#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?

#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?

In today’s episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?

When you’re used to second-guessing yourself, it can be incredibly hard to know whether your fears and insecurities are coming from your own patterns—or from dynamics that would leave anyone feeling unsafe or unsettled.

In this episode, I explore why this question is so difficult to answer, the role of self-doubt and emotional invalidation, and how to find a more grounded, balanced perspective. I also share some clear examples of behaviours that are likely to create insecurity in any relationship, regardless of your attachment style.

We cover:

  • Why “is it me or them?” is such a common source of rumination
  • The role of self-doubt and self-invalidation in anxious attachment
  • The middle ground between dismissing your feelings and being led by them
  • Why relationship dynamics are almost always co-created
  • Examples of behaviours that are objectively difficult to build a secure relationship around
  • How inconsistency and unpredictability activate anxious attachment patterns
  • The importance of zooming out and looking at the big picture
  • When anxiety is a signal of deeper relational misalignment

Resources

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#216: My Story of Healing Anxious Attachment

#216: My Story of Healing Anxious Attachment

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25 Marras 202537min

#215: Resentment, Real Repair, Conflict Avoidance & Navigating Dating With Kids — ft. James ‘Fish’ Gill

#215: Resentment, Real Repair, Conflict Avoidance & Navigating Dating With Kids — ft. James ‘Fish’ Gill

In today’s episode, I’m joined by my friend James “Fish” Gill for a listener Q&A all about conflict, communication, and staying connected through hard moments.We explore some big questions, including:...

20 Marras 20251h 10min

#214: Parenting Q&A: Fears About Having Kids, Staying Connected After a Baby, Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics & More

#214: Parenting Q&A: Fears About Having Kids, Staying Connected After a Baby, Anxious-Avoidant Dynamics & More

In this special episode of On Attachment, I sit down with my partner Joel to answer your questions about our journey into parenthood with our now 18 month old son. We explore the transition to parenti...

11 Marras 202523min

#213: How to Care Less About Others' Opinions & Trust Yourself More

#213: How to Care Less About Others' Opinions & Trust Yourself More

So many of us spend our lives orienting around what other people think of us — seeking approval, avoiding disapproval, and constantly scanning for reassurance that we’re doing, saying, and being the “...

4 Marras 202517min

#212: How & When to Start Dating Again After a Break-up

#212: How & When to Start Dating Again After a Break-up

One of the most common questions after a break-up is: when will I be ready to start dating again? Sadly, there’s no hard and fast rule, no magic timeline, and no moment where you’ll suddenly feel 100%...

28 Loka 202520min

#211: The Hard Truth About Closure After a Break-up

#211: The Hard Truth About Closure After a Break-up

When a relationship ends, it’s natural to crave closure. We want answers, explanations, or one last conversation that will tie everything up neatly and help us move on. But the reality is, closure rar...

21 Loka 202517min

#210: Can You Heal in a Relationship That Constantly Triggers You?

#210: Can You Heal in a Relationship That Constantly Triggers You?

So often, we’re drawn to the work of healing our relational wounds because of challenges in our relationship. A partner’s behaviour, or the dynamic between us, shines a light on our pain points and sh...

14 Loka 202519min

#209: 5 Green Flags in Early Dating

#209: 5 Green Flags in Early Dating

When you’re anxiously attached, it’s easy to fixate on red flags and warning signs — scanning for danger in the early stages of dating. But if you’re always looking for what’s wrong, you might miss th...

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