Six Different Ways to Say NO

• Arguments are sometimes inevitable but we can argue best if we use “steel manning” rather than attacking a strawman. Create the best version of your opponent’s argument by breaking it down, then help them build that argument, actively arguing on your counterpart’s behalf. You will more quickly reach harmonious agreement, or at least disagree more civilly. • Use the fogging technique to manage people who are aggressive or unreasonable. By giving people a minimal, calm response that they cannot easily engage with, you defuse tension. Listen carefully for a kernel of truth, repeat the truth calmly and neutrally, but don’t add any new information and keep maintaining calm. • The Ransberger pivot is a way to “win an argument without arguing.” Listen carefully to start, look for points of commonality, and keep returning to any ways in which you and the other person are actually on the same page. • The “feel, felt, found” technique is another a simple way to mitigate conflict. Acknowledge how they feel, point to another person who has felt similarly in the past, then show what you have found works based on how this person managed the issue. • Finally, the agreement frame allows us to gracefully disagree with someone without destroying rapport. Use terms like I respect, I appreciate and I agree to signal an intention to cooperate. Agree, acknowledge their position, and acknowledge both your desired outcomes, using “and” rather than “but.” Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeoplekingShow notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#DefuseTension #Harmonious #MitigateConflict #Ransberger #DealingWithConflictAndDisagreement #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

6 Sep 202238min

• What you don’t say is also important. When you speak, remember to include pauses in the right places to convey confidence or emphasis. Give your listeners time to digest what you’ve said.• Use the Pareto principle, or the 80-20 rule, and try to make 80% of the conversation about the other person and 20% about yourself. Listen, ask questions, and pay attention rather than forcing a particular topic, being fake, trying to impress or interrupting.• Be aware of microexpressions (tiny, ultra-rapid facial expressions), especially those that don’t seem to match what is being said. Microexpressions tell the “truth” about someone’s feelings, so observing them can give you empathy and insight into how they really feel.• People feel like they “click” more often when responses are swift, so pay attention and keep things flowing and responsive. That said, it’s better to end a flagging conversation than panic too much when it goes quiet.• If you find yourself inching towards conflict, pause and ask whether the other person is speaking from a position of cognitive dissonance and, if they are, back away and try to re-establish rapport, since pushing will only invite more resistance. And, of course, be on guard against the tendency to hold incompatible or irrational views yourself!Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#CognitiveDissonance #Microexpressions #Pareto #ThePowerOfShuttingUp #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

30 Aug 202236min

• Part 1 of this book is all about the charismatic presence. How might you wish for someone to describe you, and how much does that differ from reality? And then, how do you bridge the gap between these two versions of yourself? Part 1 is more theoretical and introspective, while Part 2 is all about action. How do you actually create the type of interactions that will draw people to you, regardless of your current personality?• Unsurprisingly, it all starts with empathy. When you have empathy, you know what other people are thinking and feeling, or at least you can make a pretty darned good guess about it. And if we know what people are thinking and feeling, we can also make a darned good guess as to what they want. And that’s what will allow us to create charismatic interactions.• The first is to simply read more. This is probably the best practice you can do without having someone in front of you, because it forces you to inhabit someone else’s perspective and inner dialogue. You can see in the story that because X happened, Y and Z might happen. This seems simple, but it is not easy to practice in daily life. Having an experience filter is very similar, in that it forces you to step out of your perspective (which is necessarily limited) and really try to see someone else’s. It might sound like we are only talking about empathy here, but the truth is that empathy and charisma are extremely, extremely related. Yes, deliberately practicing theory of mind is also more in the same direction of understanding another person’s thoughts and emotions.• Finally, understanding the difference between facts and interpretation will help you know what you should respond to. Almost always, you should be trying to respond to people’s interpretation because their emotions are buried within, and that’s what will draw people to you.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#CharismaticInteractions #CharismaticPresence #Empathy #TheBedrockOfGoodCommunication #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

23 Aug 202220min

• There are many ways to assert your own boundaries and limits without encroaching on others’. Try the stuck record technique (calmly repeating your limit without budging), the “positive no” (reiterate what you are saying yes to) negative assertion or negative enquiry (accepting and enquiring about criticism). • The DESC model can help you stand up for yourself. Describe the facts of the situation, Express how you are being affected, suggest a specific Solution, then finish with a Conclusion/consequences, i.e. what will happen if the behavior is changed and what will happen if it isn’t. • Humor is useful, but it needs to be the right kind. Positive humor styles (especially affiliative humor) are better for relationships. Avoid self-enhancing, aggressive or self-defeating humor styles. • Use the platinum rule: Do unto others as they would want done to them. Listen, be empathetic and stay curious about other people’s perspectives, even and especially if they differ from yours. Ask what they want and need, and how they conceptualize of you, themselves, and the situation. • A good apology needs a few necessary elements: expression of regret, explanation of what went wrong, taking responsibility, repentance, offer for reparations, and a request for forgiveness. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeoplekingShow notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#AssertiveCommunication #AssertivenessSkill #ConorFriedershof #Communication #DaveKerpen #DESCModel #EverydayConversations #FoggingTechnique #GordonBower #JenniferAaker #Kerpen #Lewicki #ManuelJSmith #NaomiBagdonas #NonverbalCommunication #PersonalRelationships #PlatinumRule #StuckRecordTechnique #UnderstandingBasicAssertivenessTechniques #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

