6: Fresh Prince of Beliar (The Ascension of Isaiah)
Apocrypals27 Touko 2018

6: Fresh Prince of Beliar (The Ascension of Isaiah)

"And Isaiah answered and said 'So far as I have utterance, damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house, for thou canst not take from me aught save the skin of my body.' And they siezed and sawed in sunder Isaiah the son of Amoz with a wooden saw." -- The Ascension of Isaiah, 5:9-11.

Here's a question for you, Theophiloi: How do you get rid of a prophet who won't stop sitting on your bed in the nude with 50 of his closest friends? The answer, at least according to this week's selection, is that you wait for him to turn into a tree that also won't stop prophesying, and then saw him in half. Join us as we read the apocryphal Ascension of Isaiah, which gets into some shockingly specific detail about what we can expect in the Gospels... mostly.

Topics of discussion: The feast of Mary, Mother of the Church, Pentecost, Shavuot, a missed installment of SatanWatch, Isaiah's constant nudity, Samael, the Venom of God, the Carnage of God, the Demiurge, Belial, demons in the air, AntichristWatch, Negaduck Jesus, Nero's popularity, Jesus's wrath against White Castles, the benefits of wooden saws, the Seven Heavens, God's password, Thrones and thrones, the Junior Woodchuck Guide for Heaven, Haguel.

Jaksot(126)

Bonus: Biblical Mini-Golf

Bonus: Biblical Mini-Golf

For the first time in ten years, Theophiloi -- and the first time ever during the lifespan of this very podcast -- Chris and Benito are in the same place, actually hanging out with each other! What be...

8 Touko 20251h 9min

117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi)

117: King Solomon's Hog (The Second Book of Chronicles, feat. Aaron Higashi)

Yes, Theophiloi, that quote at the top of the show is actually in Bible. Like, full canon Bible that you can find in the back of the pew or the hotel room drawer. I was surprised too, but you know who...

18 Helmi 20251h 51min

116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi)

116: It's His BIRTHDAY, Be Nice! (The Revelation of the Magi)

O come, all ye Theophiloi, joyful and triumphant, to the final Apocrypals episode of 2024! We two kings of podcasting are reading a story about a talking star as we dive into the Revelation of the Mag...

22 Joulu 20241h 46min

115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing)

115: Hell Is The Big Show (The Life of St. Christina the Astonishing)

CONTENT WARNING: Our discussion of St. Christina includes mention of self-harm and mental illness. It's Halloween, TheoKILLoi, and that means it's time once again for our annual tradition of Haints a...

27 Loka 20241h 39min

114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity)

114: Sin-onyms, The Devil's Argument (The Martyrdom of Perpetua and Felicity)

If you learn nothing else from our show, Theophiloi, let it be this: Never send a cow to do a leopard's job. This, for the record, is not a metaphor, it's the lesson that we learn from the passion of ...

3 Loka 20241h 45min

113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)

113: Jaoel Instant Messenger (The Apocalypse of Abraham)

Grab your turtledoves and get to stranglin', Theophiloi, because we're taking another trip to the Seventh Firmament, and this time we're bringing good ol' Father Abraham in the years before he had his...

5 Syys 20241h 50min

112: Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country

112: Approximate Week VI: The Undiscovered Country

Leave cookies and milk for the werewolves and a thorn bush on your doorstep for St. Benedict, Theophiloi, because it's Approximate Week once again! We're celebrating the eight nights between our birth...

17 Elo 20242h 37min

111: All Skips No Hits (1 Chronicles)

111: All Skips No Hits (1 Chronicles)

Open your ears to hear, Theophiloi! Your humble Sons of Thunder are back in style with a return to the show and to Canon Bible, just in time to kick off your Approximate Week celebrations! As promised...

9 Elo 20241h 28min

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