I Almost Dishonered My Pants - A Puzzling Evidence Podcast - S3E1

Boss Stang

A Short Story

by Little Philo Drummond

Ivan Stang had always hated Dobbstown's pobuckery Main Kitchen with its dangerous, deadly, bloody Knife Cellar. But it was a place where he felt threatened yet relaxed.

He was a bossy, incredulous, hot buttered rum martini drinker with giant stinky armpits and midgety butt cheeks. His friends saw him as a salty, cantankerous old skull farmer. Once, he had even made a cup of tea for the Giant Nutsack. That's the kindly sort of man he was.

Ivan walked over to the window and reflected on his dark and dank surroundings. The rain hammered like rabid thinking polecats.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Dr. Hal Owwll. Dr. Hal was a snooty animal with scrawny stinky armpits and micro-cephalic but lumpy butt cheeks.

Ivan gulped. He was not prepared for deadly Dr. Hal.

As Ivan stepped outside and Dr. Hal came closer, he could see the annoying glint in his eye.

Dr. Hal glared with all the wrath of 5,944 peculiarly angry chupacabras. He muttered under his breath, in hushed tones yet incredibly audible, "I still want a sacred t-shirt."

Ivan looked back, even more blissful but still fingering the eazor-sharp sword while eyeballing Dr. Hal's ample neck. "Dr. Hal, please take the sourdough out of the fridge," he replied.

They looked at each other with contemplative feelings, like two gigantic, grieving gerbils fropping at a very rude Annual Work Review, which had rockabilly music playing in the background and two thoughtful broom-toting uncles sweeping to the beat.

Ivan regarded Dr. Hal's scrawny stinky armpits and micro-cephalic butt cheeks. "I feel the same way!" revealed Ivan with a delighted grin.

Shyly, Dr. Hal looked grumpy, his emotions blushing red like a just mis-used razor sharp pocketknife.

Then Dr. Hal came inside for a nice drink of hot buttered rum martini.

THE END

Praise for Boss Stang

"I feel like I know Ivan Stang. In a way, it feels as though I've always known him."- The Daily Tale

"About as enjoyable as being hailed on whilst taking in washing that has been targeted by seagulls with the drizzling shits."- Enid Kibbler

"Saying the rain hammered like rabid thinking polecats is just the kind of literary device that makes this brilliant."- Hit the Spoof

"I could do better."- Zob Gloop