How To Survive In A World Of Assholes | Melinda Wenner Moyer

In Richard III, Shakespeare has a scene where Brackenbury is handed orders from Richard by two men who clearly plan to murder the King’s brother. His response echos down through the ages as an example of willful and cowardly ignorance. As he replies after reading the orders:I am in this commanded to deliverThe noble duke of Clarence to your hands.I will not reason what is meant herebyBecause I will be guiltless from the meaning.This idea that we can close our eyes to the implications of something and therefore remain unstained by it is common. Shakespeare knew this. It’s the story of Seneca tutoring Nero in the arts of persuasion and strategy and then pretending that he did not know that he was putting a loaded weapon in the hands of a madman. It was the many leaders before the Second World War who read Hitler’s works but refused to take them seriously—to tell themselves they didn’t know what he would do when he had power. It’s the bosses (and investors) at Uber and Facebook who knew their respective companies had installed a win-at-all costs mentality and then pretended to be shocked when the winning came at a very high cost. It’s the story of the boards of directors and the executives at Hollywood studios and other businesses that turned a blind eye to sexual harassers or sent vulnerable women to be alone with someone they knew had abused their power in the paOprah has a great line: When people tell you who they are, you should believe them. But we often decline to do this, less out of stupidity than out of greed and fear (and occasionally, laziness). It’s easier not to probe. It’s easier not to get involved. If we let the truth sink in, then we have to get involved, and acting against the malicious is scary. So we deliberately don’t see the truth. If we step in, we might lose an income stream (as the folks at Uber would have if they had reigned in their ‘rockstar’ execs) or make an enemy (as Seneca would have in Nero had he stood up to him) or lose our lives (as any in the German leadership may have to Hitler as he rose to power).We don’t want to be bothered. We are afraid.  So we lie to ourselves. Or we look the other way. We think this makes us guiltless, but it doesn’t. It stains us more so. It haunts us too, particularly as the years pass and we look back at our own cowardice and failures. A Stoic stands up. A Stoic steps in. A Stoic doesn’t close their eyes. A Stoic calls a fraud a fraud when they see them. Even if it costs them. Even if it hurts. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

29 Jan 20193min

Confucius was once asked by a student if there was a single word to to live by, a word that would always provide guidance and truth. He thought about it for a minute and replied with the word chu, which translates roughly into “forbearance.”This is interesting because Epictetus was once asked which words would help a person live a life of peace and goodness. The two words, he said, were ἀνέχου (bear) and ἀπέχου (forbear). (Another translation puts it at: Persist and Resist). Again, it’s remarkable how two wise men living in the ancient world some 5,000 miles apart from each other, raised in different cultures and very different circumstances, speaking very different languages, in very different philosophies, could come to express the same concept. But that’s why we must take it to heart. There is universality in their simple formula (though it’s not an easy one): We resist giving in, resist temptation, resist despair, and resist degradation. We persist in our efforts, we persist in trying to be a good example for others, we persist in our training, we persist despite the obstacles thrown at us. The definition of forbearance perfectly captures both those ideas: Patient self-control. That’s our aim. Forever and always.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

28 Jan 20192min

Believe it or not, there’s a pretty magical way to start making better decisions. It’s a secret that will also make you feel better, look better, and live better. You’ll live longer, think more clearly, and do less that you regret. What is it?Stop drinking. Or, at least, drink less. Heraclitus’s line was that “a dry soul is wisest and best.” He’s right. Have you ever done anything you’re really proud of while drinking? Is anyone their best selves while drunk? Of course not. The best you can hope to say after a hard night of partying is that you didn’t make a fool of yourself. Now, the Stoics are mixed when it comes to drinking. Cato was said to like to relax with drinking. Seneca clearly liked a good dinner party, but at the same time he wrote critically of people who obsessed over wine or bragged about how well they could hold their liquor. Marcus and Epictetus probably drank the least of the Stoics, though they did not say too much about the subject. So while we can’t say that the Stoics were hardline teetotalers, their insistence on clear thinking, on self-control, and overall sobriety, makes it clear that they would have looked suspiciously at alcohol. As should we. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying life or a nice glass of wine, but we should look honestly at our own habits. We never want to be dependent or a slave to any substance, no matter how good it makes us feel in the moment. And we should be wary of anything that impairs our judgment and decision making. So if you want to be the better version of yourself, there’s a real straightforward change to make: Drink less. Or better, don’t drink at all. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

