Intimacy Requires Risk - The Secret to Intimacy Series: Chapter 4 of 5

If you’re anything like me, in your quest to eliminate pornography, you probably have tried to eliminate everything. You might have gotten rid of your phone, blocked all the apps, given over your access code to someone else, tried avoiding certain shops at the mall, not gone to the beach. Those are the physical things. Mentally and emotionally, you might have tried to eliminate urges, run from your emotions, suppressed your sex drive, and generally worked to stop feeling, sensing, or thinking about anything to do with pornography or sexuality. In all the avoiding you’ve done, I want you to just think for a moment and ask yourself, has it really helped? What I mean is, has it helped you become the person you want to be? Has it helped you grow and love and triumph in your life? If you are anything like me, or any of my clients, the answer is very likely, no. I’ll admit, each of those techniques, may have helped you succeed at distancing yourself from your last pornography session. They may have been helpful in slowing down the number of times each week, month, or year that you turn to pornography. But, there is a good chance, that if you’ve been suppressing your life to avoid pornography, you’ve been suppressing your happiness and growth on the way. In Acceptance and Commitment Coaching, there is an idea called experiential avoidance, which is about utilizing certain methods, processes, or techniques, to avoid the real and sometimes unpleasant experiences of our lives. The problem with experiential avoidance is that when we avoid the bad, we are also avoiding the amazing, wonderful, and deeply joyful experiences of our lives. Here’s what I mean. If I suppress my emotions so that I don’t feel sexual in order to avoid pornography drawing me in, I also am suppressing my wholly appropriate and deep desire to be intimate with my wife. As a result, there is a good chance that something will give eventually. It may be that my suppression will work for a time, but will power always runs out and then what happens? What has happened to you when you’ve pushed down the feelings and temptations for a long time? An analogy that I like to use is that of a beach ball at the pool. If you’ve ever tried to push a beach ball under the water, you’ve found that you can control it as long as you concentrate on it. As long as you manage it actively. But, eventually, your mind may wander, you may become distracted, you may have to deal with something and boom - out of the water blasts the beach ball. Our emotions, feelings, and urges are like that. In trying to avoid them, we push them under until there is a moment when we no longer have the capacity to control them. That is what experiential avoidance looks like. We avoid certain experiences for as long as we can and then they overtake us and overwhelm us and we lose control. In addition to losing control, we’ve also lost out on so many beautiful, amazing, experiences that can enrich our lives and help us feel the fulfillment we have been seeking. Imagine being at the pool and spending your entire time focused on pushing that beach ball under the water and keeping it there. When others offer to play a game, you’ll be busy. When someone wants to engage in meaningful conversation, you’ll be distracted. When your family wants to grab a quick picture with you, you’ll be somewhere else. As I’m writing this, it occurs to me that there were moments when I would take my eye off the ball, like Christmas or birthdays or vacations and I found that I gave in to my urge to engage with pornography. I would become engaged in the everyday life events and make mistakes in my quest...

