112 – My Whole Life Is a Success

Andrew called me from Connecticut after a move from Maryland. He told me that he’s been through a lot in his life. He’s a transracial, international adoptee who grew up in a predominantly white community there in Connecticut. He shares how he strode to overachieve in athletics and performing arts to try to overshadow his brown skin, the unmistakable mark of being an adoptee in his community. However he credits his strong Catholic faith for getting him through everything, including coming out as a gay man. This is Andrew’s journey.

Andrew (00:02):

On top of all the other portions of my identity, I prayed my little heart out because as an adoptee here, as someone brought into this family, my biggest fear was that they could potentially send me back because I'm gay. So with that fear, I prayed even harder.

Damon (00:32):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis and on today's show, you're going to meet Andrew. He called me from Connecticut after a move from here in Maryland, Andrew told me, that he's been through a lot in his life. He's a trans-racial international adoptee who grew up in a predominantly white community there in Connecticut. He shares how he Strode to achieve in athletics and performing arts to try to overshadow his Brown skin, the unmistakable mark of being an adoptee in his community. However, he credits his strong Catholic faith for getting him through everything, including coming out as a gay man. This is Andrew's journey.

Damon (01:36):

Andrew was born in the Philippines, but grew up in Brookfield, Connecticut. His parents were white and they had one son who was biological to them. And six years, Andrew senior, when she was pregnant with Andrew's brother, the doctor told his mother her pregnancy was so difficult that having another child was not a good idea. When Andrew was adopted, he was about 10 months old. His parents received him at the airport. Andrew said, growing up in that area was quite an experience. He was loved, accepted and cared for as part of the family. But back in the late eighties, trans racial adoptions, weren't as prevalent as they are now, especially in a small town in Connecticut. He said his mother experienced a fair number of interesting encounters with members of the community.

Andrew (02:28):

So, I mean, this was all stories told back to me, um, as I have grown, but, uh, there was one time when she had me in her, in the baby carriage. And, uh, she was in the department store shopping around, um, and a fellow shopper looked into the carriage you see me the, uh, the Brown baby, the Brown son that adopted, um, and looks back at my mother almost with a face or perplexed face, um, and simply asks, why did you do that? Um, and that was, that was one of the first moments that my mother and family experienced something to that effect because prior to that, they already had me and showing me around the community. And, uh, I grew up Roman Catholic. So, uh, you know, meeting all the fellow parishioners and neighbors and, and loved ones and they received nothing but positive feedback of, of acceptance. Uh, but this is one of the first occurrences that I have been told that my mother remembers experiencing racial discrimination.

Damon (03:44):

Andrew said his mother was shocked and surprised in that moment of negative feedback about her interracial adoption in the face of broader acceptance in the community. It must have been confusing. So I figured it must have been tough growing up in a predominantly white community as an adoptee.

Andrew (04:02):

It was an experience because, you know, I was, I was noticeably not from my parents. So that story of being adopted and being essentially delivered to my parents and family was an ongoing story that I always heard growing up. Um, because that was their way of, that was their way of being clear and open about my adoption or where I came from. Uh, for me being one of the few Brown people of color of my, my students, my fellow classmates and everything, it was challenging. You know, I, I carry a very positive spirit. I carry a smile, um, along the way of life, um, growing up and, and even today, but as part of this community, as part of this town, and as I stood out, as I do, there's a bit of pressure that is that way over me about that. Um, and I think a lot of that difference that I, the differences that I have, uh, being adopted, um, being Filipino and brown in a sea of fellow students and classmates and friends, I think that's part of the, the motivation that I had behind, you know, doing well in school and playing soccer and just excelling and trying to do the best and excelling as most I can to combat those questions, I guess.

Andrew (05:44):

Um, so that people didn't see that I was different. What they saw was a student, they saw a scholar, they saw an athlete, they saw a singer, they saw, um, a member of a prominent member of the parish. It didn't see a Filipino boy.

Damon (06:00):

Did you get the feeling that your efforts to sort of overachieve worked? Did you feel like you were hiding in plain sight?

Andrew (06:10):

Yeah. Those efforts work. And to be honest, I didn't actually think about that until I just said that and share that with you. And I don't, I don't think it was a conscious decision that I need I can give was a subconscious decision that was made in my, my young mind and young bodied mind that I need to do this so that people don't see the other,

Damon (06:36):

Given Andrew was living in a predominantly white community in the 1970s and eighties. I figured it must have been hard for his parents to help him connect to his Filipino heritage. He said, every summer, the adoption agency held summer events for all of their clients and for the adoptees to reconnect as a community. It was an opportunity for Andrew to meet other adoptees. Many of whom were Filipino. His parents have since shared that there wasn't much information on transracial adoption back then. So it was tough for them to know how to navigate raising an adopted person from another culture. Ironically, there was a strong Filipino culture in their area of Connecticut that had their own community group, which Andrew availed himself of through the church,

Andrew (07:25):

But being Filipino and being adopted into my white family. I didn't give myself the opportunity to learn more about my culture because I wanted, I didn't want to feel more different than I already was. I didn't want, I also didn't want to make my parents or feel badly that I, if I were to learn about my culture and then be become less of a Wheelock and more of a Filipino, if that makes sense.

Damon (07:59):

Yeah, it absolutely does. You ended up sort of, it sounds like straddling two worlds of the clear physical identity that you have. That's undeniable as any person looks at you as you've traversed the community and not wanting to stand out at the same time, you know, but having that curiosity about yourself on top of everything else, Andrew shared that he's a gay man. He said that growing up, the thoughts and feelings arose during puberty starting when he was about nine years old....