1722 || you gotta feel it to heal it || healing the shame that binds you

As long as our shame is hidden, there is nothing we can do about it.

“The only way out is through.”

"Embracing our shame involves pain. Pain is what we try to avoid. In fact, most of our neurotic behavior is due to the avoidance of legitimate pain. We try to find an easier way. This is perfectly reasonable. In the case of shame, the more we avoid it, the worse it gets.

We cannot change our “internalized” shame until we “externalize” it.

Externalization methods include:

1. Coming out of hiding by social contact, which means honestly sharing our feelings with significant others.

2. Seeing ourselves mirrored and echoed in the eyes of at least one non-shaming person. Reestablishing an “interpersonal bridge.”

3. Working a Twelve Step program.

4. Doing shame-reduction work by “legitimizing” our abandonment trauma. We do this by writing and talking about it (debriefing). Writing especially helps to externalize past shaming experiences. We can then externalize our feelings about the abandonment. We can express them, grieve them, clarify them and connect with them.

5. Externalizing our lost Inner Child. We do this by making conscious contact with the vulnerable child part of ourselves.

6. Learning to recognize various split-off parts of ourselves. As we make these parts conscious (externalize them), we can embrace and integrate them.

7. Making new decisions to accept all parts of ourselves with unconditional positive regard. Learning to say, “I love myself for . . .” Learning to externalize our needs and wants by becoming more self-assertive.

8. Externalizing unconscious memories from the past, which form collages of shame scenes, and learning how to heal them.

9. Externalizing the voices in our heads. These voices keep our shame spirals in operation. Doing exercises to stop our shaming voices and learning to replace them with new, nurturing and positive voices.

10. Learning to be aware of certain interpersonal situations most likely to trigger shame spirals.

11. Learning how to deal with critical and shaming people by practicing assertive techniques and creating an externalization shame anchor.

12. Learning how to handle our mistakes and having the courage to be imperfect.

13. Finally, learning through prayer and meditation to create an inner place of silence wherein we are centered and grounded in a personally valued Higher Power.

14. Discovering our life’s purpose and spiritual destiny.

All of these externalization methods have been adapted from the major schools of therapy. Most therapies attempt to make that which is covert and unconscious into something overt and conscious.

These techniques can only be mastered by practice. You must do them, then reinforce them by doing them again. They will work if you will work."

JOHN BRADSHAW - Healing the Shame that Binds You

John Bradshaw's website.

Buy the book, Healing the Shame that Binds You

Read the TOXIC SHAME article from Very Well Mind.

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