182 Q&A Quickie: What should I do when my partner wants gender-based rules in non-monogamy?

Gender-based relationship rules might seem like an easy solution to difficult feelings that come up in non-monogamous relationships, but they often mask deeper issues that deserve our attention. Restrictions like "one penis policies" typically stem from unexamined jealousy, fears of competition, and internalized biases.

The desire for these kinds of rules often comes from very real places of emotional distress. But instead of using band-aids, we want you to address the root causes of these issues, so that you can create authentic, strong connections that aren’t held back by biases and societal programming.

In this episode, we talk about:

— Why gender-based dating rules are problematic and what they really represent— How jealousy masquerades as "preference" or "boundaries" in gender-based rules— The role of internalized biphobia and homophobia in creating these restrictions— Why competition fears feel different with different genders (and what that reveals)— The importance of examining where our feelings about gender-based rules originate— How cultural programming influences our comfort levels with different gender expressions— Why agreements based on gender restrictions rarely serve either partner— The connection between bisexual erasure and gender-based relationship rules— Practical steps for working through the jealousy beneath gender-based restrictions— How to move from rigid rules to authentic agreements that serve everyone

Resources mentioned in this episode:

— The Jealousy Roadmap - A free 20-page ebook for working through relationship jealousy

— Joli’s dissertation: "Triangular Trouble"

— Playing With Fire Episode 170 Jealousy & Attachment Panic

— Playing With Fire Episode 151 Justice Jealousy

— Playing with Fire Episode 127 Comperstruggle: When Jealousy & Compersion Collide with Dr. Marie Thouin

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Music: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions