we've done and enjoyed in the past, but have become more prevalent during the times of depression, as they seem to provide a shortcut to arousal. This is helpful because, as a normally high drive person, I want to want it, even if the body doesn't react as freely. I don't require them for arousal, but arousal doesn't happen on its own as much anymore.

The problem is that my wife has put on weight in recent years, and she is often convinced that my lower libido is due to this. She often feels like the roleplay is my way of pretending she was in better shape, or a different person.

How can I help her to know that it's a depression issue, and that my roleplays & erotica are being used to "jump start" my libido, and are not meant to replace her? How can I help her to not feel threatened by them?

QUESTION #2

Thank you for all that you do! My husband and I are huge fans of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife! We have taken her courses and they have changed our lives for the better! We have been married 11 years and have 2 small children.

I am currently pregnant with our third child. While my husband and I have made great strides in our sexual relationship and I have taken monumental steps to claim my sexuality, I feel that my pregnancy has made me regress. I am so thankful to be able to carry children, but I do not feel sexually aroused while pregnant. My husband is so kind and tells me I’m beautiful, so the problem is not how he sees me. The problem is how I see myself. I tend to gain a lot of weight during pregnancy, which then takes me about a year to lose. With the weight gain, the fluctuating emotions, and how tired I become, sex is just not something I am interested in. Body image is a huge factor in this.

I would like to be more intimate with my husband, without feeling anxiety about my changing body. How can I feel sexual while pregnant? I’m sure I’m not the only woman who feels this way!

QUESTION #3

I only learned about Joseph Smith’s polygamy, the doctrine of polygamy as explained in the scriptures and it’s extent in our temple dealings about 15 years ago. It has had a profound effect on how I view myself, my marriage and God. I am fearful of dying and resent this view of women.

When I ask family or friends how they cope with this they say they just don’t think about it or say they know in the next life we’ll be perfect. I find myself trying to be perfect so I don’t get replaced. Can you help me move past this fear so I can more fully enjoy my marriage?