352 SelfWork: How To Become A Startist: A Conversation with Becky Blades

I wanted to offer you the advice and very creative teachings today of Becky Blades – she founded and sold an award-winning communications firm, she’s basically run from the board room to the home room, she’s an artist herself, and she’s an inspiring and highly creative author of two books;

Her first book, Do Your Laundry or You’ll Die Alone, Advice Your Mom Would Give if She Thought You Were Listening, which she wrote and illustrated, was named a Best Books of 2014 and one of the Top 100 Indie Releases by Kirkus Reviews. It received the prestigious Kirkus Starred Review and was an Amazon best seller for six consecutive years.

Now she’s written another wonderfully illustrated book (her own drawings and illustrations) entitled Start More Than You Can Finish. And I wanted it to be a real fresh-er-up-er for those of you wilting in the heat of the summer or fending off one more winter storm – dependent on your hemisphere. And the Next Big Idea Club has selected it as one of “the most essential nonfiction books of the year."

She calls herself a bad cook, a hopeful gardener, a passionate tree hugger and a licensed private pilot – and I’m delighted not only to have her on SelfWork... but to call her a friend.

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Episode Transcript

This is SelfWork. And I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford At SelfWork. We'll discuss psychological and emotional issues common in today's world and what to do about them. I'm Dr. Margaret and SelfWork is a podcast dedicated to you, taking just a few minutes today for your own selfwork.

Speaker 2:

Hello and welcome or welcome back to SelfWork. I'm Dr. Margaret Rutherford, and I'm so excited about bringing you a friend of mine and someone that I truly, truly admire. Becky Blades. I wanted to offer you the advice and very creative teachings of Becky today. Not only has she founded and sold an award-winning communications firm, she's basically run from the boardroom to the homeroom. She's an artist herself, and she's an inspiring and highly creative author of two books. Now, the first one was, do Your Laundry or You'll Die Alone,

Speaker 2:

That is a long time. Now, she's written another wonderfully illustrated book. Again, her own drawings and illustrations entitled Start More Than You Can Finish. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wanted it to be a real fresher upper for those of you who are wilting in this heat of the summer, or if you're in another hemisphere, fending off one more winter storm. Her point in this book is that we can get so afraid of failing, we don't start and starting is so important. In fact, she advocates being a startist. And this book also has high praise. It's been named a Must Read by the Next Big Idea Club, which by the way, the members of that club are Malcolm Gladwell, Adam Grant, Susan Kane, and Daniel Pink, not bad company. And they call it one of the most essential non-fiction books of the year. It is truly inspiring.

Speaker 2:

She calls herself a bad cook, a hopeful gardener, a passionate tree hugger, and a licensed private pilot. And I'm delighted not only to have her on SelfWork, but I'm lucky enough, like I said, to call her a friend.

Before we hear Becky's interview, let's hear from BetterHelp. So many people start or go back to therapy when their kids are starting school. And that's not too long from now. So everyone's starting something new. I'd recommend calling very early for a therapist in your locale, but with better help. You don't have to worry about that. They're ready to see you when you are ready to be seen.

Speaker 2:

I recently heard a fascinating reframe for the idea of asking for help. Maybe you view asking for help as something someone does who's falling apart or who isn't strong. So consider this. What if asking for help means that you won't let anything get in your way of solving an issue, finding out an answer or discovering a better direction? Asking for help is much more about your determination to recognize what needs your attention or what is getting in your way of having the life you want better help. The number one online therapy provider makes reaching out about as easy as it can get. Within 48 hours, you'll have a professional licensed therapist with whom you can text, email, or talk with to guide you. And you're not having to comb through therapist websites or drive to appointments. It's convenient, inexpensive, and readily available. Now you can find a therapist that fits your needs with better help. And if you use the code or link Betterhelp.com/self work, you get 10% off your first month of sessions. So just do it. You'll be glad you did. That. Link again is better help.com/selfwork to get 10% off your first month of surfaces.

Speaker 2:

And now I'm delighted, absolutely delighted to introduce you if you don't already know her. To Becky Blades. I was trying to remember when you and I met, was it at a midlife bloggers

Speaker 3:

Associated? It was at, it was at BlogHer that in San Jose.

Speaker 2:

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 3:

And it was my first one. Do did you go to a lot of those? No,

Speaker 2:

I think I went to two. I went to the one there. I went to one in Chicago, I think, and then I went to that one I didn't go to anymore.

Speaker 3:

And who invited me were Mary

Speaker 2:

Mary Dell Harrington, and Mary

Speaker 3:

Darrell Harrington and Lisa Heffernan. And I had just put out that first book. And I, you know, gosh, I am, I'm, you know, everybody I met there was so nice. And I just have still loved maintaining those relationships.

