Mismatched Libido: One Wants Sex To Feel Close, One Needs To Feel Close First | DAMSex

One of you reaches for sex to feel close. The other needs to feel close before sex is even on the table. Nobody is wrong, nobody is broken, and most couples never say a word of it out loud.

In Episode 5 of the DAM Sex series, sex and intimacy counsellor Debby Poort joins DAM to unpack what happens when two people in the same relationship have completely different starting points for desire — and why so much of the disconnection around sex turns out not to be about sex at all.

What we get into:

• What responsive desire and spontaneous desire actually mean, and why one of them is so consistently misread as "you don't want me anymore"

• Why mismatched libido in a long-term relationship is far more common, and far less personal, than it feels at 11pm

• Why a man wanting sex is so often not about what his partner assumes it's about

• What happens in new parent couples when one partner is exhausted and touched out for months and the other turns to pornography — and the line Debby draws between when that's neutral and when it's a problem

• How to open that conversation at home without it landing as an accusation

• Why couples from different countries, families and faiths are working from completely different sexual scripts, and what to do when those scripts contradict each other

• What Debby wishes partners understood about arousal, the orgasm gap, and how long things actually take

• The one conversation she has in her practice more than any other — and why couples visibly relax the moment they hear it

If you have ever thought "they're never in the mood," or been on the receiving end of "is that all you ever think about," this is the episode.

About Debby Debby Poort is a sex and intimacy counsellor based in the Netherlands, working in English with couples and individuals — including a lot of international and intercultural couples. Find her at yellowwood.nl and sexandintimacycounselling.nl. She also runs a free introductory course you can work through at home, on your own, with no commitment and no big conversation with your partner first. It's a genuinely low-stakes place to start.

Ep1: Touched Out, Low Desire & Feeling Like a Feeding Machine: Let’s Talk About Sex After Baby

Ep2: ‘We’re Housemates Who Share a Bed’ — How Can Emotionally Focused Therapy Help You?

Ep3: Obligation Sex Is More Common Than You Think — Here's What It's Really Costing Your Relationship