25 Jan 20192min

Epicurus’s dictum was that “One sage is no wiser than another.” Clearly, Seneca agreed with this idea because he loved quoting Epicurus, even though he belonged to a rival school. His famous line was that he’d quote even a bad author if the line was good.This is a good example that does not go far enough. We should actively pursue and engage with anyone who can be a source of wisdom to us, regardless of the school of thought from which that wisdom arose. That does not mean you have to become best friends, or abandon your philosophical first principles, just that you should listen. And not just listen, but hear. Because if there is wisdom out there to be had, we’d be wise to avail ourselves of it—and ignorant (or worse, stupid) not to.So don’t let your studies stop with Stoicism. Make sure you read widely. Pick up Epicurus and Confucius. Look at the best teachings of the Christians and the Buddhists, and the Islamists and the polytheists. There is good stuff in all these schools.The ancients were voracious consumers of knowledge and information, but they had nothing compared to the access and tools we take for granted today. They would have loved to be able to carry around thousands of digital books in their pocket, or have access to a website that let them get every book ever written delivered to their door in minutes. Can you imagine what they would have thought about a digital subscription service like Scribd that gives you basically every book ever published for less than $10 a month?What would they think of a world where, for free on YouTube, you can watch the lectures of the wisest people ever captured on film? You can bet they would have watched everything they could of Viktor Frankl, Alan Watts, the Dalai Lama, Ayn Rand, Richard Feynman, David Foster Wallace, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Camille Paglia, Maya Angelou, Stephen Hawking—the list is endless, just as their options would be.Don’t limit yourself. There are many wise sages out there—all with different takes on the same essential truths. You can benefit from learning and listening to all of them, even if only your disagreements with some of their teachings serve to clarify what you do believe.There’s a wide world of knowledge out there. Quote it and consume it all.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

24 Jan 20193min

Perhaps you remember the 90s hit by the band The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, “The Impression That I Get.” You know, the ‘neeeeevvvvvvveeeerrrrrr had to knock on wood’ song? If you haven’t listened to it in a while, you should, because it holds up surprisingly well.Anyway, there are a couple of lines at the beginning of the third verse that go like this:I'm not a coward, I've just never been testedI'd like to think that if I was I would passIt’s as if Dicky Barrett, the Bosstones’ lead singer and songwriter, was writing straight from the lessons of the Stoics, because it aligns perfectly with one of Seneca’s most beautiful observations. "I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune,” he writes of everyone who has lived a soft or sheltered life. “You have passed through life without an opponent—no one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you."Not even you.That’s the question the song is about. That’s the angst it is trying to express. Yes, it’s great to live in a time of peace. Yes, it’s good to be well-off or successful in your career. Yes, it’s wonderful if everything always goes your way. But with this good fortune also comes a nagging doubt, an insecurity and a dissatisfaction. Because deep down, you know it can’t continue like this forever. You know that everything good comes to an end. And what then? How will you handle it? Can you handle it?The lessons from this are two-fold. One, if you are going through something tough, well...keep going. And appreciate what you are learning, both about the world and about yourself. It’s a test, keep doing your best and you’ll pass. Two, if you haven’t experienced that kind of deep adversity, know that you are depriving yourself of something essential and meaningful. So start putting yourself out there. Take more risks. Get your hands dirty. Find something that you can struggle with.Rise to the challenge. Put the doubts to rest. You’ll be better for it.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

23 Jan 20192min

Ok, so it’s worth saying bluntly to any of the nice people out there who might believe in it: The Law of Attraction is complete horseshit. If you need proof, here’s a funny example: In 2015, the author of The Secret had to reduce the price of her home in Santa Barbara some $4.7M—more than 20%—after it had languished on the market without selling. Of course, if she had been following the advice in her book she would have just thought good thoughts about it selling for list price (or better, written herself a check for the amount in advance) and the universe would have taken care of the rest.We all know that’s not how things work. There’s no science that says your thoughts can will reality into behaving how you like or that thinking negative thoughts will invite negative outcomes—in fact, literally all of science contradicts this. Anyone that tells people differently is conning them. BUT…That is not to say that our thoughts aren’t extremely powerful and that they don’t shape our lives. As Marcus Aurelius wrote:“Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the human spirit is colored by such impressions.”  Unlike a con woman like Rhonda Byrnes, Marcus and the Stoics would never say that your thoughts attract the reality you want (or don’t want), but they would say that our thoughts determine the character of the reality we live in. If you see the awfulness in everything, your life will feel awful—even if you are surrounded by wealth and success. If you have a growth mindset, you won’t be easily discouraged when you fail. If you find something to be grateful for in every situation, you will feel blessed and happy where others feel aggrieved or deprived. That’s the idea. No, it won’t magically give you more. It won’t magically sell your house or make you famous. But it will help you appreciate your life and help you endure adversity that others can’t handle. The best part is that it’s not a secret either. It’s just common sense. So let’s practice it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

