Bystander Intervention - What to do if You Witness Abuse
It may not be safe or effective to directly confront the abuser in every case, but there are a range of ways bystanders can be involved before, during, or after a situation when they see or hear behaviors that promote violence. Deborah Hackworth goes over some bystander intervention information on this episode. Below are some intervention tips and strategies: Disrupt the situation. Every situation is different, and there is no one way to respond. When you witness a person being harassed, threatened, or followed by someone, you can try to distract the harasser or insert yourself into their interaction to help the targeted person get out of the situation. For example, if you see someone on the street being verbally harassed, you can interrupt the harasser and ask them for directions. You can also intervene by pretending to know the person being harassed and starting a conversation with them as an opportunity to come between them and the harasser. Don’t act alone. Get support from people around you by calling on others to help. The more people who come together to interrupt a situation, the more you reinforce the idea that the behavior is not acceptable in your community. This can be as simple as saying, “Let’s say something to them so they stop.” If you do not feel safe, you may consider contacting the police. Set the expectation to speak up and step in. Talking openly and responding directly to inappropriate behaviors will have a snowball effect and encourage others to respond. It shows you recognize the comment or behavior is unacceptable and shows others it will not be tolerated. For example, if you are in a group setting and you hear someone make inappropriate comments, you can say: Are you hearing what I am hearing? I can’t be the only one who thinks this is not OK. I don’t see how XYZ is relevant or appropriate to this discussion. I know you’re a better person than that. Understand how your privilege positions you to speak up. Your age, race, gender, etc. may make it safer for you to speak up and be vocal about harassment – especially when you are not the target or representative of the target group. Focus on the needs and experience of the target and ensure they receive the support the need. Let them know that what has happened to them isn’t their fault. Affirm that they didn’t do anything wrong. Express your support for the individual. – I saw what they just did. Are you OK? – I heard what that person said to you. I am so sorry. Take action online. Everyone can help address an online culture that tolerates rape and sexual violence. Online comments that blame victims contribute to a broader climate in which sexual violence is tolerated and not taken seriously. Believe and support survivors. For example, thank survivors for sharing their stories in the comments of news articles and blog posts. Respond to victim-blaming, rape jokes, or other problematic comments on social media: Post a response like, “Sexual assault is never the survivor’s fault.” Refocus accountability on the individual(s) who committed sexual abuse. Link to an educational resource about sexual violence prevention, like those that can be found at nsvrc.org/publications. Be proactive. Practice with friends and family what you would say and how you would say it if you’re ever put in the situation where you need to confront a harasser. Think of how you would like others to take action on your behalf, or reflect on a situation where you wish you had acted differently If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
15 Jan 202019min
DASAS Spotlight 6: Regina Ditmer, PPO Advocate
Regina Ditmer, Personal Protection Order (PPO) Advocate at the St. Joseph County Courthouse, joins guest host Dan Moyle to talk about her role within DASAS, the difficulties victims face and why she lives to help. Regina offers examples of what her clients face, how she helps and what fires her up about her job. You're getting to know the people behind DASAS with our Spotlight Series of interviews, interspersed throughout our podcast journey. If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.
8 Jan 202018min
Survivor Story: Ann's Story of Surviving Multiple Abusive Relationships
"Ann" survived an abuser who nearly strangled her at 18, an abusive partner who held her at gunpoint, sexual abuse and more. In this episode she shares her story to inspire and guide other victims to become survivors. This survivor has had music to help her, friends, groups like Al-Anon and even a boss who stepped in to show support and offer help. Ann says she now strives to be that light for others. "If one person gets help because of one thing I have said... your life can be such a better quality of life. Don't let what has happened to you hold you back. Because you will forever be held back if you crawl into a hole and give in and give up. You have to find what helps you." If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
18 Dec 201930min
To the Male Victims of Domestic Violence
Men aren’t the problem. But men are the solution. I didn’t fully understand this statement before getting involved with Domestic and Sexual Abuse Services. But my time in the recording booth with our podcast team has opened my eyes to so much. First, it’s normal to talk about victims with female pronouns because so many domestic violence victims we see are women, and their assailants, men. But we know that victims aren’t only women. Men are victims, too. At the hands of both female and male abusers. Secondly, through interviews with survivors and experts in this organization, I’ve learned that as a man, I don’t need to feel shunned because so often it’s my gender who’s violent. This isn’t an organization or a movement that’s against men. Organizations like DASAS are here to support men, just as we support women. We want to put a stop to intimate partner violence by shining a light on it. It’s not okay to take the power away from a partner or other relationship. It’s not manly to control others. I want to speak to the men here tonight. If you’re a man in an abusive relationship, it’s important to know that you’re not alone. Abuse of men happens far more often than you might expect—in both heterosexual and same sex relationships. It