How Do You Forgive Yourself for What You Did Using and Drinking?

Shame about your past doesn't keep you sober — research says it predicts relapse instead.

If you've struggled with addiction or alcoholism, you've probably done things you're not proud of. Drove drunk. Stole from family. Said things to a partner you can't take back. In active addiction I pawned priceless family jewelry for cocaine and stole from my own sister. The question isn't whether it happened. It's what you do with it now.

In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about forgiving yourself — and why that's a completely different thing from letting yourself off the hook.

In this episode:

• Guilt vs. shame: "I did a bad thing" vs. "I am bad" — and why only one gives you something to fix
• A University of British Columbia study of 105 newly sober people: the shame they showed in their body language predicted relapse and how heavy it was, while the shame they reported didn't
• The three ways people respond to their past — self-condemnation, pseudo self-forgiveness ("it wasn't that bad"), and genuine self-forgiveness — and why only one works
• Amends, living amends, and how 12-step work (steps five and nine) clears the wreckage of the past
• Why self-forgiveness is a process, not a breakthrough day

Try this:

• Catch a shame sentence ("I'm a terrible father") and rewrite it as a guilt sentence ("I missed his games for two years")
• The four-line write-up: what I did / who it affected / the value I broke / what I'm doing now that honors that value
• A living amends list for the amends you can't make directly
• The sponsor test: if a newcomer told you your exact story, what would you say to them? Say that to yourself.

You don't have to forget what you did. Own it, repair what you can, and stop paying a debt you've already started paying back.

This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to someone.

Research mentioned:

• Randles & Tracy (2013), Nonverbal Displays of Shame Predict Relapse and Declining Health in Recovering Alcoholics — Clinical Psychological Science: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/journals/clinical/2167702612470645/
• Woodyatt & Wenzel — self-condemnation, pseudo self-forgiveness and genuine self-forgiveness (overview): https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/self-forgiveness-what-it-is-why-it-matters-and-how-it-can-be-addressed
• Wenzel, Woodyatt & Hedrick (2012), No genuine self-forgiveness without accepting responsibility — European Journal of Social Psychology, DOI: 10.1002/ejsp.1873
• June Tangney — guilt vs. shame research, popularized by Brené Brown

Need support in Ontario? ConnexOntario — 1-866-531-2600, or text CONNEX to 247247 (free, 24/7). Thinking about suicide? Call or text 9-8-8 (Canada).

Content note: discussion of drunk driving, violence, theft, overdose deaths and grief. Strong language.

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