67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)
Apocrypals28 Juni 2020

67: Bad Things to Call Your Mother (The Book of Bartholomew)

Having a bad day, Theophiloi? I mean, yes, of course you are, we all are in These Unprecedented Times. But hey, let's look on the bright side! At least angels aren't poking out your eyes, cutting out your tongue, and breaking your tablet, like they did with Judas. That's what Bartholomew told us, anyway, and believe it or not, it's nowhere near the weirdest beef in his eponymously apocryphal Book Of. Join us as Death and all his kids get thoroughly dunked on and Mary gets called some uniquely unflattering things that we're pretty sure are supposed to be good. Also, if angels actually are cutting out your tongue, uh, we apologize. Listen anyway.

Topics of discussion: Benito gets raw, a correction of a total scrub mistake, Quebecusses, a Lazy Jesus, a weird bosom, Apa Ananias (he a freak), Death's Alfred, thirty snakes, Whomst Was At The Tombst Part Twost, Pharka Marimath, the begonia virgins, our good new greeting card business idea, Adam and Eve's improbable and incompatible heights, the Mystery Husband, a very good plan for rebuilding the Church via tendies.

Hymnal: "Judas" by Fozzy, "Papparazi" by D.R. Luft ( https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQNN_yCiQPu7N22ubjw3bHw )

Offertory: As Enoch writes, "Whoever of you spends gold or silver for his brother's sake, he will receive ample treasure in the world to come." Support the show via http://ko-fi.com/apocrypals, or check out Official Apocrypals merchandise designed by Erica Henderson! https://www.teepublic.com/user/apocrypals

Black Lives Matter. Trans Lives Matter. Heck 12. Amos 5:24.

Avsnitt(126)

61: Countless Large Gregs (The Second Book of Enoch)

61: Countless Large Gregs (The Second Book of Enoch)

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60: Joses Crust (The Acts of Andrew and Matthias)

60: Joses Crust (The Acts of Andrew and Matthias)

We're all having an extremely normal time right now, Theophiloi, but it always pays to remember that it could be worse. You could, for example, be Andrew, first called to be a disciple of the Lord Jes...

22 Mars 20201h 16min

59: Source of the Flow (The Book of Leviticus)

59: Source of the Flow (The Book of Leviticus)

Time to eat the vegetables, Theophiloi. After nearly two years of putting it off, we finally lay down the law with Leviticus, and scramble desperately to make a few jokes before we wind up thoroughly ...

8 Mars 20201h 32min

58: Blaise, Your Dead Homie (The Lives of St. Sebastian, St. Blaise, and St. Agatha)

58: Blaise, Your Dead Homie (The Lives of St. Sebastian, St. Blaise, and St. Agatha)

Cough up that fishbone and tighten up your bowstrings, Theophiloi, because it's time to dive into a trio of hagiographies from our boy JDV and the Golden Legend. Join us as we commemorate February wit...

23 Feb 20201h 49min

57: We Holy Ghost, Bro? (The Life of Xanthippe, Polyxena, and Rebecca)

57: We Holy Ghost, Bro? (The Life of Xanthippe, Polyxena, and Rebecca)

Wizards! Talking lions! Armies of demons! Dudes just straight getting wrecked in the face! Truly it can be said, Theophiloi: this one has it all. Join us as we recount the lives and conduct of the hol...

8 Feb 20201h 37min

56: Welcome to the Bone Zone (The Book of Ezekiel, Part Two)

56: Welcome to the Bone Zone (The Book of Ezekiel, Part Two)

Welcome back, Theophiloi, to the truly disconcerting rantings of the hair-throwing, scroll-eating mad lad himself, Ezekiel! In this episode, we go to extremes, as Ezekiel offers up the most brütal hor...

26 Jan 20201h 8min

55: The Parable of the Sexy Blood Baby (The Book of Ezekiel, Part One)

55: The Parable of the Sexy Blood Baby (The Book of Ezekiel, Part One)

Let me ask you a question, Theophiloi: why prophets so nasty? In this episode, we put our treasured No Cusses rule in the greatest danger as we dive into the violent and upsettingly horny visions of E...

12 Jan 20201h 34min

54: Our Favorite Murders (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas)

54: Our Favorite Murders (The Infancy Gospel of Thomas)

Merry Christmas, Theophiloi! It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which subsequently led to several horrible crimes that terrorized his hometown f...

22 Dec 20191h 30min

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