Gangbang the Mailbag 39 with Bex Caputo and Kevin Patterson

Communication. It doesn't need to be said, yet as it's the answer to so many questions we get asked, it really can't be overstated. One of the most important parts of communication when it comes to sexy time, is learning to ask for what you want, so we discuss that in today's episode of Life on the Swingset, along with Dr. Liz Powell, Mike Joseph, Cooper, and Dylan. Today's episode of Life on the Swingset is sponsored by Better Than the Hand, a website that aims to deconstruct stigma and toxicity surrounding male sexuality and masturbation through articles, blogs, toy reviews, and an online store. We're also sponsored by Castle Megastore, a one stop shop with everything you could want, from wand vibrators, to harnesses, to lube and condoms, to a complete suite of BDSM equipment including sex furniture. If you use the promo code SWINGSET at check out you can save 20% on your order. Dr. Liz starts out stating that there's an assumption of wanting to respect what we think someone else wants, and that we make the assumption that "asking for what I want may negatively affect their experience". Cooper asks if Dylan has this problem because he's trying not to be selfish, Dylan suspects that's the case. Mike Joseph mentions that homosexual sex (especially the top vs. bottom negotiation) by default has more communication than heterosexual sex. Dr. Liz comments that women that have sex with women also have a ton more conversations, and that people who consider themselves sex geeks or sex educators really bump up the level of conversation and negotiation that goes into sex. "If you don't ask for what you want, you're not going to have that next level sex you've been dreaming of." "Just like you need to be gracious in saying yes, you should try to be gracious in your no's as well." - Dylan "I think a lot of those shitty no's are coming from people shame as well. The reason you give a really shitty no and react with disgust is this kind of, performative goodness. If what they want is bad, then the best way to separate yourself from it is to perform how offended you are by it." - Dr. Liz "HOW DARE YOU." "Everything changed when I started asking for what I wanted, It as just as likely to be a result of you not asking for what you want than the party not giving you what you want." - Cooper While Dylan explains how sometimes, when about to play with someone who has a large tool kit / is well skilled at communication, he likes to get an initial yes to exploration and chart the path forward in the moment, listening to non-language verbal cues, and body response. Mike Joseph mentions that it sounds like a recipe for uncertainty and anxiety, so Dylan talks his way through a play session with someone that's willing an open. Mike discovers that being inside someone often elicits all sorts of non-verbal responses. *grin* Cooper mentions that sometimes, in the run up to a party or play session, it's easy to fire away a thought via instant messenger and walk away, it makes it easy to ask for something without necessarily needing feedback right away. Dr. Liz mentions the mildest and wildest activity that many people use at the beginning of play parties and Dylan mentions that even though he uses it, tt never quite "feels" right. "The way I've always seen that exercise (mildest and wildest) is that it tells you where the buffet starts and ends. It doesn't guarantee that you'll be able to get any specific dish on the buffet." - Dr. Liz Dr. Liz also mentions that the mildest and wildest activity helps her check-in with herself, and that it's a way of conveying a range of options, not necessarily a set destination, describing it as the beginning and the end of a buffet. The conversation moves to being awkward about starting conversation. Dr. Liz mentions she has a formula. "What I tell people is one of the most effective ways to start a conversation, is by sharing something you're feeling about having that conversation. You're leading with your softness instead of leading with your hardness." - Dr. Liz You can also find the John Oliver "This Week Tonight" video about Third Parties here: Leave us a review and a five star rating on iTunes! Leave us a review and a five star rating on Stitcher! Subscribe to us on Youtube! Android Users: Download and review our Android App! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerNTheProf. You can Cooper's novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%! Today's podcast featured music by: Intro Music: Grant - Wake Up (feat. Jessi Mason) Outtakes Music: Slips & Slurs x Mikha! - WiFi Tears Outro Music: Koven - Telling Me End of Episode Outtakes: Koven - Breathing Me Politics Music (At the very end): Muzzy & Droptek - Warhead Cooper S Beckett Dylan Thomas Dr. Liz Powell Mike Joseph

19 Marras 20161h 19min

So, we apparently decided it was a good idea to podcast the night after election day. In Mexico. We were wrong. We've posted a three minute rain delay episode as it is actually raining outside (instead of last year). We'll be back next week. Thanks folks, and if you need someone who needs this... please pass it along. Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255 Crisis Text Line: 741741 Trans Hotline: 877-565-8860 LGBTQ+ Hotline: 866-488-7386