Speaker 2:

Listen, I was so glad that I took the time to read all of your book because I just laughed and I smiled and I teared up a couple of times and you had me from the very beginning. Your artwork is just incredible. A line is a dot that wasn't, this is what you say, a line is a dot that wasn't afraid to get started. I mean, that's like,

Speaker 3:

I loved that. Yeah. And a dot can be a splatter. I mean, dots don't need to be neat, perfect little dots. They can be

Speaker 2:

I didn't remember that until it, then I refreshed my memory and I wrote it that you are also, you're an author, but you're an an artist and you're, you're, you really love combining those things. And can you, why don't you tell SelfWork listeners a little bit about you?

Speaker 3:

Okay. Yeah. I had a career in public relations, which came out of a degree in journalism. And so I've always liked writing. I didn't like being poor. So journalism wasn't, you know, the job that I wanted out out of school. I grew up poor. So I, I chose to find a way to make money in an, the agency business, the journalism public relations agency business. There were a lot of opportunities for creativity. So I started my own firm in when I was 30. Wow. And ran that for 13 years. And then when I, kind of parenting was at a, at a pitch that I wanted to be home and in, in my creative space at home more too, sold the business and started building what what we now call a portfolio lifestyle. So I had the business oh, I like

Speaker 2:

That name. I've never heard this

Speaker 3:

Speaker 3:

And that was the subject line of the email I sent my daughter of all these journal entries with advice that I was kind of afraid to give her in person. So after she left for college, I sent it all to her. And, and then, you know, after that, I'm, I, I don't mind saying I'm 64 now. And those, these past 10 years of being kind of all, you know, almost the entire time empty, nested has given me the chance to really see how what I love and what I, who I love spending time with. And I've realized it's, it's people like you who when they think they wanna do a podcast, they'll just haul off and start it, or people have ideas and act on them. So

Speaker 2:

No, and the, the name of this book is Start More Than You Can Finish. And, and I so agreed with it. I, one of the things that I say to patients all the time is, it doesn't matter where you go, it's that you go Exactly. Just go, just make a choice. Just go. And I, I was just humming along with your book Thinking

Speaker 3:

And it's been fun to think about the mental health aspects, of course, you know, to, to make the case for something that seems as contrarian as this notion of start more than you can finish, you know, kind of in defiance of what our parents may have said. But the mental health aspects of creativity, we're learning more and more as you know about how creativity makes us flourish and thrive and, and the and then we have other things we can talk about, anxiety, depression as I studied the neuroscience of it, I, I decided, you know, I discovered hidden benefits that I didn't know I had been partaking in.

Speaker 2:

Wow. What are those?

Speaker 3:

Well, starting with self-discovery, self-esteem, getting out of anxiety and depression. I'll, I'll tell you a story that I haven't, it didn't make it in the book and I haven't told many people because it seems like kind of a downer, and we wanted the book to be upbeat. But part of my catalyst for writing the book was I was taking art lessons to domestic violence shelters. I did this for a few years. I, I didn't call it art therapy. Now they did because mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

Well, the spectrum really starts way over in a place where we feel totally powerless. Totally. devoid of even knowing what we like. Right. What gives us joy, what our idea of beauty is, and our inability to make a decision. So this book is about starting, it's taking that first step, like you said, it's not where you go, it's that you go. And the example is, in the very first class, these women, all of them could not even make that first initial decision. I, I would kind of lay out a little project, very simple. I had all these enticing art supplies, but they literally needed my permission to choose a color. Like, what should I start with purple? Yes. Purple would be a great place to start. They had lost, I mean, they had literally had mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

That's a great point. It's that shutting down of, of risk of any, even, even how what, even no matter how tiny the risk, or seemingly tiny, it's not seemingly, it's not tiny to them. It's like, oh, right. I'm gonna make a choice and it's gonna be out here for other people to see. And yeah, it's right. But, you know, I, and you may

Speaker 3:

Not know, you know, I think when we're beaten down, we don't know what the risks are. There's this free floating sense of, I'm taking a chance, I'm doing something I haven't didn't do yesterday. So what might happen, because, you know, life doesn't treat us rationally. And for those women who had been, you know, abused, they, they had been abused for much less things than making a wrong color decision. Right. So the healing so to, you know, get back to your first big question was the, the ancillary benefits of acting on our ideas and following that creative process are things we don't even know we need, I think. And, and yet I could really see it dramatically with those, those women who, and this was another really fun thing, is that they came out of that so fast, so joyfully really, that just a few weeks, you know, just, you just give that affirmation that Yeah, purple would be great, and that looks great, and you know what, this other color might work too. And then they start with the self, with their own self-talk. And I mean, they just, those, those stays and those shelters aren't that long. So I only got to see 'em for a short period of time, but it was, it was fast and miraculous.

Speaker 2:

That's incredible. You know, I got my start in this business by volunteering at a domestic shelter. Oh.

