424: How to Give Negative Feedback In a Loving Way

How to Give Critical / Negative Feedback In a Loving, Constructive Way AND How to Avoid the Common Traps

Today's podcast features Dr. Jill Levitt, Director of Training at the www.FeelingGoodInstitute.com in Mountain View, California and co-leader of David's weekly TEAM-CBT training group at Stanford. Rhonda and I are psyched, because every podcast or teaching event with Jill is almost certain to be fabulous. And this podcast is no exception!

Rhonda asks members of her Wednesday training group (see below for contact information of you think you might want to join) to take turns teaching the group. One week she was puzzled because almost no one filled in their feedback forms, and when she asked them why, they said that they had some concerns about the teaching but didn't feel comfortable criticizing the person who taught.

Some of the criticisms they share with Rhonda were:

• It was boring.
• I didn't learn anything new.
• The teacher didn't explain anything in a way that I could understand.

Is this a problem that you have as well? Do you find it hard to criticize others, and keep quiet on the assumption that saying nothing is better than opening your mouth and saying something hurtful?

If so, I have some good news and some bad news for you. First, the bad news. Tonight, you'll discover exactly why and how saying nothing is actually a pretty hostile and mean thing to do.

But here's the GOOD news. You'll also learn the secrets of how to deliver criticism in a way that's loving, authentic, and helpful if—and that might be a big IF—that's something you're willing to do!

A sage—cannot remember who—once said that "When you say nothing, you're actually shouting quietly.

What in the world does THAT mean?

And Robert Frost, in his famous poem, Fire and Ice, wrote:

Some say the world will end in fire,

Some say in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire

I hold with those who favor fire.

But if it had to perish twice,

I think I know enough of hate

To say that for destruction ice

Is also great

And would suffice.

Essentially, Frost is saying that if you're angry, there are two classic ways of being aggressive; you can be fiery and agitated and attack the other person, verbally or physically, or you can be cold and withdraw, saying nothing, so as to freeze the other person out. These are opposite extremes but are equally destructive. And, for most of us, difficult impulses to resist.

But there's a third alternative, which might be, according to Robert Frost, the "road less traveled by." You can express your negative feelings, including anger, in a respectful, or even loving way. And that's the focus of today's show.

My show notes will only give an overview, but the richness of this particular podcast is in the actual dialogue and role-play demonstrations with critical feedback. We began with an overview of some of the key techniques when giving someone negative feedback, including stroking and "I Feel" Statements, but emphasized that your tone, goal, and spirit is the entire key to how you come across, and how the other person responds.

Jill told a moving and dramatic story of an interaction with her mother, who has been quite ill, and she'd been having a really hard week. Her mom sent Jill a lengthy text outlining all of her problems and ending with, "you guys don't really know how I'm hurting," and the implication was, "you don't know--or care." This was understandably hurtful to Jill.

Jill's about the most awesome daughter any mother could have. Jill wanted to clear the air and tell her mom how she'd felt, rather than keeping her negative feedback hidden. Her mom clearly felt lonely, so when Jill saw her in person, she said something along these lines: "I know you've been struggling, but I felt hurt and discounted when I read your note. I felt like the things I've done didn't matter, and I felt hurt."

Her mom began to cry and said, "the last thing I want you to feel is that I don't appreciate you."

This conversation was challenging, but brought them much closer together.

The podcast crew discussed the important question of our mixed motivations about sharing our feelings, and our confusion about how to do this in an effective, loving way, if you do decide to open up.

Rhonda confided that she'd never had those kinds of open conversations with either of her parents, and that these kinds of difficult conversations can come from a place of love.

You can review the Five Secrets of Effective Communication if you click HERE. The Five Secrets are all about talking with your EAR: E = Empathy, A = Assertiveness, and R = Respect. However, there's a lot of intense resistance to using the Five Secrets, so I promised to include my list of 12 GOOD Reasons NOT to

• Listen (E = Empathy)
• Share your feelings (A = Assertiveness)
• Treat the other person with respect (R = Respect)

That makes 36 reasons in all! You can link to the list HERE.

People want to feel understood, and the best way to make that happen is by giving what you hope to receive. And you can learn how to listen more skillfully If you read my book, Feeling Good Together, and do the written exercises while reading. You'll learn a ton that can change your life and greatly enhance your relationships with the people you love.

Thanks for listening today!!

Jill, Rhonda, and David