14 Mars 202214min

If you are ready to take your knowledge and understanding to the next level, join the Self Mastery Membership at zachspafford.com/workwithme Hey, everybody, and welcome to another beautiful mastery Monday here on the Self Mastery podcast. I'm your host, Zach Spafford. Listen, I got something for you guys. I'm here to help you overcome pornography. You guys know that right? I just want to let you know that there's some stuff that's gonna change. That's all. I'm not going to tell you what it is right now. But I'm going to tell you something a little bit later in this podcast. But these last few weeks have been a great deep dive into how you can really begin to move past pornography by not just focusing on pornography, but focusing on how you can become the person you want to be. By the way, I just want to thank all of you who have written in and said how much this has helped you. That's kind of awesome, actually, that you guys are like, hey, you know what, this changed my life. So thank you for sending that in to me. If you have a second, just take a moment and write a review that helps people find us and all of this great content, more than anything else you could do. You know, share it, obviously, with as many people as you can, but writing reviews helps people find this. So please do that. Many of you know that I am all about an evidence based approach to Overcoming Pornography. You've probably listened to my episode about how pornography is not an addiction and the book by Dr. Lance Dodes, you may know Cam Staley, who is a PhD researcher out of the University of Idaho, a really great guy, quite like him. You are probably thinking, okay, yes, we know that you like evidence. So not only do I have the evidence from my own journey that I've shared with you, one of the components of my coaching to Overcoming Pornography is based in Acceptance and Commitment coaching, I call it ACC, which comes from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Now, I'm not a therapist, but I have studied the techniques and processes and systems that have helped 1000s of men and women and their pornography struggle. And I've done it myself, like, this is not pie in the sky. This is not, hey, you know what, let me tell you a theory, and I will help you figure it out. That's not it. This is real life. This is my journey. You are like, Yeah, I need somebody who's been there. You know, I always talk about I have an MBA, and I've been in business for a long time, before I became a coach, I, I was an insurance and I loved it. And I did some other things that add some great, cool stuff. And I always think about, who's the guy that I would come to, who's the person that I would go to, if I needed help running my business. I would not even go to a Yale or a Harvard School Business School professor, I would go to a guy who's actually lived the process. Some of you guys know Gary Vee, cool guy, I listen to his stuff, I don't listen to a guy who works for Harvard. I don't, because I want to know what it looks like to actually be in the trenches. And that's why I use ACC. And the coaching that I do is based in both my real life experience and acceptance and commitment, coaching. And then Acceptance and Commitment coaching, there's a principle called the choice point. It is one of the key principles of ACC that I use in the membership, which has been closed now to members to new members for a little bit, a little while. But I will tell you this, this month, I'm launching a new platform that will make it so you can download a single app and get all the great content on your phone. So I'm looking forward to it. And when it's ready, I will open up the membership to anybody who wants to join. So keep an eye out for that. When I talk about choice point, though, I want to go back to choice point because that's really the point of what we're talking about. I want you to imagine a narrow, long...

5 Mars 20229min

Differentiation – enmeshment Meaning frames - Disorganization - Reorganizing with integrity Self-confrontation – other confrontation Self-validation – other validation Self-disclosure - Self-presentation = Intimacy p 102-103 This month has been a real deep dive. It has included a lot of really meaningful topics and subjects that I have tried to make as understandable as possible. We started with looking at our meaning frames and how disorganizing it can be to have them shattered by our partner not living up to the understandings that we have about pornography viewing in our relationships. Next, we moved on to the process of confronting ourselves and our partner in loving and meaningful ways that can help us reorganize ourselves into more integrated people. The following week, we discussed how we are extracting validation from our partners, how we can stop doing that, and how we can become more self-validating through some of the work we discussed in the previous weeks. Last week we talked about disclosure and the ways in which we present ourselves to others in order to manage their beliefs and ideas around who we are. This is the last episode of the series. Here we are going to explore enmeshment, differentiation, and the process of becoming a whole person who can also be a good partner without the need for someone to function for us. One of the biggest struggles that I think most marriages have is the issue of how much we fold into each other. What I’m talking about here is the amount of enmeshment and conformity that occurs when we become a couple. What this might look like is, a need to have the same opinion on important issues. It might look like, one partner over functioning while the other partner under functions, which can be flipped in certain circumstances. This also looks like some of the requirements we have that our partner reflect our sense of who we are back to us. Rather than holding up a mirror to who we are as we discussed in the self-confrontation/other-confrontation episode. In the process of creating intimacy that is built out of the validation of others, we often move along nicely together, until one day everything gets stuck or snaps and we find ourselves and our relationship in a moment of crisis. It might be a small crisis. It might be a big crisis. In the case of a pornography struggle, this is often a pretty big crisis. Where we have spouses saying things like darcy did to me, “if you don’t get this under control, this is the end of our relationship.” In part, this is occurring Because the meaning-framework that we brought to the marriage is insufficient to hold onto the reality of the situation (that one partner is viewing pornography and pornography is destructive so our marriage is in jeopardy and so is my sense of self) in the face of the pain that is occurring through the rejection that the other partner is feeling. When we have crises points like this in our lives there are basically 3 ways that we can deal with it. Here we are again leaning heavily on dr David schnarch’s book, passionate marriage. I. The first is to either violate yourself by folding into their demands on you or violating your partner by requiring them to fold into your demands of how things must be. In this scenario, I think a lot of women and partners of those viewing pornography feel totally justified. Part of our culture and part of our moral code demands that pornography never be part of the equation ever or it will destroy. So making this demand that your partner violate themselves to simply behave the way you need them to behave so you can be enough for them sexually regardless of what that looks like is pretty much ok with in LDS...

