Traffic School - 09/05/2025

This episode of Traffic School was a full-throttle, no-seatbelt, caffeine-fueled demolition derby of chaos, and I loved every screeching second of it. Lieutenant Crain burst in waving a metaphorical ticket book like Thor’s hammer, announcing an “emphasis patrol” on hands-free driving—translation: if you so much as glance at your phone today, you’re basically auditioning for a starring role in COPS: Idaho Edition. The host immediately tried to trick Crain into revealing secret cop hideouts like it was a low-budget spy thriller, but Crain wasn’t biting—though he did gleefully admit the officers were already “catching fish,” which made the entire thing sound like an illegal poaching expedition of TikTok-obsessed motorists. From there, the show spiraled into a fever dream of warnings about Rexburg traffic doom (because BYU-Idaho students are apparently the horsemen of the traffic apocalypse), hot takes on confusing diamond-shaped intersections that terrify change-hating drivers, and fairground survival tips that boiled down to “enjoy the memories while you crawl home in gridlock.”

Then the callers arrived like deranged prophets of vehicular madness. One guy spiraled into an existential crisis about Miranda rights after binge-watching cop bodycam videos, realizing that 100% of people exercise their “right to remain chatty” instead of silent, while Crain begged the public to PLEASE shut up once in their lives. Another asked about CDL DUI laws, prompting jokes about demoting drunk semi drivers to cursed school bus duty—a punishment worse than jail. Sunny Carl called in next, spinning a feverish yarn about buying abandoned cars in farmer fields like some outlaw auto-pirate, which immediately triggered Crain to tell a horrifying tale of two geniuses who lit a gas can on fire with a lighter to “check the fuel level” and promptly roasted themselves into crispy cautionary tales. The moral? Fire + gasoline = live-action Darwin Awards.

Just when you thought sanity might make a U-turn, more callers stormed the lines demanding senior retesting programs, stricter driver’s ed, and rage against idiot motorists with trailers, while Crain gleefully plotted how he’d secretly sign half the population up for surprise re-exams. The show careened into debates over freeway merging etiquette, brake controllers for towed vehicles, and whether common sense is legally recognized in Idaho (spoiler: it’s optional). By the end, the whole thing felt less like a radio program and more like a roadside carnival hosted by lunatics armed with citations, sarcasm, and gasoline-soaked life lessons.