happens to men from all cultures and all walks of life regardless of age or occupation. However, men are often reluctant to report abuse because they feel embarrassed, fear they won’t be believed, or are scared that their partner will take revenge. Domestic violence against men can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse and threats of abuse. Abusive relationships always involve an imbalance of power and control. An abuser uses intimidating, hurtful words and behaviors to control his or her partner. It might not be easy to recognize domestic violence against men. Early in the relationship, your partner might seem attentive, generous and protective in ways that later turn out to be controlling and frightening. You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner: Calls you names, insults you or puts you down Prevents you from going to work or school Stops you from seeing family or friends Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs Threatens you with violence or a weapon Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you physically, your children or your pets Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it Please. Don't take the blame. You may not be sure whether you're the victim or the abuser. It's common for survivors of domestic violence to act out verbally or physically against the abuser, yelling, pushing or hitting him or her during conflicts. The abuser may use such incidents to manipulate you, describing them as proof that you are the abusive partner. You may have developed unhealthy behaviors. Many survivors do. That doesn't mean you are at fault for the abuse. If you're having trouble identifying what's happening, take a step back and look at larger patterns in your relationship. Then, review the signs of domestic violence. In an abusive relationship, the person who routinely uses these behaviors is the abuser. The person on the receiving end is being abused. Even if you're still not sure, seek help. Intimate partner violence causes physical and emotional damage — no matter who is at fault. If you’re gay, bisexual, or transgender, you can experience domestic violence and abuse if you’re in a relationship with someone who: Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues, or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity Tells you that authorities won’t help a gay, bisexual, or transgender person Tells you that leaving the relationship means you’re admitting that gay, bisexual, or transgender relationships are deviant Justifies abuse by telling you that you’re not “really” gay, bisexual, or transgender Says that men are naturally violent Regardless of gender, ending a relationship, even an abusive one, is rarely easy. It becomes even harder if you’ve been isolated from friends and family, threatened, manipulated, and controlled, or physically and emotionally beaten down. You may feel that you have to stay in the relationship due to any of these reasons: You feel ashamed. Many men feel great shame that they’ve been abused, been unable to stand up for themselves, or somehow failed in their role as a male, husband, or father. Your religious beliefs dictate that you stay or your self-worth is so low that you feel this abusive relationship is all you deserve. There’s a lack of resources. Many men worry they’ll have difficulty being believed by the authorities, or that their abuse will be minimized because they’re male, or find there are few resources to specifically help abused men. You’re in a same sex relationship but haven’t come out to family or friends, and are afraid your partner will out you. You’re in denial. Just as with female domestic violence victims, denying that there is a problem in your relationship will only prolong the abuse. You may still love your partner when they’re not being abusive and believe that they will change or that you can help them. But change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for their behavior and seeks professional treatment. You want to protect your children. You worry that if you leave, your spouse will harm your children or prevent you from having access to them. Obtaining custody of children is always challenging for fathers, but even if you are confident that you can do so, you may still feel overwhelmed at the prospect of raising them alone. If these sound familiar, you are not alone. We see you. Domestic violence and abuse can have a serious physical and psychological impact. The first step to protecting yourself and stopping the abuse is to reach out. Talk to a friend, family member, or someone else you trust, or call a domestic violence helpline. Admitting the problem and seeking help does not mean you have failed as a man or as a husband. You are not to blame, and you are not weak. As well as offering a sense of relief and providing some much-needed support, sharing details of your abuse can also be the first step in building a case against your abuser. If you’re looking for help and need advice or advocacy, I want to encourage you to call 911 if it’s an emergency. Then, please reach out to DASAS. We’re here to help. Our 24 hour hotline is 800-828-2023 and our website is dasas-mi-dot-org. Domestic violence against men can have devastating effects. Although you may not be able to stop your partner's abusive behavior, you can seek help. Remember, no one deserves to be abused. I encourage everyone to listen to our podcast, I’m Not In An Abusive Relationship, for hope, insight and encouragement. Thank you for being here tonight. If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
11 Dec 201910min
Better Dead Than Divorced: The True Story of Domestic Violence Turned Deadly