9 Marras 20163min

It's no secret that in the pantheon of the LGBT spectrum, bisexual people are looked down upon, told they don't really exist, avoided in dating life. Bisexuals also often feel less pressure to come out, as they can so easily pass as one side or the other. Paradoxically, this leads to bi invisibility and erasure, so we discuss, and make an attempt to deconstruct this in today's episode of Life on the Swingset, along with Dr. Liz Powell, Mike Joseph, Cooper, and Dylan. Today's episode of Life on the Swingset is sponsored by Better Than the Hand, a website that aims to deconstruct stigma and toxicity surrounding male sexuality and masturbation through articles, blogs, toy reviews, and an online store. We're also sponsored by Castle Megastore, a one stop shop with everything you could want, from wand vibrators, to harnesses, to lube and condoms, to a complete suite of BDSM equipment including sex furniture. If you use the promo code SWINGSET at check out you can save 20% on your order.   National Coming Out Day was a pretty big deal for Cooper this year. He discussed his reasons as coming out, specifically to his conservative family, as someone who has struggled with his sexuality and is still working through it, and why he chose not to identify to them as queer, even though he specifically identifies with queer. The conversation moves to reasons why not to come out, whether because livelyhood may be jeopardized (as in Dr. Liz's relaying of her experience of being in the army before Don't Ask Don't Tell was fully repealed), or child custody may be revoked, or any other reason to stay in the closet. Mike posits that many people aren't all open to themselves (as with straight identified men who still seek men), and mentions that even being the out partner in a gay couple has stress that comes with it. The panel talks specifically about ways that people specifically disappear bisexuality, telling men who identify as bi that they are gay and they haven't admitted it yet (bi now, gay later), or that bisexual people, because so much effort has been exerted to create the separate gay identity that having a bridge between those identities, muddy the waters. To Dr. Liz, the conflict presents differently as women, that there's a "penis phobia" that can exist so that bi women who have sex with men are tagged as higher risk because there is less transmission risk between women who only have sex with women. Dr. Liz also takes time to lament the fact that before she got her "super stereotypical queer haircut" everyone assumed she was straight, but now that she has it, everyone assumes she's gay! Mike brings up that at many events he attends, almost every woman identifies as bisexual even though most men identify as straight, even if they later identify as curious or fluid, and that it may be a holdover from the aids crisis in that if you identified as bi or gay you were automatically more likely to get infected. Dr. Liz adds that there's a challenge to masculinity involved, and that men who identify as straight but still fuck men create a safe space to sexually express themselves without the stigma of challenging that masculinity, and that any question as to why that man may marry a woman even if he fucks men doesn't get asked. Dylan brings up that many bi woman in monogamous relationships get the same challenge, and they get questions as to why they "even bother" identifying as bisexual if they're marrying a man, because they'll never get to do anything about their attraction to women. Dr. Liz mentions that bisexuals get misidentified sexually based on the genitals they're interacting with as opposed to their actual preferences. Dylan asks about the pansexual label, and whether people identifying as pansexual get to skip some of the bisexual stigma or confusion... but gets that thought dismissed as most people outside of the queer community would just not understand what it is. He follows up with a questions about whether bisexual men are seen as, as dangerous as bisexual women are to "the husbands" of straight women in monogamous relationships and... yes. Mike, as a queer man, has had his male friends told by their female partners not to hang out with them or has had his male friends' sexuality questions because of their desire to be friends with him. Cooper mentions that whenever you present an alternative to traditional heteronormative nonmonogamy to people who actively try not to look into and not think about it, that anyone with predispositions to something other than traditional heteronormative may show interest and that's dangerous. Dylan compares it to Doctor Who weeping angels and... pretty much stuns everyone into silence, and into a little bit of weeping. After a break, Dr. Liz discusses ideas to help with bi erasure, whether thinking about the bi celebrities you know (and with say, Anna Paquin being bi but being identified as straight because she's married to a man), and that when you meet someone you really only have one datapoint, and to stay open. We talk about attraction, and how you don't necessarily need to identify the way your attraction takes you, because it's ok to explore fantasy, explore the juiciness of, and even still decide to act it out without identifying as your attraction. Fantasy doesn't have to be the same as reality. And your fantasies do not define your sexuality in practice https://t.co/y1WvtgZtx1 — Liz Powell, Psy.D (@sexpospsych) October 26, 2016 " src= "" alt="" width="20" height="20" data-wp-preserve= "%3Cscript%20async%20src%3D%22%2F%2Fplatform.twitter.com%2Fwidgets.js%22%20charset%3D%22utf-8%22%3E%3C%2Fscript%3E" data-mce-placeholder="1" />   Leave us a review and a five star rating on iTunes! Leave us a review and a five star rating on Stitcher! Subscribe to us on Youtube! Android Users: Download and review our Android App! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerNTheProf. You can Cooper's novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%!   Today's podcast featured music by: Intro Music: Tokyo Machine - FIGHT Politics Music: Muzzy & Droptek - Warhead Outro Music: Nervo - Anywhere You Go (feat. Timmy Trumpet) Outtakes Music: Slips & Slurs x Mikha! - WiFi Tears Cooper S Beckett Dylan Thomas Dr. Liz Powell

30 Loka 20161h 9min

Hello Listeners. Today, we present you one of the most horrifying things we can think of... a vintage episode of Life on the Swingset, remastered, for our modern age. In Episode 30 aka: Season 2 of Life on the Swingset, Ginger, Cooper, Shira, and Dylan talk about masturbation, which Woody Allen called "sex with someone I love," and talk about why, in swinging and non-monogamy, we have all the opportunity in the world for sex and we still continue to jack off and jill off (is that a thing?) We discuss discovering masturbation, techniques, toys, and why we love ourselves. Oh, and we also discussed Christine O'Donnell and poltiics. Be. Very. Afraid. Leave us a review and a five star rating on iTunes! Leave us a review and a five star rating on Stitcher! Subscribe to us on Youtube! Android Users: Download and review our Android App! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerNTheProf. You can Cooper's novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%! Today's podcast featured music by: Going Quantum & Stephen Walking - Full Grizzly Tut Tut Child - Don't Push Me ...and WARNING: POLITICS AHEAD music by: Muzzy & Droptek - Warhead Cooper S Beckett Ginger Bentham Dylan Thomas Shira B. Katz

27 Loka 20161h 7min

As couples, so often we're looking for the third. The unicorn usually. They're rare, seemingly unobtainable, but when we find them it's just so magical. Except that we're often boxing that unicorn in, that single person who now has to put up with our pre-established couples dynamic and the fact that if we ghosted it'd be as a pair. Yep, tonight we're talking about couples privilege and what that means for the third so many of us are seeking.

14 Loka 20161h 21min

We all send dirty comments, dirty pictures, full on sext-travaganzas with our partners, playmates, friends straddling the edge of naughty. Tonight we're joined by the Swinging MILF herself, Sally Swings to talk about sending each other dirty pictures and messages through sexting. Today's episode of Life on the Swingset is sponsored by Better Than the Hand, a website that aims to deconstruct stigma and toxicity surrounding male sexuality and masturbation through articles, blogs, toy reviews, and an online store. The Swingset crew starts by discussing the difference between different types of sexting, "the tease", and the "taking it to completion" type, and how sexting is often compatible with our every day busy lives because we're always on the go. Sexting gives us a charge, a kick, it's something that we bring back to our partners. Sally and Dylan commiserate over being in private photo groups when men complain how their photos only get a couple likes, while women's photos get tens or hundreds. Cooper poses the thought that unsolicited dick pics and the general dick pic "economy" gives pretty extreme incentives to women willing to share, and that because of a scarcity of that kind of photo, men swarm and ... create disincentives to sharing. Dylan discusses unsolicited dick pics as men seeking power, and as a full frontal assault on someone, while simultaneously causing men whose dick pics are refused to act aghast, as if their pics are a gift to the world and should be accepted unconditionally. Cooper decides it'd be funny to try and flood Dylan's inbox with topless photos so, in that spirit, listeners... email Dylan at dylan@lifeontheswingset.com and send him your topless pics! He consents on behalf of Dylan, Dylan indicates a measure of exasperated agreement with that given consent. R.I.P. his inbox. In episode business, Cooper has finally finished writing his second swinging novel! Dylan brings up the We-Vibe lawsuit and feels strongly about companies collecting more information than people have really volunteered to give. Ars Technica: Sex Toys and the Internet of Things Collide: What Could Go Wrong? The Guardian: Tech Company Accused of Collecting Details of How Customers Use Sex Toys Leave us a review and a five star rating on iTunes! Leave us a review and a five star rating on Stitcher! Subscribe to us on Youtube! Android Users: Download and review our Android App! We have TEN rooms left for our 2016 trip to Desire! Sign up now! November 5th through 12th, 2016! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerNTheProf. You can Cooper's novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%! Today's podcast featured music by: 7 Minutes Dead - Peacock 7 Minutes Dead - Peacock (Haywyre Remix) Cooper S Beckett Ginger Bentham Dylan Thomas

