6: Fresh Prince of Beliar (The Ascension of Isaiah)
Apocrypals27 Touko 2018

6: Fresh Prince of Beliar (The Ascension of Isaiah)

"And Isaiah answered and said 'So far as I have utterance, damned and accused be thou and all thy powers and all thy house, for thou canst not take from me aught save the skin of my body.' And they siezed and sawed in sunder Isaiah the son of Amoz with a wooden saw." -- The Ascension of Isaiah, 5:9-11.

Here's a question for you, Theophiloi: How do you get rid of a prophet who won't stop sitting on your bed in the nude with 50 of his closest friends? The answer, at least according to this week's selection, is that you wait for him to turn into a tree that also won't stop prophesying, and then saw him in half. Join us as we read the apocryphal Ascension of Isaiah, which gets into some shockingly specific detail about what we can expect in the Gospels... mostly.

Topics of discussion: The feast of Mary, Mother of the Church, Pentecost, Shavuot, a missed installment of SatanWatch, Isaiah's constant nudity, Samael, the Venom of God, the Carnage of God, the Demiurge, Belial, demons in the air, AntichristWatch, Negaduck Jesus, Nero's popularity, Jesus's wrath against White Castles, the benefits of wooden saws, the Seven Heavens, God's password, Thrones and thrones, the Junior Woodchuck Guide for Heaven, Haguel.

Jaksot(126)

100: Escape From Flesh Island (The Gospel of Judas)

100: Escape From Flesh Island (The Gospel of Judas)

No man knoweth the hour or the day, Theophiloi, but our 100th episode is at hand! In celebration of our centennial, we take on one of our most requested texts: the recently discovered Gospel of Judas...

5 Maalis 20221h 43min

99: For Sale, Baby Legs, Not Attached (The First Book of Kings)

99: For Sale, Baby Legs, Not Attached (The First Book of Kings)

You've heard of Solomon, right, Theophiloi? The king so wise that he once threatened to cut a baby in half? Well, if you were looking for more examples of this famous wisdom, we have some bad news for...

30 Tammi 20221h 46min

98: You Know, the Manger? (Christmas Chick Tracts)

98: You Know, the Manger? (Christmas Chick Tracts)

We suspect, Theophiloi, that it has been as much of A Year for you as it has been for your humble Sons of Thunder, so please forgive us for skipping the lengthy and intense reading we would've done fo...

23 Joulu 20211h 27min

97: Pretty Sus, Lesbius (The Acts of Andrew)

97: Pretty Sus, Lesbius (The Acts of Andrew)

Quick, Theophiloi! Name your favorite Apostle! Okay, good, now we know who among you cannot be trusted, because anyone who said Andrew is a liar. My dude is boring as all h*ck except for the part wher...

2 Joulu 20211h 12min

96: The Goku of Judaism (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov)

96: The Goku of Judaism (Stories of the Baal Shem Tov)

Happy Halloween, FIENDS and NeighBOOs! It's the spookiest time of year, and to get in the SPIRIT, we're reading about how the Master of The Good Name and founder of Hassidic Judaism fought a werewolf ...

24 Loka 20211h 16min

95: An Abyss of Significant Depth (The Apocalypse of Paul)

95: An Abyss of Significant Depth (The Apocalypse of Paul)

I don't want to brag, Theophiloi, but I think if I was going to write a text in the style of Mr. Paul (a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an Apostle, separated unto the Gospel of God which He had...

10 Loka 20211h 40min

94: Little Martha and the Small Vandellas  (The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis)

94: Little Martha and the Small Vandellas (The Lives of St. Mary Magdalene and St. Wilgefortis)

Work with me here, Theophiloi: It sure is late July 2021, and that means it's time for us to celebrate the feast day of Jesus's Second-Favorite Mary, depending on who you ask! We're rolling through a ...

26 Syys 20211h 13min

93: Approximate Week IV: OblIVion (Joseph and Aseneth)

93: Approximate Week IV: OblIVion (Joseph and Aseneth)

Blessed are your hosts, Theophiloi! It's been a while, yes, but we're back just in time for our mutual birthday, with a look at an apocryphal text that goes from zero to complete buck wild in the span...

15 Elo 20211h 22min

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