28 Feb 202227min

The concept of validation is not a complicated one, but it is a huge part of how we show up in our lives and how we can understand how to better feel the love that we want for ourselves. The way we seek validation will also help us understand how pornography has been playing a part in our self soothing process. I am going to lean on Dr. David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage” for the definitions of these two concepts and then we are going to talk about what they mean in the context of pornography and marriage. Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure from our partner. Self validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining their own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity from their partner. our capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to our level of our ability to maintain a clear sense of ourselves when our loved ones are pressuring us to conform to their views, wants, or expressed desires. It is the tangible product of our relationship with ourself. So, let’s talk about other-validated intimacy and how that might be keeping you from being successful in eliminating a pornography habit. When we expect our partner to give back to us as much or more than we are giving them, we are engaging in what Dr. David Glover calls in his book, “No more Mr. Nice Guy” a covert contract. This is our way of trying to get our partner to tell us that we are enough for them. I used to do this all the time with foot rubs and back rubs for Darcy. When I wanted her to reciprocate with sex or love I would do things for her to make it so she was supposed to give back to me. I also did this with things like house work. I would do everything so I could take off her plate any excuses she might have for saying no to me later. I did this so she would validate me with sex. This covert contract was about expecting something from her that she was not offering freely because she wanted to give it. D – and when he would do this I would …. Tell your feelings about this here. D – Give an example of how you would seek validation from me. – we never talk – this was a regular refrain, even when we had spent all day together the previous day. I was seeking for Zach to tell me I was enough, accepted. What we are doing when we seek other-validated intimacy is asking our partner to manage our sense of whether or not we are OK. One of the reasons, that I believe men and women turn to pornography is that there is nothing we can’t ask for that won’t be given in that space. It is almost a total free for all. It is self-gratifying and other-validating, even when those others are not present physically, mentally, or even willingly. This is just an idea that occurs to me, but it makes sense, at least from one position. Pornography validates us regardless of how we feel and regardless of whether we are acting with integrity. When we deal with real people, in real time, over real issues, we are constantly at risk of being rejected. This is one of the central things that I believe makes pornography so appealing on a different level than just aroused by it. Pornography never rejects us. It never says that what we want is not available. It never says, “I’m not comfortable doing that” or “I’m tired, can we just snuggle” or “I’m upset with the way you treated me” This is a counterfeit other-validation that is available at the tips of our fingers at all hours of the day and night. Whereas, to be self-validated and to have self-validated intimacy,...

14 Feb 202224min

Part two of our 5 part series on Love and what it looks like to really be lovable, loving, and to love one’s self. David schnarch talks about self confrontation and other confrontation Engage with our behavoirs in a meaningful way from an objective place. One of the keys to love is the capacity to confront who we are. Now, this isn’t to say that you aren’t inherently loved or lovable. But, there is an element of growth that seems to be required for each of us to love ourselves. I think one of the keys to loving yourself is having a sense that you are growing and leaning in into the discomfort of becoming more than what you are now. It also requires that we hear the truthful parts of what others are able to observe and point out to us. This is a skill that requires a capacity to not just endure the discomfort of the process of confronting who you are, but even to lean into that discomfort. So, let’s just take a moment to define what it means to self confront and be confronted by others in ways that are growth and love promoting. The process of confronting your behavior is simple but can be difficult to face if you are unwilling to be objective about what is going on and your worth in relation to what is going on. In order to self confront, you’ll need to see your behavior clearly and objectively. Meaning that you fully understand or are seeking to fully understand what you are doing. This is as simple as acknowledging what the behavior is by describing it dispassionately, and without layering in judgments that you might be using to beat yourself up with. Darcy and I were talking to a couple who we’ve been coaching and one of their experiences recently was a conversation in which the husband let his spouse know that he had viewed pornography. As they discussed the situation, the husband became more and more distraught, in a sense, to convey how much he was not pleased with his own behavior. He worked to manage his wife’s experience of his actions by being more upset about the situation than she was. This is an example of not being clear and objective about your behavior. That’s not to say there is no room for passionate discourse or even deeply felt emotions. It is to say, managing our partner is not part of clearly acknowledging where you are. It is hard to be objective about what is going on when you are working to manage others’ feelings. So how do we engage with an internal process of evaluating our behaviors? We go into this in the membership, which you can join anytime by going to zachspafford.com and there are workbooks that you can use in there to really get in deep on this . But first you’ll want to start by recognizing that the high emotions are sometimes ways of . Often, we want to hold our ground and defend where we are because it feels safer than confronting our actions openly. Second, you’ll need to be objective about what that behavior’s outcomes are, how they are impacting you, and how they might be impacting those around you. You can do this by being willing to look downstream from where you are and acknowledging the results in the eyes of others and even acknowledging the effects you’ve been working to ignore or hide from. Many of us do this well in other parts of our lives. For instance, at work you might be really good at looking downstream and seeing what the effects are. But when it comes to your relationship with your partner or yourself, it is not uncommon to be unwilling to see what we’re doing based on the way it will end up later. I know, for me, darcy and I were having a discussion in the shower just a couple of nights ago and she was pointing something out to me, something that I didn’t want to see. At that...

