Primate (2026)

On this episode of Movie Torture, Brad and Jacob kick things off by roasting MTD for buying a Honda Civic like he just joined the underground street racing scene at age 87. From there, the show immediately derails into couch trauma, Fear Factor takes, and whether Jacob’s dark lighting setup makes him look more like a Dateline informant or a full-blown rat.

Then the boys finally get to Primate, a movie they were way too excited for, only to discover it’s basically a rich family drama interrupted by a chimp in a Party City suit going absolutely feral. Along the way, Brad gives a one-minute synopsis that somehow includes rabies, deaf dads, Deadpool guys getting face-ripped, and the phrase “dead monkey, bad monkey,” while Jacob rightfully asks why a horror movie in 2026 still has ten straight minutes of unsubtitled sign language.

They also debate whether the monkey is CGI or just Troy in a fur suit, whether chimps can swim, whether a pet monkey is a power move or a facial reconstruction waiting to happen, and whether MTD would ride a Walmart scooter just for the free parking. By the end, the monkey is ripping jaws off, scalping pool girls, handing out body parts like party favors, and somehow the only people who live are the ones who absolutely deserved to die.

In short: Primate is a movie where everyone reaches for their phones, nobody grabs a knife, and Brad and Jacob somehow spend just as much time talking about monkey murder, Czech Cola, and Komodo dragons at Walmart as they do the actual plot.

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