E.66 - Sex Workers Deserve to Live Shame-Free with Veronica Monet

In this episode I have a chance to chat with Kevin A. Patterson, author of Love's Not Colorblind, the foremost book on race and polyamory. Having been tagged in my interviews with Olivia, Kevin felt called to address my comment regarding my mindset of victims and victors. I have a chance to explain my comment further, and Kevin helps me understand how viewing people by this binary idea is a value judgment based on how much we can endure, even though the problem isn't our strength--it's the social construct of white supremacy. Kevin talks about how many people of color (including myself for most of my life) try to place themselves on equal footing with the white establishment and deny the white supremacy that exists, but how the reckoning comes for us all eventually (see Omarosa and the Trump administration). He shares how friends have turned him into "the scary Black guy" when the need arose, and how easily his image could be turned based solely on how Black folx are viewed in this country. Kevin and I have an amazing conversation chatting about creating inclusive communities, and he gives me some tips on fostering diversity on the podcast in upcoming seasons, and how you can do the same in your polyam circles! Be sure to tune in and learn how you can create inclusive communities in your polyam world, too! Learn more about Kevin at www.kevinapatterson.com and improve your polyam relationships by learning directly from him at www.unfuckyourpolyamory.com ! Follow him on IG: @polyrolemodels , too!

9 Sep 202138min

In this continuing conversation around creating inclusive communities, I share my experiences of assimilation and rejection of my Mexican culture growing up. I tell the story of visiting Mexico as a kid, and my difficulty in taking pride in my Mexican heritage based on my perception of the country, specifically what I saw in the "dirty" border town of Tijuana. I talk about learning Spanish before English, and being placed in the ESL class in early childhood, despite rejecting the language at home. At home, my dad taught us to reject the Chicano culture that he attributed to the Cholo (Mexican gangster) lifestyle. That Cholo stereotype is the one that is most often portrayed in the media, and it was the one that I was taught was wrong, or evil. I didn't want to be associated with it, and I learned to distance myself from it. After sharing my own history with my culture, I talk about how I am connected to it today. I share what I've come to realize about where I stand, including being one generation away from carrying an "illegal" status. Lastly I share my thoughts on what my life might be like had I been born in Mexico instead of here in the US, and my recognition of my privilege by living here. Hope you all are learning along with me, and that this helps us all to continue to create inclusive polyam communities!

8 Sep 202131min

This was such a great conversation with relationship therapist Paige Bond, who breaks down the worst of the worst, most problematic behaviors in relationships often referred to as the four horsemen. We dive deep into each of these: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, and the antidotes (or countermeasures) for each one. Paige gives so many great examples of each, and helps us create better "I-Statements" to make sure that we are taking responsibility for our own actions. We also get into the topic of having a secure attachment to ourselves, which will help us create better attachments with those around us. Paige helps us understand how not having a secure attachment to ourselves may prevent us from being able to be introspective enough to recognize our own needs and improve our relationships in the process. Paige talks about having an attitude of gratitude, and I share a story about my brother's journey of gratitude that might help you appreciate your partner more! Stonewalling might be a bit confusing to some (it was for me), and we have a great conversation to help folx understand the difference between stonewalling (avoiding the conflict altogether) and taking time or space away to cool down and approach the problem when emotions are more level. Learn more about Paige at www.paigebond.com and follow her on FB: @CouplesCounselingCFL !

7 Sep 202135min

What happens when we open our relationships and our partners begin to love someone else? If we are stuck in a scarcity mindset, we may believe that love in finite and become fearful. Petra Stone helps us understand where the scarcity mindset may come from, and invites us to explore strategies to overcome that mindset and welcome a belief of abundance. We talk about the misplaced belief that attention is equated with love, and how that belief is rooted in fear. When it comes to our partners' attention, we find that a romantic connection with someone other than ourselves can be more intimidating with a hobby (like golfing), but when we give our partners the freedom to seek connections elsewhere, we can rest knowing that our partners never have to choose. We also get into the topic of consent, especially when engaging in conversation with new people. We talk about the small infractions that wear down our personal boundaries, and how being more aware of what we want can help us to have better relationships in the long run. Such a fun conversation with a lot of ground covered! Learn more about Petra at www.beginningtherapy.com and www.sentientfest.com!

