Birth Mother Matters in Adoption 17: A Little Self-Esteem Can Go A Long Way

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Podcast, Season 2, Episode 129: Understanding Desperation in Adoption Some Birth Mothers come into an adoption agency because they are pregnant, and many women have reached a point of desperation due to situations such as: Being Homeless; scared to remain on the street due to being pregnant, and they are hungry and cold/hotThe pregnancy may be the result of an act of prostitution/solicitation or they may be a victim of abuse.Feeling trapped in a domestically violent relationship and wanting to make sure that they don’t bring a baby into their turbulent world.Pregnant as a result of an affair and they don’t want their significant other to find out (he may be incarcerated) or together they may not want to raise the baby together since the baby was conceived in an affair.Divorcing their spouse and they do not want to raise a baby under these circumstances.Finding out that they are pregnant and choose not to have an abortion and/or they find out too late in their pregnancy.  Maybe they don’t believe in abortion or cannot afford it? Learn more about desperation and how it can manifest and affect adoption by tuning in!

1 Joulu 202019min

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Season 2, 128: Birth Mother Support Birth Mothers need and want your support as an adoptive family.  Here are some ways you can effectively show your support. (Always make sure these ideas and suggestions are in compliance with your state adoption laws, your attorney and/ or agency adoption laws.) Send support notes to your birth mother that are handwritten that she can save forever.  A small note can carry a big message.  Make sure that you understand what is appropriate to include and avoid anything that could be deemed as “coercion.”If a holiday occurs during the time you are matched, make sure you find out what your adoption entity allows and partake in any event or gift they suggest.  Focusing on the birth mother rather than on the baby she is carrying.If your adoption agency or attorney informs you of an unexpected situation and you are given the option of additionally funding for your birth mother, maybe for a type of housing, an unforeseen expense or someone of that nature- give serious consideration to doing so if financially you are able to.Really consider compromising on the baby’s name.  This will be a HUGE concession with a birth mother.  We have discussed the importance of this before and I cannot reiterate this enough- this has caused adoption disruptions, negatively impacted adoptive and birth parent relationships after placement.When arriving at the hospital- don’t arrive empty handed.  A basket of hospital necessities for your birth mother may be very well received and appreciated.  Your birth mother will not leave empty handed and she will most likely use and enjoy the following items: Fuzzy socksLotionMints or candyA hair brush and hair ties

25 Marras 202018min

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Season 2, 127: Why Holidays Can Be Hard Holidays can be tough on people regardless of whether or nor they have an adoption plan.  Sometimes both Adoptive Families and Birth Parents have a difficult time.  Christmas is considered by many to be the  “most wonderful time of the year,” but often it is just magnifying the trying times you may be experiencing .  The holidays  can magnify senses of loss and grief.   Memories of past holidays both good and bad can trigger various emotions and can be painful reminders of loss. Birth Mothers 1. A reminder of the “Hallmark” Christmas cards, the perfect family, the perfect children and the perfect holiday. 2. Feeling alone when others are celebrating. 3. Childhood memories. Adoptive Families If just beginning the adoption process the holidays can be a reminder that parethood hasnt happened yet.If in an adoption program but not matched, the holidays may increase anxiety about the wait to parenthood.If matched with a birth mother and waiting for the baby to be born, the focus of the holidays may not be on the forefront.

20 Marras 202017min

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Season 2, 126: What Happens When a Family Walks Away Sometimes an adoptive family is matched with a birth mother and changes their mind and walks away either after being matched or after the baby is born.  This podcast will dive into the reasons as to why adoptive families would pour time, resources and emotions into an adoptive match and then walks away from the birth mother and the baby they planned on adopting.  Why? How often does this happen? What happens next? Listen to this podcast and find out more!

17 Marras 202020min

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Season 2, 125: Covid-19 & Adoption Updates Updates on Covid-19 as they impact and affect birth mothers/birth fathers and adoptive families. What we as an adoption agency are doing: Masks are mandatoryTemperature checksFollowing all social distancing guidelinesMedical grade air purifiersAcrylic ShieldsHandwashing / Hand Sanitizer are available and advisedOffices are professionally cleaned & sanitizedIn Maricopa County, some hospitals have eased up on their protocols regarding visitors and support people during labor and delivery.  However,  with rising Covid-19 numbers, we are seeing a little more restriction.We cannot always allow visits after babies get discharged from the hospitals at this time if their health is compromised or they have been in the ICU or the pediatrician has concerns.

