Finally Get What You Want: 4 Words That Reveal Why You're Stuck (& What to Do Instead)

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Change Your Life with Dr. Amen Kaur

If you lost your job, were laid off or made redundant, or came out of a divorce, and you know what you want next but cannot make yourself move, the problem is not discipline. In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur explains the science of why working harder stops working after you have been devalued, why you have no motivation even though you know what to do, and what actually switches motivation back on.

In this episode you'll learn

• The four words that reveal where your energy is going: should, have to, need and want, and why only one of them moves you forward
• Why shame keeps you repeating the exact behavior you are trying to change
• What the still-face experiment reveals about attention, motivation and feeling stuck
• The difference between being seen and being validated, and why praise never fixes it
• The real cause of burnout according to burnout research, and why rest alone does not fix it
• The two ways people cope with feeling unwanted, and why both keep you stuck
• A simple one-week experiment to find your motivation again

Why do I have no motivation after losing my job?

Because a layoff, a redundancy or being managed out is an experience of being unwanted, and the human system goes still when attention and value are withdrawn. That is not laziness and it is not a flaw. It is the same response the still-face experiment shows in infants. Rest and pressure do not fix it, because neither one is the missing input.

Why can't I make myself do what I want?

Wanting is not willpower. Effort runs on wanting, and wanting runs on being seen. When something cuts the third one, the other two fail behind it. Motivation returns when you are seen for who you actually are, not when you push harder.

The four words

Should looks at what is missing. Have to looks at obligation. Need looks at lack. Want looks at the thing itself. Want is the only one that pulls you toward your goal.

Research mentioned

• The still-face experiment, Tronick and colleagues, 1978
• Donald Winnicott on the mirror role of the mother and the false self
• Carl Rogers, 1957, on the core conditions of therapeutic change
• Norcross and Lambert on the therapeutic relationship as the strongest predictor of outcome
• Maslach and Leiter, the six mismatches that drive burnout
• Hebbian learning, neurons that fire together wire together
• Joe Hudson on shame, wants and the 10 percent more enjoyment experiment

Try this week

Pick one thing you keep telling yourself you should do. Drop the should. Ask how you could enjoy it 10 percent more, without changing it or buying anything for it. Then notice which of the four words you are using.

Coffee and a chat?

If you are capable and still feel stuck, grab a coffee and let's talk it through. Twenty minutes, no pitch, nothing to prepare. We will look at what might be keeping you stuck and what could help. Book here: Coffee & chat

About Dr. Amen Kaur

Dr. Amen Kaur is a trauma-informed somatic coach and former FTSE 250 partner with over 20 years in recruitment and career development. She helps professional women rebuild confidence and get what they actually want after major life and career transitions. Learn more at amenkaur.com.

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