16 Aug 202237min

• Your voice is a powerful nonverbal communicator. Be aware of your pitch, volume, articulation and pace, and practice to ensure you’re having the effect you want.• Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio found that people make decisions not from logic but from emotion – which is what you should speak to when trying to connect meaningfully with others.• You can use open loops to create conversations that feel rich, full, and “complete.” Simply start a story and don’t finish it, so you can return later if the conversation stalls.• When speaking, you will be more engaging and captivating if your language is fresh, novel and vivid. Use metaphors to explain complex topics in simple, relatable ways. To connect to people emotionally, use compelling language and colorful imagery, and allow your enthusiasm to shine through.• Change the focus of the conversation from yourself to the other person. The goal is to connect and flow, not to compete or perform. Using the words “yes, and” borrowed from improv comedy, you keep things open-ended and dynamic. Be ready to abandon any fixed ideas of the conversation’s goal and follow what is emerging in the moment – your conversation will feel more natural, more joyful, and more connected.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#Conversation #AntonioDamasio #SocialInteractions #SuccessfulConversations #WatchWhatYouSay… #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

9 Aug 202232min

• We can condense the four theories of charisma into 5 distinct charismatic traits: likeability and warmth; power and influence; emotional intelligence; presence, awareness and self-control; and social intelligence and leadership. If we can consistently hit these five notes in our social interactions, we cannot help but boost our “charisma quotient.”• To be impactful, charisma has to be genuine to us. We need to take responsibility for honestly appraising our skills and taking concrete action to improve in real life. Whether we are extroverted or introverted, there is a unique charisma style that will work for us.• Real life celebrities and historical figures can serve as examples and inspiration. Both Will Smith and Marilyn Monroe show how you can tick all 5 charisma boxes, but in completely different ways.• Will Smith teaches us to be prepared, stay humble and work hard, and lead with positivity, humor, and good-naturedness. Though his social mask makes him appear easygoing and lighthearted, it conceals the effort, deliberation and hard work required to build the life and image you want.• Marilyn Monroe teaches us that charisma can also be about magnetically drawing people towards you, rather than being loud and over the top to demand attention. Marilyn shows us the power of appearance, and how to craft a performing person down to the finest detail. She also shows us indirectly that perfection is not required, and that if you can lean honestly into your own vulnerability and fragility, people may love you all the more for it.• You can design your own unique charisma formula by honestly rating how you perform in each of these five areas, and committing to taking action today to improve.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#Charisma #Charismatic #CharismaticTraits #EmotionalIntelligence #IdealPersona #IrresistiblePersona #Likeability #SocialIntelligence #5CharismaticTraits #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

2 Aug 202226min

• One useful conversational skill is chunking, where you vary the level of information you get coming back to you. This way, you can reach an agreement, acquire more and correct detail, or even persuade people to move from one plane of thought to another. Chunk up to gain a broader view everyone can agree on, and chunk down to find detail. Move from general to specific, keeping the other person’s reactions in mind. • Use clean language to discover, explore and work with people’s metaphors without “contaminating” them. Listen for metaphors used, ask questions about them and continue the conversation using the same language and imagery to show your understanding.• Use the HPM technique to always have something to say in conversations. Talk about history (a past experience) philosophy (your feelings on it) and a metaphor (describe both with a vivid metaphor). Keep is short, sweet and natural.• Use signposting and transitional words to tell your listeners where your story is going. Signal what is coming and link your ideas logically using words that guide your listener’s understanding. • Use conversational threading. Listen out for emotional hooks and pursue the conversation in that direction. Follow the most exciting or interesting leads and return to old, unexplored ones when conversation flags or ideas run out. Hear it Here - https://bit.ly/readpeoplekingShow notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#AwkwardConversations #CharlyBliss #Chunking #CleanQuestions #Conversation #DavidGrove #EffectiveConversationSkill #GeorgeAMiller #HPM #NonverbalExpression #NumberSevenPlus #SocialSkills #BetterConversationSkills #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

26 Juli 202244min

• Conversational charm is about connecting genuinely to others. First, get your ego out of the way by suspending judgment and forgetting about agreement or disagreement. Listen actively, pay full attention and avoid the temptation to connect everything they say to yourself!• Move slowly and sequentially through the three stages of rapport by making appropriate disclosures to signal trust and willingness to connect. Light disclosure can be an embarrassing tale. Medium disclosure shares your beliefs and deeper feelings. Finally, heavy disclosure is about your more serious vulnerabilities. Don’t be a closed book, but be selective about who you open up to.• Use connection stories to tell people about who you are – instead of dry facts, share anecdotes that sincerely convey your values as a person.• You can come across as more charismatic if you show you’re paying attention by labeling the other person’s experience or emotions. Use “it seems like” or “it sounds like” to paraphrase and demonstrate your empathic understanding.• Finally, don’t be boring! Boring traits are those that downplay fun. In conversations, be relaxed, playful, open and warm, and forego needing to be right or appear smart.Show notes and/or episode transcripts are available at https://bit.ly/social-skills-shownotesLearn more or get a free mini-book on conversation tactics at https://bit.ly/pkconsulting#AnnetteSimmons #Conversations #Dreeke #EffectiveConversations #HowardGardner #PositiveEmotion #Rapport #RobertCialdini #RobinDreeke #Tilburg #ToxicRelationship #ConnectingBeneathTheSurface #RussellNewton #NewtonMG #PatrickKing #PatrickKingConsulting #SocialSkillsCoaching #ImproveYourPeopleSkills

19 Juli 202235min