7 Loka 20161h 30min

When people consider exploring non-monogamy, we tell them to picture a pretty good but occasionally difficult relationship (ie, every relationship) and then picture it expanding exponentially because you've added more people. Eventually becoming a tesseract of interlocking and interconnected parts. Each of those parts, believe it or not, have a mind of their own. We've all been in moments where it seems insurmountable, where we acknowledge that this whole damned thing is just too hard and consider the days of monogamous yore. We discuss what pushes us to the edge, and what keeps us going, because playing with and loving others feels so fucking right. Dylan starts the discussion with a personal update; Tonia feels isolated, not having people she feels she can talk to openly even when she's surrounded by friends contributes to that feeling. It's made her consider giving up this whole non-monogamy thing and it's left Dylan feeling useless since there's not a lot that Dylan can do to directly help. Dylan's feels guilt over some recent success and he hates the feeling that he's leaving her bind. Cooper mentions that, acknowledging the negative feedback loop Tonia's in, that multiple partners bring a particular joy that we all seek, sexually and emotionally, Dylan explanabrags a bit but then admits that his #1 attraction to this lifestyle is that he no longer has to feel along, because he's part of this exclusive (but very inclusive) club. Ginger seals the point by stating that the relationship choices we make enrich our lives through the people we connect with, and that we bring that energy back to the relationships with those we've built a life with. Ginger recommends a book, Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples, by Nena O'Neill. Leave us a review and a five star rating on iTunes! Leave us a review and a five star rating on Stitcher! Subscribe to us on Youtube! Android Users: Download and review our Android App! We have TEN rooms left for our 2016 trip to Desire! Sign up now! November 5th through 12th, 2016! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerNTheProf. You can Cooper's novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%! Today's podcast featured music by: Anna Yvette & Laura Brehm - Summer Never Ends Pegboard Nerds - Try This Koven - Silence Cooper S Beckett Ginger Bentham Dylan Thomas

30 Syys 20161h 8min

It's pretty much a given that, at some point or another in swinging or polyamory, there will be boundary violations, safer sex failures, and other moments you'd talked about and thought about and made rules about. No matter how much hypothetical thought goes into it, though, often being confronted with these things in the real world can cause some serious "knocked on your ass" moments. Tonight we talk about how to process boundary violations, safer sex failures, and the importance of compassion throughout the process. Dylan relayed his recent protection failure story, consisting of a condom sliding off during sex resulting in condomless ejaculation. While the story and the people involved were incredibly sexy, the mistakes made (delaying telling a partner, processing the failure as offense, lack of perspective on the risk of playing with others) resulted in an otherwise pleasant encounter into something to suffer through. Cooper makes the point that something will happen over the course of a swinging lifetime, and that you should treat others how you'd want to be treated if you were the one who'd "screwed up" somehow, that compassion in necessary because everyone is hurting when there's no intent to harm. The group moves into discussing "odd-man out" scenarios in which (usually) the male half of a couple who ends up not playing has a choice on whether to be mopey and whiny about it, or whether to enjoy his partner's pleasure and the atmosphere, and to potentially live to play again later in the night. Dylan once again relays a story of not taking his usual care to see the "odd-man out" partner before joining his wife in a threesome, and speaks of some real regret in not doing so after seeing a well meaning person hurting. Leave us a review and a five star rating on iTunes! Leave us a review and a five star rating on Stitcher! Subscribe to us on Youtube! Android Users: Download and review our Android App! While we're on Google Play Podcasts, they don't appear to support a review option yet so... hang tight on that, and we apparently aren't on Spotify yet. Dylan spoke a little too soon. We'd sack him but we'd have to hire a hundred monkey editors to replace him and that's a lot of work but you. #grrDYLAN We have TEN rooms left for our 2016 trip to Desire! Sign up now! November 5th through 12th, 2016! Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464). Find Cooper on Twitter @CooperSBeckett, Dylan on Twitter @DylanTheThomas, and Ginger on twitter @GingerNTheProf. You can Cooper's novel about swinging, A Life Less Monogamous, at alifelessmonogamous.com or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory at mylifeontheswingset.com as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook and if you buy them from his sites, use promo code SWINGSET to save 10%! Today's podcast featured music by: Rich Edwards - For You (featuring Park Avenue) Richard Caddock, WRLD, Nitro Fun, Slips & Slurs & Subtact - Break The Silence Cooper S Beckett Ginger Bentham Dylan Thomas

23 Syys 20161h 22min