S5E75 - WE KNOW WHAT A JELLYBEAN IS (FREE PART)

I wish I could tell you about my wife and kids more, but crazy people make it a dangerous thing to do. In this ep I talk generally about marriage and what it’s like to have little kids. It’s fun but you need to watch out for the alphas. They are the enemies within and will literally kick you out of bed.

4 Maj 201852min

In this pornographic NSFW podcast, I get into the different types of tits and why my friend got AIDS. There’s also the time in high school the uncircumcised guys would fight the circumcised guys by wedgie-ing them to death. The moral of all these stories is men appreciate women a lot more than women seem prepared to admit. Basically, we’d sleep with any woman who hasn’t appeared on “My 600-lb life."

1 Maj 201848min

This one is all about evolution. Basically, life is just a magic goo that started out billions of years ago and was meant to be you and me but ended up on all kinds of stuff. Water bears and hammerhead sharks are losers. We won. Also, it’s possible we lived under water for a long time. There’s even a tribe called the Badjao who are doing it right now!

27 Apr 201836min

We start out attacking my neighbors for picking up twigs on earth day. Apparently sticks are bad for the environment and buying tons of plastic bags to pick them up is good for mother earth. Then, I talk about my weekend which included hanging out with cops and riding a boat around Manhattan. There were two major fights and Milo Yiannopoulos got chased out of a restaurant but otherwise it was a pretty fun weekend.

24 Apr 201839min

I start out crapping on doggie doo doo bags and how much I hate that they’re perfumed. This starts a whole rant about all the things I hate including flip-flops, fake boobs, baby boomers’ ring tones, the beeping sound trucks make when they go in reverse, helmets on ski slopes, and the way restaurants give everyone a gigantic glass of water before anyone orders anything. I thought the common thread for all of these would be deception but self-indulgence and cowardice are also big contenders. When I become dictator, all of this will be abolished.

20 Apr 201847min

I start out with a pretty reasonable idea: liberal arts colleges are a complete waste of time and you should only go to college if you’re going to take STEM. However, soon after, I get radical and suggest that grade school should be about 80% recess with only a few, curious students doing any real studying. Sure, they should learn to read and write but the rest should be up to the few who really want to learn. Oh, and kids should also have random jobs like building license plates. This new structure would leave a society with only about 5% getting higher education. Good. Now we have way less student debt and way more tradesmen. Insisting everyone is smart is stupid.

17 Apr 201845min

In this sizzling hot episode, I gossip about my eight years at Fox News and dish all the gossip while naming names. The short version is that it’s a great place to work with very moral people but their hiring practices are a little too PC for a straight, white male like myself. The long version is, well, the long version is this podcast.

13 Apr 201851min

While it’s fun to sow your wild oats, I want to make the case for moving on here. Young people, partying and getting STDs is fun for like, a decade, but it gets old around 25. Try moving on to the next chapter. Feminism and porn is making both of you think there’s no point to life but take it from someone who crossed over to the other side, there is another world out here. Also, married people, can we stop treating divorce like it’s a casual trip to the dentist. It’s a brutal procedure that destroys kids lives (the same kids I was just trying to sell marriage to). Traditionalism may be uncool but ignoring its merit gets sadder and sadder as you get old.

10 Apr 201846min