How to solve any problem: 5 key elements

Hear the true and amazing story of Jon, a client who's work with Zach gave him the freedom from pornography that he's been trying for years.

27 Juni 202253min

Happy Fathers’ Day yesterday! I hope it was a pleasant day with ample food and kind words. Before I forget, this week I have a free masterclass set up for you on Wednesday at 7:30 PM MT. We are going to be learning how to drop the porn struggle. Be sure to register at zachspafford.com/freecall How to become an expert on yourself and why it matters if you want to leave pornography behind When I am talking with clients and reflecting back on my own experiences there are a few common themes I see. How much time do you spend focusing on things outside of you trying to control your results? How might things change if you stopped focusing on things outside of yourself and instead turn your focus inward on what you do have control over? Part of the reason that we all struggle with anxiety, whether it is pornography related or not, is that there is a near-universal sense among us that something outside of us is causing our pain. When we struggle, especially when that struggle involves other people, we tend to label them as the problem. While it is true that, by virtue of being a human, others, especially our spouses, can be part of the problem, it is much more important to recognize our own role in our anxieties and why they exist. We say things like, “if only my wife would have sex with me more.” Or, “I wish Sharon in accounting would dress more modestly.” What is happening is that our anxiety around being a good person, finds a place outside of us to focus and makes that the problem. Once that occurs, we no longer own our agency, we’ve given it away, often to someone who has no idea they have it. While this isn’t the only reason people choose pornography or struggle when their spouse does, it is one that I want to talk about today. I also want to give you one simple exercise that you can use to begin leaving behind your external focus and refocus on yourself as the owner and agent of your own happiness. When we are anxious, there are basically four responses that are available to us. You’re probably familiar with fight and flight, but there is also freeze and worry. Worry is probably the one that comes up most often when we are talking about anxiety around pornography. For men and women who choose pornography, we are worrying about how we are going to keep from viewing or choosing pornography. For women and men who are supporting someone who chooses pornography, they are worrying about how they can keep their partner from choosing pornography in the future. This endless cycle of worry and imagining new worries is keeping us from engaging directly with actual, reality based struggles that we are facing. I think, this worry cycle also puts us in a place of victimhood. When we label the source of our struggle as some external individual or force that we don’t have any power to control, we become victims in a perpetual downward spiral of victimhood, trying to control, and failure that leads to repeating the process. This is us, investing a lot of time and energy and not getting what we want out of it. For pornogrpahy users, we invest in programs, plans, and giving power to others, only to find that when the urge comes and we are on the path of finding porn, we find it. For spouses, we invest in thinking up ways to manage our partner’s internet, working to distract their eyeballs, and worrying excessively about the next time they might fail us, because we can’t control them. For pornography users, we also spend a lot of time working to manage our spouse’s perceptions of us. All of us understand that the behaviors of our spouse are part of the problem because they are really important to us and their behavior impacts us. What we forget is that...