22 Jan 20193min

Let us stipulate first that Serena Williams is an extremely talented tennis player and an honest and ethical person. Let us also stipulate that she has been unfairly treated by chair and line umpires, not just when she was an up-and-comer, but also, and inexplicably, now that she is one of the greatest players in the game. And yet, even stipulating all this—as well as recognition of the fact that the passion which drives athletes is a potent force that amateurs and spectators can never fully appreciate—her controversial behavior at the U.S. Open earlier provides an interesting lesson to chew on. There’s no need to repeat what’s been extensively reported elsewhere, so we can just summarize: Serena Williams was having a tough match in the U.S. Open finals with Naomi Osaka. She disputed a coaching call with the chair umpire (believing that she was not being illegally coached from the stands and that a warning should have been issued first if she had been). Upset over this call, which implied she was a cheater, Serena ended up smashing her racket in frustration over another call a few games later. Not tolerating the jabs at her character, she continued to jaw at the referee, accusing him of stealing a point from her and demanding an apology. She lost her composure...and also ended up losing the match. Again, while none of this is particularly Stoic, it is completely understandable. What was less understandable, from a Stoic perspective, was the argument made by supporters and Serena herself explaining the events that had just transpired on the court. Their point was that male tennis players regularly get away with similar behavior (some data on this here) so therefore an injustice had been committed in Serena not being able to release her frustrations as well. Some even considered her a hero in this drama for asserting herself with the chair umpire, and then with the WTA during the press conference, like the bad boys of tennis used to. But to ask whether Serena’s gender affected her treatment is, from a Stoic perspective, to ask the wrong question. As Martina Navratilova wrote in a New York Times op-ed, It’s difficult to know, and debatable, whether Ms. Williams could have gotten away with calling the umpire a thief if she were a male player. But to focus on that, I think, is missing the point. If, in fact, the guys are treated with a different measuring stick for the same transgressions, this needs to be thoroughly examined and must be fixed. But we cannot measure ourselves by what we think we should also be able to get away with. In fact, this is the sort of behavior that no one should be engaging in on the court. There have been many times when I was playing that I wanted to break my racket into a thousand pieces. Then I thought about the kids watching. And I grudgingly held on to that racket.Important cultural and political issues of fairness obviously matter at the larger level, particularly for activists and lawmakers. However, at the individual level, the question we always must ask of ourselves is never “is there a double standard?” but “what standard will I hold myself to?” For the same reason, as we make choices, the idea of whether something is illegal is also a poor metric. A Stoic should care only whether something is right. It might be possible, for instance, to get away with paying little to no taxes, but is it honest and fair to shirk contributing your share? It’s fairly well established that men historically have been able to get away with all sorts of bad behavior (though again the stats in tennis don’t seem to show that), but does that meaSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

21 Jan 20195min

Zigong once asked Confucius: “Is there one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one’s life?” His reply: “Is not RECIPROCITY such a word?”Thus we have, by yet another source, another formulation of the Golden Rule. Matthew 7:12, for instance, has its version: “All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the Law and the Prophets.” And Luke 6:31: “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.”The Stoics would obviously agree with this concept, though they would take it a little bit further. In fact, what we see in Marcus Aurelius over and over again is the idea that we must treat other people better than they treat us. Because they didn’t mean to do wrong, because they aren’t as informed as we are, because they have their own problems. And that we treat people well not because we ourselves would like to be treated well, but because to do anything less is a betrayal of our own values and standards. The Golden Rule is simple and all-encompassing. It should govern how we talk to people, how we run our businesses, how we raise our children, how we react in difficult situations. It’s also an impossible standard. We’re never going to fully get there. We’re human. Empathy is sometimes beyond us in the moment. Which is why we need to constantly review and reflect on our own behavior (journaling is great for this), so that we can learn from it and improve on it.If we can follow the Golden Rule and reflect honestly on our transgressions of it, we will get a little bit better at following it as we grow. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

18 Jan 20192min