7 Feb 202232min

The path to greater freedom. Four part series. For the month of february we are going to talk about Love - but not in the way that you think… This month, love is going to be about our capacity for great freedom if we are willing to love and be loved through the process of understanding some concepts that you may not be familiar with. We are going to talk about How to use these concepts to improve your ability to love and feel loved by others will be a central focus of our conversations around these concepts. Our goal is to help you choose yourself and be able to choose your partner. A lot of you listen to this podcast in order to move past a pornography struggle. Each of these concepts is fundamental to the integrative process of becoming the person you want to be who doesn’t turn to pornography. Darcy - For those of you who have a partner who struggles with pornography each of these concepts is just as fundamental for you to work through in order to create the dynamic that you want to create. They will help you engage with your partner around their pornography struggle and show up as the person you want to be in all of your life, not just your family’s pornography struggle. Zach - These are the topics we are going to cover over the next 5 weeks. Meaning frames - Disorganization - Reorganizing with integrity Meaning frames are the way we look at the world in order to make it make sense to us. In each relationship we have, we create meaning frames that help us determine the way we are to act when we are alone, engage with others in our lives, and assure our place within a group. Many of our meaning frames are built into our theology and are perpetuated by our family of origin. For instance, in my household, when I was growing up and as I have become and grown in adulthood, my meaning frames have referenced the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. This meaning frame has given me a way to interpret the realities of life in ways that serve me and my family and help me make sense of the life I lead. We all have meaning frames that we bring into our relationships that help us manage our life through lenses that provide meaning and value. In most LDS homes, pornography viewing is seen through a meaning frame of it being always destructive, personally, professionally, and theologically. This makes pornography an always off limits type of behavior. Those who engage with it, then find themselves deeply ashamed of their actions. Darcy - The family, especially the wives of those who engage with pornography, find themselves just as deeply ashamed of the pornography use for different reasons. Including the idea that “I am not enough” if he uses that behavior to entertain himself, self soothe, or escape his emotions. Zach - Either way, the meaning frames we bring to our relationships are the lens we use to help us see the behaviors and realities of our lives. Each meaning frame that we have does at least one thing for us. It gives us a way to see the world on a given topic. What this looks like can often be a black and white way of viewing a behavior that can isolate us or others because we are not conforming properly to that meaning frame. When we encounter someone who is not properly conformed to the meaning frame we have and that we assumed they shared is a disorganization of thought and meaning. Darcy, what went on for you when you found out that I was viewing pornography? Darcy - Talk about how you thought I was one thing only to find out that I was someone else. And how that threw your whole sense of self and sense of me into disarray. What does that mean about my family? What about our salvation? What else might he be...

31 Jan 202236min

If you are looking for help in eliminating pornography from your marriage, this podcast is for you. Zach and Darcy Spafford helped Eric and Jackie overcome pornography in their marriage. Visit zachspafford.com to set up your 30 minuter consult with Zach or Darcy.

24 Jan 202244min