#34 Teaching Kids Self-Trust in a Manipulative World | With Dr Naaila Chagani

In this episode, Eli sits down with Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani), a child development specialist with a PhD from Tufts University, to explore the concept of "heart safety" — teaching children that their inner emotional world belongs to them and cannot be rearranged by someone else.

Drawing from both personal lived experience as a bonus mom and rigorous research, Dr. Naaila shares a compassionate, nuanced framework for helping kids recognize emotionally manipulative behaviors, trust their own instincts, and stay safe — without having to sever love from protection.

Key Takeaways

• Heart safety is as important as body safety. Just as we teach kids "your body belongs to you," we need to teach them their inner world — feelings, perceptions, sense of self — belongs to them too.
• Manipulation exists on a spectrum. From a tired parent saying "you're fine" to genuinely harmful conditional love — many behaviors, unintentionally or not, ask a child to ignore what they feel.
• Fear and discernment are opposites. A frightened child freezes or fawns. A discerning child notices something feels off and trusts that noticing. That trust is the goal.
• Children turn confusion inward as self-blame. When something feels off but no one names it, kids often conclude they did something wrong — a wound that follows them into adulthood.
• The DARVO pattern (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender) is used by highly manipulative people, and it's important for kids to know they may not always be safe to speak up directly.
• Don't label the other parent — name the behavior's impact. Help children notice what doesn't feel good without putting the burden of intent analysis on them.
• The loyalty bind is real. Children in high-conflict co-parenting situations often gravitate toward the more manipulative parent to stay safe — making unconditional love from the safe parent even more essential.
• Start young. You can begin conversations about emotions, what feels good and what doesn't, as early as 18 months to 2 years old.
• Kids are allowed to say whatever keeps them safe in the moment. They can debrief and process with a safe adult after.

About the Guest

Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) is an applied developmental scientist with a Ph.D. in Child Study and Human Development from Tufts University. She specializes in the role adults play in positive youth development and helps parents navigate high-conflict and toxic co-parenting situations. She is also a bonus mom, and her personal experience navigating a manipulative co-parenting dynamic is the foundation of her work.

• 🌐 Website: parenting-mindfully.com
• 📘 Book: Seeds of Self-Trust — 25 read-aloud stories for ages 4–8 (also deeply resonant for adults)
• 📺 YouTube: Parenting Mindfully with Dr. Naaila Hudani
• 📸 Instagram: @drnaaila_parentingmindfully

Resources Mentioned

• 📗 Seeds of Self-Trust by Dr. Naaila Chagani (Hudani) — seedsofselftrust.com — 25 read-aloud stories for children ages 4–8 on recognizing emotionally manipulative dynamics
• 🏫 Making Caring Common — Dr. Rick Weissbourd's project at the Harvard Graduate School of Education on raising empathetic, ethical children — mcc.gse.harvard.edu
• 👤 Dr. Richard Weissbourd — Senior Lecturer & Faculty Director, Making Caring Common, Harvard GSE — Faculty Profile
• 📕 Street Smarts: Trust Your Instincts, Outsmart Danger, and Stay Safe in a World That Isn't by Dannah Eve — includes the "Lie to Survive" framework — Amazon
• 🔐 Secure Parenting Program by Eli — attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program
• 📖 The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz — Referenced in conversation ("Don't take it personally") — Amazon

Connect with Eli

• 🌐 Website: attachmentnerd.com
• 📸 Instagram: @attachmentnerd
• 🎵 TikTok: @attachmentnerd

Learn more about secure parenting: https://www.attachmentnerd.com/secure-parenting-program

Connect with Eli:

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