#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?

#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?

In today’s episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?

When you’re used to second-guessing yourself, it can be incredibly hard to know whether your fears and insecurities are coming from your own patterns—or from dynamics that would leave anyone feeling unsafe or unsettled.

In this episode, I explore why this question is so difficult to answer, the role of self-doubt and emotional invalidation, and how to find a more grounded, balanced perspective. I also share some clear examples of behaviours that are likely to create insecurity in any relationship, regardless of your attachment style.

We cover:

  • Why “is it me or them?” is such a common source of rumination
  • The role of self-doubt and self-invalidation in anxious attachment
  • The middle ground between dismissing your feelings and being led by them
  • Why relationship dynamics are almost always co-created
  • Examples of behaviours that are objectively difficult to build a secure relationship around
  • How inconsistency and unpredictability activate anxious attachment patterns
  • The importance of zooming out and looking at the big picture
  • When anxiety is a signal of deeper relational misalignment

Resources

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#8: Q&A: On All Things Love & Relationships

#8: Q&A: On All Things Love & Relationships

In this week's Q&A episode, we're exploring a mixed bag of love & relationship questions. Topics include how to navigate conflict with a partner who won't engage, how to manage your anxiety when physi...

5 Touko 202225min

#7: The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

#7: The Anxious-Avoidant Trap

In this episode, we're diving into the anxious-avoidant trap - aka, what happens when an anxious and an avoidant person end up in a relationship. We'll cover what the anxious-avoidant trap usually ent...

3 Touko 202219min

#6: Q&A: On Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

#6: Q&A: On Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

In this episode, I'm answering your questions around how to navigate relationships with avoidant partners. We're covering topics like how to effectively communicate with an avoidant partner, whether a...

29 Huhti 202217min

#5: 5 Traits of the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

#5: 5 Traits of the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

In this episode, we're exploring 5 traits of the lesser-known fearful avoidant (or disorganised) attachment style. We'll cover the fearful avoidant's conflict between wanting intimacy but also fearing...

29 Huhti 202219min

#4: 5 Traits of the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

#4: 5 Traits of the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

In this episode, we're unpacking 5 traits of the dismissive-avoidant attachment style.  We'll cover the dismissive-avoidant's fierce independence, their struggles with intimacy & commitment, their hig...

26 Huhti 202218min

#3: Q&A: On Dating & Anxious Attachment

#3: Q&A: On Dating & Anxious Attachment

In this Q&A style episode, we're diving into questions from the audience around dating - and particularly, dating as an anxiously attached person. Some of the topics covered include how to regulate an...

22 Huhti 202219min

#1: 5 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style

#1: 5 Traits of the Anxious Attachment Style

In this episode, we're unpacking 5 key traits of the anxious attachment style - particularly in the context of adult romantic relationships. We'll talk about the anxious person's high need for love an...

21 Huhti 202221min

#2: 5 Things You Need to Know About Attachment Styles

#2: 5 Things You Need to Know About Attachment Styles

Most of us have heard about attachment styles and attachment theory - but in this episode, I'm breaking down some common misconceptions and clarifications. Join me as we discuss things like whether at...

21 Huhti 202216min

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