Ep. 156 - Parenting Pathologically Demand Avoidant Twins: Socialization, Equalizing, and Radical Acceptance

In this episode, I coach Pam, a mom from Vancouver Island, British Columbia, who has 10-year-old fraternal twin boys — both PDA and autistic, one also with ADHD — plus a younger neurotypical child. Pam's family has been working within the PDA framework for four to five years, recently moved to access a better school, and has found meaningful stability — but Pam is wrestling with a question that so many parents in this community know well: what does socialization look like for a PDA child, and how do I help my son build connections outside the house when his nervous system makes it so hard?

We dig into the differences between her two boys — one who masks well and is more capable socially but has recently been struggling more, and one who visibly wants connection but whose nervous system seems to disable him from accessing it. We talk about the role of the twin dynamic in cumulative nervous system activation, what it looks like to use equality accommodations intentionally — including what I call "therapeutic equalizing" — and why Pam might consider deconstructing what social connection can look like for each boy individually.

We also spend real time on the harder, more personal territory: the razor's edge between radical acceptance and belief in growth, sitting with the pain of watching your kids struggle, what it means to track the right indicators of progress (nervous system activation, access to basic needs, connection with safe people), and the grief that comes with having to let go of the life and identity you thought you'd have. Pam is thoughtful, honest, and deeply self-aware — and this conversation is one I think a lot of families will recognize themselves in.

Key Takeaways

The Twin Dynamic and Cumulative Activation | 00:08:00 Pam describes how her boys go to school on opposite days because they can't both be there at the same time — and how the twin dynamic itself creates a source of cumulative nervous system activation. When one twin is more dominant, the other may move into freeze or shutdown rather than fight or flight, still accumulating stress even without visible behavioral signs.

Deconstruct What Socialization Looks Like | 00:24:27 I suggest separating expectations for each twin individually. For Desmond, I raise the idea of thinking about socializing one or two steps below the cultural ideal — parallel play, connections through special interests, virtual parallel play, connections with animals, and strengthening family relationships — rather than holding the goal of reciprocal friendships as the primary measure.

"Therapeutic Equalizing" as a Starting Point | 00:30:12 I describe what I would want for Desmond if I had a "magic wand": an hour or two each day with someone who would follow his lead, allow him to correct and criticize during play, and respond with self-deprecating humor, silliness, and total acceptance — what I call therapeutic equalizing. I note this often has to start with the parent, and that it's hard and painful.

Tracking the Right Indicators of Progress | 00:36:30 Rather than measuring progress by academic success or friend count, I walk through the three indicators I use: nervous system activation, access to basic needs, and connection and engagement with safe people. I explain that as new demands are added back in — like a school or a move — some indicators may slow without meaning the child is going backward overall.

Radical Acceptance Doesn't Mean Accepting the Future | 00:39:46 I share two things that help me with radical acceptance: remembering it only applies to the present moment (not the future, which is still at play), and distinguishing between the pain itself and the story we layer on top of it. Pam and I also talk about the grief that comes from losing a former identity and what it means to find meaning within the constraints of this life.

Relevant Resources

Tracking Progress — Learn how to measure progress in a PDA child's nervous system.

Finding Meaning — For parents navigating grief and identity loss alongside PDA.

What Is PDA — A foundational overview of PDA as a nervous system disability.