Why Do I Keep Doing This?

"I know what it's like to sincerely want to stop and find myself going back to the behavior. And I know the shame. I know the secrecy. I know the promises that we make to ourselves."

Why would one man write three books about the same problem? In this episode, Dr. Michael Barta explains the Reconnection series: three books written for three different people, all connected by the Reconnection Model®.

The man whose sexual behavior has just blown up his life doesn't need the same book as the betrayed partner, and neither of them needs the book a clinician reads. They're dealing with the same problem from different places. Dr. Barta writes the first book, Reconnection: Understanding and Healing from Sexual Addiction, from two perspectives: as a clinician who spent years treating the problem, and as a person recovering from it. The second is a complete rewrite of his current Reconnection book into a clinical guide to the Reconnection Model®. The third, Reconnection After Betrayal: Why He Did What He Did and What Comes Next, is written directly to the partner's experience. Underneath all three is one belief: sexual behavior is where we can see the problem, but it doesn't tell us where the problem began.

In this episode, you will discover:

• One Problem, Different Places: why the man, the partner and the clinician each need their own book
• Two Perspectives: why Dr. Barta writes the first book as a clinician and as a man in recovery
• Beyond "How Do I Stop?": the questions he wants a man to ask instead, like why did this become so powerful in my life, and what do I need to change?
• Beyond the Checklist: why sobriety, accountability and relapse prevention matter, but aren't the end of the clinical question
• A Book Written to Her: the questions a partner asks after discovery, and why her healing matters independently of what he chooses to do
• Understanding Isn't Excusing: why understanding why he did it is never going to excuse what he did
• Where the Problem Began: why we can't stop at the behavior, and why we can't stop at understanding him either

This is for men who keep asking what is wrong with them; for partners trying to understand what happened without making his behavior their responsibility; and for clinicians wondering whether they are looking deeply enough at what they are actually treating.

Gentle Next Step: Instead of only asking how to make the behavior stop, ask the question Dr. Barta says can change everything: what happened that made this behavior so necessary? Then ask what needs to become possible so that it's no longer needed.

Learn more about Dr. Barta's monthly Reconnection Intensives at drmichaelbarta.com and watch the full video version on YouTube at https://youtu.be/dnzxUN3Np10.