201: "Why Did You Do It?" How to Navigate the Hardest Question After Pornography Use

201: "Why Did You Do It?" How to Navigate the Hardest Question After Pornography Use

Want help uncovering the real reasons behind your urges and building a plan to overcome pornography use?

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sam@healingcouples.org

Episode Description:

After porn addiction is discovered in a relationship, one question almost always rises to the surface: “Why did you do it?”

It’s one of the most difficult conversations couples face after betrayal trauma, especially when it involves porn addiction and marriage. Wives are often left reeling — trying to make sense of what happened, searching for answers, and feeling like their entire reality has shifted. Husbands, on the other hand, feel overwhelmed, defensive, or shut down — thinking, “I already told her everything. What more can I say?”

In this episode, we break down why the question “Why did he watch porn?” keeps coming up, and why giving the “right answer” is never really the point. We’ll explore what’s actually going on beneath the surface — and how to respond in a way that leads to emotional connection after betrayal instead of more disconnection.

You’ll learn:

  • Why “just being honest” isn’t always enough to rebuild trust after pornography

  • How this question is often tied to deeper needs for emotional connection and safety

  • Why shame and disclosure can block real healing if not handled with clarity

  • How couples can begin healing from betrayal without getting stuck in endless rehashing

  • The real reason most conversations break down when porn addiction recovery begins — and how to change that dynamic

  • Practical tools for both partners to navigate this with compassion and presence

If you’re navigating trust after pornography, this episode will help you stop spinning in circles and start having the conversations that actually move you forward.

Whether you're early in your porn recovery marriage journey or years into the process, this episode will help you understand how to talk through the pain — not around it — and finally feel like you're making progress together.

Episoder(218)

Sex: Processing Triggers, Rejection, Creating Safety and Feeling Desire

Sex: Processing Triggers, Rejection, Creating Safety and Feeling Desire

Sexual intimacy is one of the most damaged aspects of a marriage after there's been betrayal from porn addiction. Yet most couples, don't know how to restore intimacy in a healthy way, navigate the triggers, rejection, and increase trust and desire. Listen in on an actual coaching session where I help a couple process through triggers and rejection to ultimately feel closer than they ever have together in this area. Take the tools you hear me share with them and apply them to your own situation to see growth and results in this area of your marriage as well. Want access to a free course I created for my podcast listeners? Simply go to www.coupleshealing.org and in the course you'll learn some top strategies to find healing from addiction and trauma, rebuild trust, experience freedom, and begin to reconnect with each other in the relationship. Want to get in touch? I'd love to hear from you! If you want help healing addiction, trauma, and the relationship, you can get in touch with me at support@healingcouples.org Feel free to submit questions or topics you'd like covered in future podcast episodes!

25 Feb 202137min

Relationship Healing For Difficult Marriages

Relationship Healing For Difficult Marriages

Can you heal your marriage if he's still falling back into the addiction? What if there is abuse? And is it really safe to be doing work on the relationship early on? (Hint: it's not what you think..) I talk about each of these scenarios and help you thread the needle through how complex things can get when you're trying to heal and move forward. Want access to a free couple's course I created for my podcast listeners? Simply go to www.coupleshealing.org and in the course you'll learn some top strategies to find healing from addiction and trauma, rebuild trust, experience freedom, and begin to reconnect with each other in the relationship.   Want to get in touch? I'd love to hear from you! If you want help healing addiction, trauma, and the relationship, you can get in touch with me at support@healingcouples.org Feel free to submit questions or topics you'd like covered in future podcast episodes!

19 Feb 202128min

The Most Harmful 6-Letter Word That Prevents Permanent Healing

The Most Harmful 6-Letter Word That Prevents Permanent Healing

There is a 6 letter word that MOST people identify with and they need to stop if they want to stop watching porn for good! So if your goal is to heal from addiction or trauma, avoiding this at all costs if crucial. Want to get in touch? I'd love to hear from you! If you want help healing addiction, trauma, and the relationship, you can get in touch with me at support@healingcouples.org Feel free to submit questions or topics you'd like covered in future podcast episodes! Want access to a free course I created for my podcast listeners? Simply go to www.coupleshealing.org and in the course you'll learn some top strategies to find healing from addiction and trauma, rebuild trust, experience freedom, and begin to reconnect with each other in the relationship.

11 Feb 202122min

When One Spouse HATES Talking About Feelings – Do THIS

When One Spouse HATES Talking About Feelings – Do THIS

It's true.. my wife HATES talking about how she feels.. (for real) And I know there are a lot of people out there who are married to someone who feels similar... So in this episode I explain exactly how I navigate it and still create a strong relationship with her. I give you a behind-the-scenes look into my own marriage with her with an undercover recorded conversation where I model for you how to approach a sensitive subject and handle push back. And no, the conversation we had wasn't staged.. she didn't know I did it at the time. I talked to her afterwards and she didn't care. :) Want to get in touch? I'd love to hear from you! If you want help healing addiction, trauma, and the relationship, you can get in touch with me at support@healingcouples.org Feel free to submit questions or topics you'd like covered in future podcast episodes! Want access to a free course I created for my podcast listeners? Simply go to www.coupleshealing.org and in the course you'll learn some top strategies to find healing from addiction and trauma, rebuild trust, experience freedom, and begin to reconnect with each other in the relationship.

5 Feb 202125min

He Says He‘s Telling The Truth.. But How Can She Know

He Says He‘s Telling The Truth.. But How Can She Know

How can she know if he's telling truth? After she find out about his porn addiction, it makes her question everything.. Listen to today's episode to hear my thoughts and how you can avoid the dreaded back and forth of: Her: "I can't believe what you're saying." Him: "I'm telling you the truth."  Her: "No, you're not." Him: "Yes. I don't know what else you want me to say..." And as always, this episode is for both her AND him, because it's important for him to know how to navigate these moments too – Many times he IS telling the truth, but she can still have reservations and not believe it.   >>> Get in Touch! >> Free Course

28 Jan 202130min

The Key to Unlock & Sustain His Motivation For Change

The Key to Unlock & Sustain His Motivation For Change

What should you do he is resistant to changing or fully committing to overcoming the addiction? The answer might surprise both of you.  In this episode, he will begin to see that motivation isn’t as important as everyone says it is, and she’ll discover that there’s a lot more hope for change than she expected. >>> Get in Touch! >> Free Course

21 Jan 202130min

The Best Approach to Heal a Relationship Damaged By Pornography Addiction

The Best Approach to Heal a Relationship Damaged By Pornography Addiction

If you want a stronger relationship, but have been told to focus on yourself instead, this episode will be your guide to perfectly integrating both aspects. Sadly, most couples are unintentionally neglecting one of the greatest sources of healing, and I want to show you exactly how you can start to tap into and get support from this resource. >>> Get in Touch! >> Free Course

15 Jan 202136min

Five Unexpected Ways She is Impacted by Pornography Addiction

Five Unexpected Ways She is Impacted by Pornography Addiction

The impact of an addiction on a partner/spouse can be significant. In this episode I share 5 of the most commonly-seen affects addiction has on her and what she can do to start the healing process. >>> Free Course

8 Jan 202136min

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