6 Sep 202139min

Dr. Dana McNeil is a fellow San Diegan whose journey into therapy was inspired twofold. First, by her experiences as an insurance claims adjuster, where she would play the role of a witness to people going through pain and trauma; and secondly by going through couples' counseling using the Gottman method with her husband. She tells her story of realizing that being a therapist was her calling, and how she's used her practice to create safe spaces for folx of all walks of life who want to improve their relationships. When we start getting into laying solid foundations, Dr. Dana talks about how people's relationships are affected based on their expectations. She describes how everything a partner does for us is a gift, which might help us realize that our expectations in our relationships may vary, and our individual views of the world affect those expectations. Dr. Dana encourages us to have discussions around our expectations to lay a good, solid foundation for our relationships. We talk about behaviors that reflect our commitments to our partners, with the reminder that if/when we do something for our partners, that behavior is a gift. We also talk about "perpetual issues," issues in relationships that might never be resolved, and how to navigate those issues with our partners. This was such a fun and insightful conversation that you won't want to miss! Learn more about Dr. Dana at www.danamcneil.com and follow her on IG: @DrDanaMcNeil !

1 Sep 202133min

Krista is the co-founder of @PolyInPlace and she has teamed up with previous guest and friend of the podcast, Claire Travers @PolyPages to launch a book club for the polyamorous community, starting in October 2021. If you are looking for support and to engage with the community, be sure to go to www.polypages.org/bookclub to join! As a natural storyteller, Krista was inspired to create a community and platform for others to share their journeys into polyamory when she and her polycule hunkered down (like we all did) during the 2020 pandemic. In this episode, Krista and I talk about some of the books and stories that have inspired her, and she shares her journey of discovering polyamory and working through infidelity in her previously monogamous relationship. Krista shares how she and her husband were able to shed many of their old ideologies, put a stop to infidelities, and successfully move into ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. Be sure to follow Krista @PolyInPlace and tune into their event, Polyamory in Publishing in partnership with Claire from @PolyPages, Eve Rickert (co-author of More Than Two), Thorntree Press, and M. Ellery (author of A Color Named Love), and Rachel Krantz (author of a forthcoming memoir called Open). Go to www.polypages.org for more information!

31 Aug 202132min

In this episode, Dr. Rachel Anne Kieran and I get a chance to chat about her journey through becoming a therapist for the polyam community, and her inspiration to be an ally and resource to those in need. We talk about the history of psychology with regard to polyamory, non-monogamy, LGBTQ+ issues, and kink, and how important it is that the therapists we seek do not automatically pathologize us for our relationship styles. Dr. Kieran shares her insights on intersectionality, including recognizing her privilege when engaged with clients, and we talk about our internal intersections, too. She gives some great examples of how we might struggle with our own intersecting personalities, and gives some tips on how to address our own needs. When it comes to leaning into difficult conversations, Rachel talks about the conversations we need to have on both micro and macro levels, and we talk about why it's important for us to have these conversations not just within our personal relationships, but with the world at large. Learn more about Dr. Rachel Anne Kieran at www.rkieranpsyd.com, and follow her on FB: @drkieran !

30 Aug 202131min

In this guest-less episode, I tell the story of my first polyam relationship back in 2017 and the struggles I faced while navigating my first relationship. I talk about some of the mistakes I made including treating my partner as disposable, downplaying my feelings with my other partner, and allowing couples privilege and hierarchy to guide many of my decisions. I also talk about the importance of self-care, and how allowing myself to feel my emotions and release them helped me heal. Want to share your imperfect story? Go to www.practicingpolyamory.com and sign up today, and follow everywhere @practicingpolya!

25 Aug 202125min