20 Juni 202214min

This week we are going to discuss your cycle of avoidance and how to recognize what is going on for you around this cycle and a few things you can do to help remove yourself from the cycle. We’ve talked about experiential avoidance or buffering in episodes https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-5 (5), https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-6 (6), and https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/what-is-pornography-addiction (135). I’ll link to those episodes in the show notes. Humans have a unique ability to problem-solve. From the very beginning of human existence, we have learned how to survive in the world. ONE OF THE 3 THINGS our brains are designed to do is avoid pain. If you have listened to this podcast from the beginning, this is not a new concept for you. If you think back thousands of years ago when we had to hunt and grow our own food, and physically provide safety and shelter from the elements of this world avoiding pain was a very essential part of everyday life. Over the years we have learned that avoiding pain helps keep us alive! In the physical world, this is VERY important. Imagine if your house was on fire. What would you do? I imagine I would make sure my loved ones were safe and run out as fast as I could. I would do everything in my power to avoid the hot flames and in doing so it would keep me safe. By avoiding the fire it makes it possible to continue living! We tend to react to our psychological pain the same way we react to our pain in the physical world. For instance, You might have a stressful workday, and instead of dealing with the stress in a productive way, you might avoid your feelings by engaging with pornography. Another example may be that you approached your spouse for physical intimacy and felt and received a no answer which made you feel rejected. Instead of feeling rejected, you might seek out pornography. You might have a stressful day with the kids and turn to chocolate to relieve some of that stress. Our brains think that avoiding pain inside of our head is the same as avoiding pain on the outside. When we try to problem solve psychological pain in the same manner it often leads us further down the path of discomfort in the long run. Every one of us has a cycle of avoidance. For some of us, it is a cycle that circles around avoiding parts of our lives through eating. For others, it is a cycle that revolves around pornography, and others still avoid their lives through shopping or other behaviors that run contrary to our values. Here’s what that looks like in real-time: instead of working on your project’s upcoming due dates, you scroll social media avoiding getting started on your work and putting yourself further behind. Or: rather than get studying for your upcoming exams like you planned on, you open a browser on your phone and start looking for sexually explicit material. Or, finally, instead of getting your house ready for the week by doing a load of laundry, you hide in the pantry and eat a sweet snack so your kids don’t catch you. Darcy and I use a system called acceptance and commitment coaching, a key component of which is the word acceptance. Often, the main reason we suffer is that we are not accepting our lives and our unpleasant or unwanted feelings. This desire to avoid discomfort leads to experiential avoidance or the avoidance of the experience of being uncomfortable. If we really want to avoid pornography or any other unwanted habit that we have, we must accept these uncomfortable feelings and learn how to deal with them directly. These kinds of avoidance behaviors are like getting stuck in a roundabout where each exit point that is available to us means that we will have to be uncomfortable while moving toward our ultimate goal, so instead of getting out of the cycle, we stay put, circling around...

13 Juni 202218min

This week is a really busy week. YM camp up in Enterprise and speaking at a Youth Conference here in town. The more angst that we have toward pornography, we think is going to create the motivation to stay away. But what that is more likely doing is giving it power over you. I think we think that if we create a harsh relationship with something, it will banish that thing from our lives. Often, the more we hate something, the more power it seems to have over us. It, somehow gets to live in our heads rent-free. When we are angry and bitter toward someone or something, that anger won’t let us move past that issue. How has hating porn helped you in this struggle? When we acknowledge it from a place of gratitude, we can acknowledge the role that it played in our life, learn from it more fully, and move beyond it when we’ve grown past it. Acknowledging the role that pornography played in your life. Acknowledging ways that porn helped you to survive when other coping methods didn’t work. This thank you, has allowed me to claim back my choice, claim back my ownership of my life and create closure from it. Gratitude for what it has done for us while also moving toward and choosing something that we do want, helps us move forward with power. It’s time to break up with porn. Dear porn, Thank you for being the trial that made me into a better person. I know that seems strange to say, but it’s the truth. Because of our relationship, I was driven to be an amazing provider and hard worker. I’m not proud of all the things I did with you and all the ways that I used you to mitigate my short-term discomfort. But I realize now, that’s not your fault. That was my choice and not something you made me do. Because I chose porn, I had a ready system to fall back on when my ability and skill at dealing with my life wasn’t enough. But I also used you as a crutch when I could have stood on my own. And that’s not your fault either. I chose that. So, thank you for being there and helping me when I really needed to do it myself. Thank you for helping me learn empathy. I’m grateful for my capacity to be kinder to those who struggle and less judgemental of their flaws. When I see someone who struggles with life, I used to wonder why they couldn’t get it together. Now I realize that they are just learning, growing, and trying their best. If I really want to help them, I can be there for them without judgment and with empathy for what they are going through. I also want to thank you for helping me find my purpose in life. Without porn I would probably never have become a coach helping people solve their own pornography problems. Here’s something that I never thought pornography would help me with, ever! Thank you, for helping me build the relationship, love, and intimacy that I had always wanted with my wife. Without this struggle, without pornography being the focal point of our marriage for so many years, I would not have learned to be honest and open with Darcy. I would not have learned to trust her, listen to her, and value that I can tell her anything, knowing that she can handle it and that we can resolve it, together. Thank you, for catalyzing this growth and helping me learn that I would be able to trust Darcy. I realize that most people who don’t want you in their lives see you as the reason for their misery. But because of you, I was able to learn how to become happy. Not because you make me happy, but because I had to learn the skills to leave you behind, and those skills I get to use in so many parts of my life to grow and learn, which makes me happy. Thank you Darcy thought it might be cool for her to also write a thank you letter to porn....

