What to Do When Fights Go From Bad to Worse?

What to Do When Fights Go From Bad to Worse?

What does it mean when we become 'flooded' during a stressful conversation with our spouse? Last week Robert and Sharla unpacked our emotional 'triggers,' which could lead to 'flooding' – the theme of this week's scientifically strategic episode.

It turns out that taking a break during an argument with a loved one can be healthy. It doesn't always make sense to push through a tough conversation just to prove we are invested in our marriage.

When we are triggered into a 'fight or flight' response, it can cause us to disconnect emotionally, leading to behaviors that cause hurt and pain. We see our spouse as the 'threat.' This can cause ‘emotional dysregulation,’ which is our inability to use healthy strategies to diffuse our own negative emotions.

There's an entire physiological programming that we are up against that, when understood properly, can be used to our advantage as we 'fight' for the survival of our relationship rather than take 'flight' for the sake of ourselves.

From understanding our sympathetic nervous system as the accelerator in our body and the parasympathetic branch of our autonomic nervous system as the brakes, we can use tools like breathing and even oximeters for measuring our bpm to calm ourselves down. When tempers flare, self-soothing is the start of showing you still care.

Robert and Sharla expertly unpack how we can better understand and regulate our nervous system and ‘pump the brakes’ so we don't become 'flooded' when faced with an emotional crisis.


Learning how to harness the tools of simple science may just be the wake-up call you need to prevent 'flooding' leading to 'isolation' and then ultimately 'divorce.' Thankfully, proactive prevention is just one podcast episode away.



"When we become triggered, we become activated into a heightened physiological and emotional state." ~ Robert Snow


"When we get activated into fight or flight while we're simply talking to our spouse (about maybe a simple disagreement or a difficult subject), that's gonna be problematic, right? Because now our spouse is that perceived threat." ~ Sharla Snow



In This Episode:

- How our innate physiological programming is intended for 'life or death' situations

- Understanding 'flooding' and the physical reactions we experience when triggered

- What is the 'distance isolation cascade'?

- A deep dive into understanding our autonomic nervous system

- Understanding 'auditory exclusion' and how our hearing can become impaired in stressful situations

- That moment when conflict escalates (and our heart rate goes above 100 bpm)

- What can you 'not do' when you're flooded?

- How do we get our heart rate back to baseline after an argument?

- How can we get out of the stressful situation we find ourselves in with our partners?

- What are the Three Steps you should take when you're triggered and then flooded?

- How can a pulse oximeter help you manage your bpm levels?

- What should you NOT do when you're taking a break?

- Homework! Coming up with a strategy (with your spouse) on how to take a break


And so much more!



Resources:

- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars

- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program -

Avsnitt(136)

Strengthening Connection and Intimacy through Empathy Part 1

Strengthening Connection and Intimacy through Empathy Part 1

Values Course “Sync Up: Aligning Values & Vision For Lasting Love” now available! Get registered here: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/in-sync-together-aligning-values--vision"Empathy creates more intimacy, and that's what everyone wants."Empathy is a powerful tool that can improve intimacy and connection in relationships. It involves being fully present and seeking to understand the feelings and needs of others. Empathy is not sympathy, giving advice, or trying to fix things. It requires being present, focusing on the present moment, and understanding the feelings and needs of the other person. Non-verbal communication, such as body language, is often more important than words in conveying empathy. Achieving empathy can lead to a sense of peace and connection.Takeaways:Empathy is a powerful tool for improving intimacy and connection in relationships.Being fully present and seeking to understand the feelings and needs of others is key to practicing empathy.Empathy is not sympathy, giving advice, or trying to fix things.Non-verbal communication, such as body language, is often more important than words in conveying empathy.Achieving empathy can lead to a sense of peace and connection.#empathy #intimacy #connection

17 Apr 202427min

Avoiding Miscommunications Traps in Marriage

Avoiding Miscommunications Traps in Marriage

Values Course “Sync Up: Aligning Values & Vision For Lasting Love” now available! Get registered here: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/in-sync-together-aligning-values--vision"Are we even speaking the same language?"In this episode, Robert and Sharla Snow discuss the miscommunications that can occur in relationships and how different speaking and listening styles contribute to these misunderstandings. They explain the differences between inferential and literal listeners and speakers, and the challenges that can arise when these styles clash. The hosts emphasize the importance of clear communication and making explicit requests to avoid misinterpretations. They also encourage couples to eliminate the expectation that their partner should just know their needs and instead appreciate when their requests are met. Overall, the episode provides practical tips for improving communication and preventing miscommunications in relationships.TakeawaysDifferent speaking and listening styles can lead to miscommunications in relationships.Inferential listeners infer meaning from what is said, while literal listeners take words at face value.Inferential speakers imply or hint at their needs, while literal speakers are direct.It is important to recognize and understand your own speaking and listening style, as well as your partner's.Clear communication and explicit requests can help prevent misinterpretations.Eliminate the expectation that your partner should just know your needs and instead appreciate when they respond to your requests.Be grateful for your partner's efforts to connect and meet your needs, even if you have to ask for it.Chapters00:00 Introduction and Overview06:12 Understanding Listening Styles12:41 Different Speaking Styles23:26 The Importance of Clear Communication27:30 Eliminating the Expectation of Mind Reading31:11 Conclusion and Call to Action

