Sex: Keeping It Hot - Ashleigh Renard

Ashleigh wrote “Swing” because it was her deepest, darkest secret. She thought that there wouldn’t be anybody in the world that could relate to what she experienced, so she wrote about about it to tell everybody. She thought, “Now I’m going to make this into art to share it.” An artist understands that every person will experience art in a different way, and that’s ok.

“Swing” is a book about the story of her and her husband getting into an exclusive sex club in New York City and the things that happen at the club. The book is meant to be a “bait and switch” though, because according to Ashleigh, the book is actually about “how easy it is to lose yourself in the roles that you think you should be playing for other people,” not about sex clubs.

She coached figure skating, 150 skaters on 10 teams. In a decade, she realized that she had been showing up for everybody else, but not for herself. Her marriage was imploding. She realized that she didn’t have a firm foundation anywhere in her life like she thought she had.

All of us are looking to feel “filled up.” Most of us have one or two ways of feeling filled up that aren’t good for us. Ashleigh found out that getting attention from other men was one of those things that made her feel good. She got the attention and affection that she desired in her own marriage through other men that she interacted with at these clubs. Growing up, she was the child who “never needed anything.” She simply reached for another accomplishment.

There are so many men who have connected with Ashleigh and to how she feels in the book. Some people may assume it to be a creepy thing, but it ends up being the complete opposite. Men describe her as being like a big sister. The way she describes things in the book are “you and your partner,” so there’s a universal aspect to it. People just want to talk to her about their feelings, men included.

Where do we get our information? Our parents don’t typically talk about sex in front of us, or finances, or any of the other things that cause us problems as adults.

Hot sex is a side effect of a healthy relationship. When we turn the iceberg on it’s side, though, it’s a way to get all of our communications and connections to be better.

The book actually started as a screenplay, but she couldn’t finish it. She got about halfway through and realized that people would find comfort in knowing the story actually happened after posting some things on social media and getting some positive feedback.

If we want to get to the place of radical connection, we have to go through the valley of honesty. She thought that the only thing that was ever good enough was something that was flawless. Anything less needed to be glossed over. “Good or better” was the only way to succeed. If you’ve had any kind of fracture in your relationship and you decide to stay together and work through it, on the other side of the fracture is a freedom to not be afraid of being imperfect anymore.

Peeing can teach us something about how we should treat ourselves. For Ashleigh, she realized that she needed to simply pee whenever she had the urge. If she couldn’t go, “Ashleigh needs to pee,” or “Ashleigh is hungry or tired,” she couldn’t be trusted to make the good decisions about the other cues that her body is telling herself. How do we know what we like sexually if we don’t even listen to our bodies for the simple things?

Ashleigh’s book “Swing” is available anywhere books are sold. Other ways to stay connected with Ashleigh are:

On IG: @AshleighRenard

“Keeping It Hot: The Workbook” - pre-orders available now!