6 Juni 202219min

Willingness to think differently about the problem Episode 89 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-89-emotional-debtor (Emotional Debtor) and Episode 100 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-100-pornography-is-not-the-problem-change-the-conversation-from-fear-to-love (Pornography is not THE problem) An understanding of what is happening and why Can’t run away, can’t push it out of your mind You have to face it Ask questions Be willing to confront what it is objectively and curiously Listen to - Episode 82 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-82-easter-the-atonement-and-agency (Easter, the Atonement, and Agency) 57 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-57-learn-something-move-forward (Learn Something and Move Forward) A specific set of skills Let me ask you who you would rather learn from, a Harvard professor with 30 years of experience learning about business who has never made payroll, never hired or fired anyone, and never had to actually make a profit. Or a person who has for 30 years, honed his craft, made profit, learned from his mistakes, and made himself millions of dollars, employed thousands of people, and profited himself, his company, and his stakeholders. Inside my membership and in individual coaching you’ll find the skills that I teach are different than anything anyone else has ever offered you. Listen to episode 141 -https://player.captivate.fm/episode/4c17b692-6aba-4dc9-9dc9-32056406a26c ( 3 Secrets to Managing Emotions) and Episode 131 - https://www.zachspafford.com/blog/episode-131-choice-point-to-overcome-pornography (Choice Point to Overcome Pornography).

30 Maj 202221min

How much power do you give the random strangers in Las Vegas. On Friday we had tickets to see Jim Gaffigan in Las Vegas. I was looking forward to it. Darcy was, too. Unfortunately, Jim got Covid and the show was canceled at the last minute. We didn’t find out until after we were down there and had dinner. So, we decided to catch another show. While I went to the bathroom Darcy and our friends picked Penn and Teller. It was ok. Kind of cool to see people that are famous. We went to dinner, we went shopping at Trader Joe’s because we don’t have one here in St George. So, if you are listening and have any clout with the TJ’s people, please let us have one here. Then we went over to the Rio where the Penn and Teller show is. We were about an hour early, so we decided to just hang out in the parking lot since none of us gamble and the inside of a casino is still a place where you can smoke in Las Vegas. Boy did we get a show before the show. To our surprise, we found that the Rio parking lot was the shuttle area for those going to an outdoor music event that features electronic dance music called Electric Daisy Carnival. From what I could tell this is a music festival where the women dress in their absolutely most revealing clothes and the men dress up in the same thing they would wear to go play basketball. This was an amazing opportunity for us to practice what we preach here on the podcast and that we help people work on and through in our membership and individual coaching. We would like to share our experience with you and a few tips on how you can thrive as individuals and couples when life offers you an experience like the one that we had on Friday. Just because someone is showing their body, that doesn’t mean my partner is sexualizing it. It was good to see the body objectively They were just moving across the stage It was a physical representation of letting something come into your mind and allowing it to move off on its own. They came and then they went one after another. Really, objectively noticing but not sexualizing. In the past, would have been a lot more on high alert I wasn’t a zero on the calm level, but I wasn’t panicking. It was so absurd that we could talk and joke about it rather than making it more than just what we were seeing. Just because there is a nearly naked body, that doesn’t mean that it’s a problem. - In the past I would have to pretend that I’m not seeing this. I wouldn’t have been able to mention anything that I was seeing and I would not have been able relax at all. It was a dishonest position inherently. Indicating that I was seeing it would have created greater tension But there would have been a lot of tension there already. It would have been this fake moment. Then I would have waited for the inevitable questions from Darcy “What were you looking at” “were you fantasizing about it” Were you wishing I wasn’t there so you could just gawk? Is that going to lead to something? I don’t have to give my power and emotional energy to the random strangers I wouldn’t have been able to be present, or enjoy myself, There wouldn't have been laughing or joking This would have felt like a threat, almost like a life and death situation The way i don’t give away my power is by realizing, I don’t have control over this and neither does my partner. Also, realizing that this is legal, Other people find this ok, and I don’t have to be mad about that. “Ok, alright, these people are dressed for the moment” and that’s ok I wouldn’t have worn that. It was asking, how much power do I want to give these strangers that are...

23 Maj 202239min

Our 4-year-old is an adorable little girl holding her own in a household of 8 kids and two adults. She is also a tiny human who I find fascinating to watch because she is an open book of emotions. When she is sad she lets us know. When she is happy, she wants to share that. When she is excited it shows on her face and in her voice. The other day, Darcy was with her and she became upset that she wasn’t going to be able to get to play with her friends, having thought that was an option. As she started to cry, Darcy just noticed out loud for her, “you must be frustrated, how does that feel? Do you want to take some breaths and come play with us when you are ready?” then went back to what she was doing. In the way that only a 4-year-old who is both super cute and highly articulate can, she cried for a moment or two longer, took her breaths, and came back to the fun while explaining how she had taken her breaths and was ready to play again. Without realizing it, Darcy and our four-year-old did exactly the only thing that we can really do when it comes to dealing with our emotions. In Acceptance and Commitment Coaching we call this dropping anchor. It is one of the most effective ways that we can deal with our unwanted or unpleasant emotions, thoughts, feelings or sensations and, quite accidentally, one of the key skills we have taught our little girl. Dropping anchor is a simple process and it is a component of the three secrets to managing emotions around any subject. One of the biggest reasons people choose pornography is because it is a way to take control of their emotions, thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Let me tell you what I mean by that. If you are lonely, for example, because you’re on a business trip and your mind is offering you thoughts like, “you might as well just look at porn because you know it’s inevitable.” One of the ways that many people try to manage that, or get it to go away is either to fight with it until their willpower runs out or give into it. I’ve talked about willpower in episodes 38 and 134 which I will link to in the show notes. Suffice it to say that willpower won’t get you all the way there and giving in will make it so that you create a self-fulfilling prophecy that will repeat itself forever until you learn the skills you need to stop. We do a deep dive into this in the membership and in individual coaching, which you can sign up for at zachspafford.com. But what I want you to focus on here are the three secrets to managing your emotions. So, imagine you are there in that hotel room or wherever, you can use a situation where you have given into pornography. In that moment with our 4-year-old, you can see the three secrets that you need to manage your emotions any time, anywhere. Become familiar with your emotions Learn how to diffuse from those feelings Practice your newfound skills daily I’ll teach you what each of these are and what they mean here, and if you want to learn more, I have a free Masterclass that you can come to tomorrow night at 830 Mountain time. All you have to do is go to zachspafford.com/freecall Become familiar with your emotions - create a vocabulary and seek to notice and describe your experience. Start by learning about different emotions that exist. Brene Brown in her book, Atlas of the heart described a research project where she asked people to describe their emotions. Most people only had 3 emotions. This lack of understanding is keeping us from being able to recognize what is going on for us, as well as, being prepared to deal with it I would say that I am highly capable when it comes to fixing problems. But it is nearly impossible to make a plan on how to solve a problem...

16 Maj 202215min

In this interview with Latter-day Life Coaches, Zach discusses changing the Narrative around pornography and pornography addiction to help us create a shameless conversation geared toward overcoming pornography and utilizing the agency inherent in all of us. If you would like to learn more, check out zachspafford.com/blog

11 Maj 202248min