10 Apr 202431min

Mastering Conflict: From Divorce Predictors to Win-Win Compromises

Mastering Conflict: From Divorce Predictors to Win-Win Compromises

In this episode of the Master Your Marriage Podcast, hosts Sharla and Robert Snow dive deep into the intricacies of mastering conflict and communication within relationships. This time they are not alone, Robert and Sharla were special guests for The Body Pod Podcast, with Hailey Happens Fitness and Love By Laura.The episode explores the Gottman Institute's research on predictors of divorce, highlighting the importance of avoiding detrimental conflict behaviors. Sharla and Robert share insights on strategies such as 'adult timeouts' and self-soothing techniques, emphasizing the significance of empathy, trust, and positive communication in creating emotional safety within relationships.Listeners are encouraged to view conflicts as opportunities for growth and understanding, with proactive engagement in respectful communication advocated for effective conflict resolution. Tune in for expert advice on building stronger, more fulfilling partnerships through deliberate communication techniques.Don't forget to check their podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-body-pod/id1713102062And also Hailey's IG:https://www.instagram.com/haileyhappensfitness?igsh=c3MzOXBqMzVnNmJn

3 Apr 20241h 6min

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 4 (The Art of Saying No)

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 4 (The Art of Saying No)

This is Part 4 in a 4 Part Series on Navigating Needs In RelationshipsIn this episode, Robert and Sharla Snow discuss the art of saying no and creating boundaries without pain. They emphasize the importance of saying no to requests from our partners compassionately, to maintain connection and avoid resentment. They explore the concept of resentful accommodation, where we meet the needs of others at the expense of our own needs and desires. The hosts provide examples of how resentful accommodation can manifest in relationships and the negative impact it can have. They also offer a three-step framework for compassionately saying no and finding a win-win solution.Takeaways:Saying no to our partner's requests is important for maintaining connection and avoiding resentment.Resentful accommodation, where we meet the needs of others at the expense of our own needs, is a losing strategy.It is essential to know and express our own needs and desires in order to have a balanced and intimate relationship.A three-step framework for saying no compassionately includes receiving the request as a gift, stating the need behind the no, and searching for a win-win solution.Chapters00:00 Introduction00:59 Importance of Saying No04:14 Resentful Accommodation05:24 Examples of Resentful Accommodation06:22 Losing Strategy07:20 Question: What if I can't always meet my partner's needs?10:06 Resentful Accommodation and Insecurity12:28 Resentful Accommodation in Family Situations13:51 Feeling Resentful at Family Gatherings15:44 Complex Emotion of Resentment19:34 Knowing Our Needs and Desires20:58 Framework for Saying No21:50 Step 1: Receive the Request as a Gift23:44 Step 2: State the Need Behind the No25:38 Step 3: Search for a Win-Win27:27 Balancing Needs and Staying Connected29:22 Conclusion and Call to Action

27 Mars 202430min

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 3 (Asking Without Starting A Fight)

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 3 (Asking Without Starting A Fight)

This is Part 3 in a 4 Part Series on Navigating Needs In RelationshipsIn this episode, Robert and Sharla Snow discuss the importance of expressing needs effectively in relationships. They highlight the role of unexpressed and unspoken needs in causing resentment. The hosts emphasize the need to make clear observations without evaluation or judgment and to honestly and effectively express feelings. They outline the four elements of a compassionate request: clear observations, expressing feelings, articulating specific needs, and making a specific request without sounding like a demand. The hosts acknowledge the challenges of building trust in requests and encourage listeners to be patient and practice this new way of communicating.TakeawaysUnexpressed and unspoken needs can lead to resentment in relationships.Effective communication involves making clear observations without evaluation or judgment.Expressing feelings honestly and effectively is crucial in expressing needs.A compassionate request includes clear observations, feelings, specific needs, and a request that does not sound like a demand.Chapters00:00 Resentment in Relationships03:05 Expressing Needs Effectively04:00 Four Elements of a Compassionate Request05:25 Making Clear Observations10:30 Expressing Feelings13:23 Articulating Specific Needs15:40 Making a Specific Request24:54 Building Trust in Requests26:18 Final Thoughts and Call to Action