14 Marras 202019min

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Season 2, 124: Is Adoption a Taboo Subject? Definition of taboo according to the Merriam-webster.com/dictionary  a: a prohibition imposed by social custom or as a protective measure… b: something that is not acceptable to say, mention, or do : something that is taboo… As part of the adoption community, it is our responsibility to increase adoption awareness, promote adoption education and dispel myths.  Facts are what will set adoption from being considered taboo.  Reasons why society may have considered adoption a taboo subject: Perceptions / Myths / Half-Truths If a couple cannot biologically conceive a child, adoption may be considered a default choice.Adoptive parents may feel pressured to be the “perfect parents.”Adoptees are often told that they are “lucky” to be adopted.Concerns regarding an open adoption.To adoptees, sometimes being adopted means being different.Birth parents may feel pressured to parent rather than to place their child for adoption.Classifying an adoptee into a category separating him/her from their peers.Topic of Post adoption communication.Drug use during a birth mother’s pregnancy.A birth mother’s mental health.The adoptive preferences that both the birth parents and adoptive parents have during their match process.Word choices people use: An adoptee’s “real parents”"Give up" baby for adoption

10 Marras 202026min

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Season 2, Podcast 123: Factors Contributing to Successful Adoptions Many adoptive families inquiring about adoption what they could have done to increase their chances of their adoption being a success.  We have spoken in previous podcasts about why adoptions sometimes fail due to the birth mother or birth parents.  So that begs the question; can adoptive families do anything to improve or increase the chances?  YES.  Also, sometimes it is the adoptive family that changes their mind about adoptive the baby from their matched birth mother. Adoptive Families have a bigger influence over their adoption success than they may realize.  There are things you as an adoptive family can do to improve the likelihood of a successful adoption.  Here are some suggestions that may increase your chances: When you create your adoption profile book, make sure you send a copy of it to the adoption agency, even if your birth mother was presented with a pdf.  Most birth parents love to keep a copy of the adoption profile and memorize it during the course of their pregnancy.  It also gives them comfort to see photos of the adoptive family over and over again, the house the baby will live in and the people the baby will be surrounded by.If you have an open adoption and you live out of state and the birth mother is open to you traveling to see her before she delivers- DO IT! It is much easier to build a relationship over the phone and skype of facetime if you have met at in person.  Often times meeting in person will show your birth mother how much she means to you and the sacrifices and lengths you are willing to go to establish a lifelong relationship with her... There are so many suggestions, listen to the podcast and learn more ways to possibly increase your chances of a successful adoption.

6 Marras 202018min

Birth Mother Matters in Adoption Season 2, 221: Holding a Marriage Together When an Adoption or Fertility Treatment Doesnt Work Out Steps to Take to Preserve Your Marriage Factors that have a negative impact on marital success, happiness and cohesion after the unsuccessful journey to become parents: Grieving the loss of their dreams and expectations of having childrenstillborn births and miscarriages The blame gameThe relationship or spouse may be a reminder of childlessness.Tension / Anxiety / Stress / Depression / Social IsolationInsecurity of Fertility IssuesOne spouse wants to stop trying and the other spouse does not   Agree on a Plan to ParenthoodKeep your Plan to Parenthood between the two of you and agree not to consult family and friends on their thoughts or opinions.  Understand that you and your spouse may not process grief or stress in the same mannerGive grace whether or not its deserved to your spouseAgree to always communicate your feelings and emotions to each other without fear of judgementMake mutual decisions- remove the blame factorGo through the journey together, hear any news together.  If one spouse starts to struggle, be the partner you would want your spouse to be if the situation was reversed. Don’t ever use the inability to bear biological children as a weapon in an argumentRemember that this journey is leading you both to parenthood.  Your path may be longer than your neighbor’s but that only means that you will have more adventures; maybe both good and bad.

30 Loka 202034min