Dr. Lukas Konandreas is not only a full-time emergency room doctor, he is also the author of Better Dead Than Divorced and an advocate for domestic abuse victims. A romance. A forced marriage. A scandalous affair. A hit man. Better Dead Than Divorced is the true story of a young woman whose path crosses with a charming playboy. Their fates collide into a love affair. He asks her to have sex, since “We are to get married anyway” and she gives in. He reneges his promise, but the young woman’s family makes sure he lives up to his promise. Their forced marriage opens the gates for disaster. He has extramarital affairs, he is abusing her and tries for years to commission an assassin, someone, to kill her. She knows about his evil intentions and she is urged to leave him and save her life but her love, her devotion, and societal prejudice against divorced women make her stay and say “ Better Dead Than Divorced”. And dead she ends up one night by a commissioned assassin. Her cousin, a principled man, driven by honor and conscience fights beyond his modest means in a corrupt system to have justice for her loss served. One of the ways that Dr. Lukas advocates for the victims is to help empower them to get out of the abusive relationships. If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
4 Dec 201930min
How to Deal with Online Harassment and Abuse
When you face online harassment or abuse, it affects you in real life. Sometimes the threats come right to your front door. So what happens when an abuser takes their attacks online? Or what are you supposed to do when online abuse occurs and you're not feeling safe? What makes online abusers tick? Most people have come across trolls, haters or even worse on the internet. Especially for people in underrepresented groups, the internet can be a place where safety does not seem a given. Geraldine DeRuiter shared her ideas and experiences about surviving online harassment and making the internet a better place to work and play. Geraldine is a writer. Her travel blog, The Everywhereist, catapulted her into a digital career with a large social media following. She's faced abuse of all levels. Now Geraldine speaks on her experience to help others. The Smart Woman’s Guide to Surviving Online Abuse – Geraldine DeRuiter The Everywhereist Geraldine on Twitter If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
27 Nov 201950min
What is the Michigan Crime Victims Compensation Fund?
Executive Director of DASAS Rose Ludwick brings information on the Crime Victims Compensation Fund in this episode of I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship. The Crime Victim Services Commission (CVSC) Compensation Program may help crime victims, who sustained a personal physical injury, and their immediate families with the financial costs of crime. Costs that may be eligible include medical treatment, counseling, funerals, crime scene clean-up, grief counseling and loss of income or support not paid by other sources. Contact Information:Victims-Only Toll-Free Number: 1-877-251-7373Fax: 517-373-2439Email: MDHHS-Michigancrimevictim@michigan.gov If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
20 Nov 201911min
How to Talk to Children Who Experience Domestic Violence
Tori Lawrence, Child Advocate at DASAS joins the show to discuss how to talk to children who experience domestic violence. When It’s Time to Talk Talking about abuse is never comfortable. It can be particularly difficult to discuss the topic with your children. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say anything. Children have this elephant-in-the-room problem, and it can really create a kind of wedge between the child and parent. That’s when we start to see behavioral issues. Experts say those behavioral issues are often children trying to express themselves without having the opportunity or know-how to do so verbally. Instead, they act out via tantrums, defiance and aggressive behavior. Establishing open communication and being available to listen and answer questions is the best way to help your children deal with what’s going on. Here are eight tips from The National Child Traumatic Stress Network for discussing domestic violence with kids. Take the lead. Don’t wait for children to come to you; they’re likely scared and uncomfortable to bring the topic up, too. Start with a message of support. Try something like, “I care about you and I will listen to you.” Find out what they know. Ask your children what they’ve seen or what they understand about what’s happening at home. Show support. Acknowledge children’s feelings and their versions of events, which may not line up with what actually happened. Tell them it’s not their fault. Children are naturally self-centered and are likely to think they’re the reason for the violence. Assure them they are not. Tell them violence is not OK. It may feel hypocritical to say, but it’s still an important message to get across. Try to stay calm. Speaking confidently conveys a sense of security. If your children ask something you’re not comfortable answering right then, tell them it’s an important question and you need some time to think before you can answer. Most importantly, make sure you do get back to them. Don’t put any burden on them. Rely on other adults for support and avoid placing stress or worry on your children by discussing relationship or custody issues with them. It’s Okay to Ask for Help If you’re still uncomfortable talking to your children about domestic violence, don’t be too hard on yourself. Most likely a parent won't simply automatically know what to say. This is why the role of external supports, whether it’s an advocate, a neighbor, a friend, a therapist—someone who can really help the non-abusing parent think through what they want to say to the child—are so important. In addition to general support, getting professional help from a child therapist anytime you are concerned about your child’s mental and emotional well-being is critical. If your child’s behaviors are significantly interfering with their ability to function at school or at home, if there’s aggression that feels unsafe or uncontainable, if an older child gives any hint of self-harm—these are clear indications that the child needs outside help. Parents should not hesitate to seek support if they are worried about their child. Resource that inspired this episode. If you need help, please call our 24-hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit https://www.dasasmi.org/ for resources. I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship published a new episode every Wednesday morning at 8:00am EST. Please subscribe on your podcast player of choice or sign up for our email list for new episodes each week. We appreciate reviews and social shares, to help us spread the word on domestic and sexual abuse awareness.
13 Nov 201922min