20 Mars 202426min

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 2 (Identifying Unmet Needs)

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 2 (Identifying Unmet Needs)

Values Course “Sync Up: Aligning Values & Vision For Lasting Love” now available! Get registered here: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/in-sync-together-aligning-values--visionThis is Part 2 in a 4 Part Series on Navigating Needs In RelationshipsIn this episode, Robert and Sharla Snow discuss the science of needs and how to express them in a healthy way. They highlight the destructive communication patterns that sabotage getting needs met and provide strategies for transforming communication. The importance of becoming conscious of needs is emphasized, and an exercise is shared to help listeners translate judgments into needs. The episode concludes with a discussion on core human needs and a call to action to create a vocabulary of needs.TakeawaysDestructive communication patterns, such as criticism and blame, sabotage getting needs met.Expressing needs clearly requires avoiding demands and using compassionate language.Becoming conscious of needs is essential for effective communication.An exercise can help translate judgments into needs and create a vocabulary of needs.Chapters00:00 Introduction02:48 The Importance of Needs08:04 Destructive Communication Patterns14:02 Transforming Communication Patterns21:53 Exercise: Translating Judgments into Needs26:12 Identifying Core Human Needs27:06 Conclusion and Call to Action

13 Mars 202428min

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 1 (What is Anger?)

Communicating Needs in Relationships, Part 1 (What is Anger?)

Values Course “Sync Up: Aligning Values & Vision For Lasting Love” now available! Get registered here: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/in-sync-together-aligning-values--visionThis is Part 1 of a 4 Part Series on Navigating Needs In RelationshipsIn this touching episode, Robert and Sharla Snow openly share a personal encounter with anger, offering a genuine glimpse into their imperfect moments. They delve into the nuanced nature of anger, challenging preconceptions and drawing insights from Dr. John Gottman's research. Practical steps for transforming anger are introduced, accompanied by a self-awareness exercise for listeners. The episode underscores the transformative power of thoughtful responses, emphasizing the space between stimulus and reaction. Takeaways:Anger Signals Unmet Needs: Recognize anger as a signal indicating disconnection from personal needs.Transform Thoughts, Not Blame: Shift focus from blaming others to transforming internal thoughts contributing to anger.Connect to Underlying Needs: Dig beneath judgments to identify and connect with the unmet needs fueling anger.Practice Self-Awareness: Keep a journal to note anger triggers, facilitating reflection and transformation.CHAPTERS:Opening ConfessionThe Nature of AngerThe Prisoner's StorySteps to Transform AngerPractical Self-Awareness ExerciseThe Power of Thoughtful ResponsesClosing Gratitude and Call to Action

8 Mars 202424min

The Secret To Happiness In Marriage

The Secret To Happiness In Marriage

Values Course “Sync Up: Aligning Values & Vision For Lasting Love” now available! Get registered here: https://stan.store/masteryourmarriage/p/in-sync-together-aligning-values--visionIf you have a question you would like addressed, call us! Leave your question in a recorded message which we may select to be played on a future episode. That question line is 801-669-8513.SummaryIn this episode, Robert and Sharla Snow discuss the pursuit of happiness in relationships. They explore the illusion of future happiness and the importance of finding joy in challenging circumstances. Drawing from their experience with an 80-year-old Mayan woman in Guatemala, they emphasize the role of personal happiness in relationships. The couple also examines the relationship between money and happiness, highlighting the need for individuals to take responsibility for their own happiness. They provide practical tips and practices for creating a happiness fitness plan, in each of the following categories: spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical.Takeaways:Happiness is not dependent on external circumstances or future events; it is a choice we make in the present moment.Finding joy in challenging circumstances is possible and can be learned from individuals who have little material wealth.The secret to happiness in relationships is being a happy person oneself, rather than relying on a partner to change.Taking responsibility for our own happiness involves creating a fitness plan that includes spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical practices.Chapters:The Illusion of Future HappinessFinding Happiness in Challenging CircumstancesLessons from an 80-year-old Mayan WomanThe Secret to Happiness in RelationshipsThe Relationship Between Money and HappinessTaking Responsibility for Our Own HappinessThe Futility of Wanting Our Partner to ChangeThe Impact of Negative Sentiment OverrideCreating a Happiness Fitness PlanThe Power of Alpha Brain WavesEmbracing Emotions and Practicing GratitudeTaking Care of Our Physical BodiesLessons from an 80-year-old Guatemalan Grandmother

28 Feb 202423min

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