You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

KC Davis is a therapist and author known for her practical, empathetic advice on dealing with clutter, even when you are feeling like too much of a mess yourself to take care of the mess in your home. Her TikTok videos on the subject have been viewed millions of times. But lately, Davis has been talking and writing about our relationships not just to the objects in our lives, but to the people, too.

In her new book, “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,” Davis tries to disentangle the popular understanding of boundaries, saying the concept is widely misunderstood. She offers a guide to forming and keeping boundaries that help readers better navigate their conflicts with other people.

On this episode of “Modern Love," Davis tells us what she thinks we get wrong about boundaries and how we should be thinking about them instead. She reads the Modern Love essay “Is My Husband a Doormat?” about a sudden argument between a couple 20 years into their relationship and talks about how boundaries can help defuse such situations. Davis also tells us how boundaries helped heal her own relationship with her father.

The author of today’s featured essay, Lidija Hilje, has a new novel coming out in July called “Slanting Towards the Sea.

For an upcoming episode about location sharing, the Modern Love team wants to hear your location-sharing story. Did something happen that made you regret sharing your location with someone? Was there a moment when you were thankful that you had? Where were you? What happened? How did your relationship change as a result? The deadline is May 1. Submission instructions are here.

Here’s how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times

Here’s how to submit a Tiny Love Story

Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

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What Does It Mean to Be a Kept Woman?

What Does It Mean to Be a Kept Woman?

Deanna Fei did not need a man. She was in her 20s, living in Shanghai on a Fulbright scholarship, writing her first novel: a book about fiercely independent Chinese women, very much like Deanna herself.Growing up as a first-generation Chinese American, Deanna resented the way some men, specifically white men, looked down on her. She refused to be anyone’s fetish. By the time she arrived in Shanghai, she had sworn off dating white men all together.But then, Deanna met a man: an older, successful white man, who offered to provide for her as she pursued her dreams. Was Deanna betraying herself, once she started falling in love with him? Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

18 Okt 202327min

Author Read: Don’t Hide in the Bathroom Stall

Author Read: Don’t Hide in the Bathroom Stall

Susan Gelles reads her Modern Love essay, “Single, and Surrounded by a Wall of Men."To hear our conversation with Susan, listen to the episode: “Don't Hide in the Bathroom Stall.” Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

13 Okt 202313min

Don’t Hide in the Bathroom Stall

Don’t Hide in the Bathroom Stall

Susan Gelles was a lawyer in her 30s who was too busy to find love. But after finally admitting that she was lonely, Susan did something that went against all her best instincts. She started attending singles mixers.On this episode, Susan shares her disastrous mismatches, awkward flirtations and the story of how she almost missed her chance to meet the love of her life. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

11 Okt 202326min

Author Read: Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife?

Author Read: Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife?

Khalid Abdulqaadir reads his Modern Love essay, “The Polygraph Test That Saved My Marriage." To hear our conversation with Khalid, listen to the episode: “Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife?”      Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

6 Okt 202312min

Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife?

Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife?

Khalid Abdulqaadir’s life was full of secrets. He started keeping them when he was a teenager, after his father was accused of an unimaginable crime. He didn’t want to explain his family history every time he started a new relationship. So his secrets followed him, even as he got married.Many years later, Khalid was interviewing for a job in the U.S. government, and he was required to take a polygraph test. The examiner asked him a question he could not avoid: “Have you ever kept a secret from your wife?”Khalid knew that it was time to tell his wife everything.This is the first episode of our new season! We’ll be back every Wednesday with a new story. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

4 Okt 202330min

I Needed David Schwimmer’s Help

I Needed David Schwimmer’s Help

Samantha Joseph’s childhood was scattered with golden trips to California to visit her Aunt Gail. Aunt Gail was the cool aunt. She worked in Hollywood and befriended actors like Robin Williams, Mayim Bialik and the cast of “Friends.” And yet she was still relatable (she’d get on the floor and play like a kid).One day, those trips to California stopped: Aunt Gail no longer wanted to see Samantha’s family. Samantha was devastated, and several years later, she was devastated again by the news that Aunt Gail had died by suicide.Today, Samantha shares her search for answers following her aunt’s death and how a conversation with David Schwimmer helped her to heal.Today’s Story:“I Had to Stop Asking Why” by Samantha Joseph Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

2 Aug 202325min

Essay Read: I Had To Stop Asking Why

Essay Read: I Had To Stop Asking Why

Samantha Joseph reads her Modern Love essay, “I Had to Stop Asking Why.” You can listen to Anna’s interview with Samantha in the “Modern Love” podcast feed - the episode is called “I Needed David Schwimmer’s Help:. You can also read Samantha’s essay on the New York Times website here. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

2 Aug 202312min

Essay Read: How I Lost the Fiancé But Won the Honeymoon

Essay Read: How I Lost the Fiancé But Won the Honeymoon

Nell Stephens reads her Modern Love essay, “How I Lost the Financé but Won the Honeymoon.” You can listen to Anna’s interview with Nell in the “Modern Love” podcast feed. You can also read Nell’s  essay on the New York Times website here. Unlock full access to New York Times podcasts and explore everything from politics to pop culture. Subscribe today at nytimes.com/podcasts or on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

27 Juli 202312min

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