S5E75 - WE KNOW WHAT A JELLYBEAN IS (FREE PART)

I sit down with my right hand man Ryan Katsu Rivera and we discuss his ability to do impressions. I can’t do them. Is that because I haven’t tried or is it just a skill you can’t acquire. Would I be able to do Tony Soprano if I worked on it for hours at a time? I don’t think so. There has to be some kind of physical traits your born with that enable you to mimic sound better than others.

5 Sep 201842min

I start out talking about how awesome strip clubs are which doesn’t make sense because I haven’t been to one since my daughter was born. Doesn’t that mean there’s something depraved and sexist about them? Whatever. The bigger picture here is men are depicted as these drooling creeps but we’re actually very reverent. We appreciate women’s bodies. How about women appreciate all the awesome stuff we do like build garbage trucks? Those things are pretty involved. I think we could all do with a heaping dose of reverence and respect for all of man’s creations and that includes strippers.

30 Aug 201848min

After two weeks on the lam, I’m back to talk about my road trip and all the weird places I visited in Niagara Falls, rural Ontario, and Montreal. Turns out Niagara Falls is trashier than ever, rural Ontario is still paradise, and Montreal has completely lost its mind.

27 Aug 201847min

Austin is banning bands and ruining their careers for not following the rules. I don’t want artists to follow the rules. I don’t even want them to know what the rules are. Same with movies. I don’t want to know how actors feel about climate change and the latest tax cuts. I want to pretend they are being chased by CIA operatives through Budapest. We keep ruining art by dissecting it and exposing every intimate detail. That’s like watching a chick get ready to go out. It ruins the surprise.

15 Aug 201844min

I start out talking about how productive you can be and if it’s predetermined. I also ask if taking drugs like Adderall can change that amount which gets me on a tangent about being introduced to the drug by Johnny Knoxville and what it was like hanging out with the Jackass dudes. It was fun because they’r’e fun. There’s a moral there and it’s simple: Don’t do drugs. OK maybe do some but know you’re just borrowing from tomorrow’s productivity.

10 Aug 201845min

What was supposed to be a funny episode about all the cute things my five-year-old does, quickly spirals out of control and becomes an angry old man rant about water, elaborate drinks, and the fact that 100% of kids in America are addicted to staring at various screens. If they’re not playing a video game they’re watching a video of someone else playing a video game and this constant over stimulation is leaving them with no creativity and unable to play like normal kids. It’s an epidemic and it’s destroying an entire generation’s childhood.

7 Aug 201850min

This is a very serious episode about jokes and what’s happened to them. Political correctness has infiltrated all of comedy now and the result is sketch comedy, stand-up, movies, and TV are only allowed to offend one group: kids. Comedy is still wildly offensive but only in regards to that group. The end result is the bits become even more disgusting because you’re seeing comics handle blacks, Jews, gays etc with kid gloves and then treating children like they’re human garbage.

2 Aug 201844min

Initially my teachers thought I was gifted but after doing a few tests, they realized I was borderline “special needs” and put me in a class with the dumbest kids in the school. The strange thing about this class was it also included kids who teachers just didn’t want to look at. There was an autistic kid, a hemophiliac, and some random chick dying of cancer. They all had good grades but they made teachers uncomfortable so off to the Special Class they went.

1 Aug 201845min