Speaker 3:

So you get it.

Speaker 2:

Love so much so, so, so much. Anyway. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

Speaker 2:

I finished them, but

Speaker 2:

Not in, not in the way that I thought I was going to. And, and I mean, I carried those around with such shame for so long mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

Mm-Hmm. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 2:

Speaker 3:

Speaker 2:

You know, I'm, I'm thinking about your work on Dreams with Start. I love that book. That, that's a great word. You, you, you should thank your daughter

Speaker 3:

Exactly. It's, it's the, the answer to the question. The answer to the question. Why haven't you started that thing? And I asked actual people, art students of mine create very creative people after they told me something they wanted to do, I asked them why they hadn't started. And the answer was always, I don't have enough blank. They, they would word the answer many different ways. Sure. It could be confidence, like, I don't think I can do it. You don't have enough confidence. Right. enough permission, enough validation, you know, space and permission could be just from your family to think that you could take the time away for yourself. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 3:

But we do have enough to start those things. That was the big learning. I think the big aha in the research was if you've started anything, like you probably didn't know that you'd be doing a podcast for this long pss I can, I've decided I can never do a podcast. I

Speaker 2:

I was determined to do at least eight podcasts because I was told in my class that that was the average number of podcasts that people do before they finish

Speaker 3:

Really? Eight. Eight. Wow.

Speaker 2:

Eight. And so when I got to nine, I thought, oh, why

Speaker 3:

See, there you go. And what if you hadn't known those numbers? That's fascinating. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I I just, the support you give in the book and the humor and the asking people to look at themselves, I you know, you, you sort of break down these four parts, the imagine, think, decide, and act, and you

Speaker 3:

Not overthinking? Well, you may be familiar with, you know, all the research that mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

I wrote that reality,

Speaker 3:

Circled it. Reality is a big old truth pill. And we cannot, we cannot predict it.

Speaker 2:

Mm-Hmm. No, we cannot. So like I have that in red, circled in red

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Somebody has to start something about a diary and a cowboy. And it may not make any sense. It is like, you have no idea where they're going, but you, you, you say something and you bring along. And then, oh, and then there was a, there was another cowboy, but he had a black horse, but he wanted a white. I mean, it's just, it's, it's, yeah. Then the story evolves. And so it's, I I loved that. Maybe, I don't know, is it an analogy, a metaphor that this

Speaker 3:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

Creation is like improv.

Speaker 3:

And you know, the best quote I heard in my interviews with those people is it's about what we do, but mostly it's about what we do with what we did. So that first step, again, the stakes are reduced. You just gotta do something. It's throwing the mud on the wall. It's on an improv stage. There are like five actors, somebody has to say the first thing mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

That's brave. That,

Speaker 3:

That is brave. It's also brave to be in the audience of those because it's, it's usually young men who

Speaker 2:

But it's also an external energy. It's, it's going energy from internal traveling externally. When you're curious because you are either, whether it's how you make a good glass of iced tea. I'm sitting here looking at my i d or whether it's gosh, I, you know, I'm interested in what those green books are behind her. You know, it's, it's, you are, you're engaging with something. Maybe it's an idea or a person or a thing that's not, but you are, you, your focus is outward.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. I never thought of that, that way. That's, that makes sense. Which is a

Speaker 2:

Antidote to depression for sure. Hmm. And in many ways, anxiety, because you have to be in the moment. You have to be, whereas anxiety puts you into the future. Hmm. So what, tell me what you learned about yourself in, in writing this book.

Speaker 3:

Oh gosh. I learned that the very beginning of the research was learning that all of my unfinished business, and I'm doing air quotes visually here was were treasures. And that when I, you know, we rarely let ourselves dig back into the things that didn't go forward. You know, even things I didn't consider failures or unfinished, I just forgot about them. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 3:

And I do now. The, the rationale for this book was to to help other people that don't act on their ideas and make those people more fun companions,

Speaker 2:

Was just about to ask you about that. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 3:

Speaker 2:

I thought it would be, or would've

Speaker 3:

Speaker 3:

And, and I would try to help them. And, and you could just see that they ditch the others that were not gonna act on it. They had taken it as far as they wanted to go, and there was not a whole lot you could do for them. So that's what I wanna change. They had, they had, you know, is that mindset that says I can't start it unless I have made room in my life mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

And it's funny, I, I had lunch with someone that was interested in the TEDx process and was asking me about it. And she's starting to write a book and, and, or she wants to. And she was asking me all about that. And this is a very I, I feel like I'm having the same conversation twice this morning or this afternoon, Uhhuh

Speaker 3:

Good for you. I

Speaker 2:

Said, if you've got 10 minutes, just take 10 minutes.

Speaker 3:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

Just start jotting down some ideas and you don't have to what's the word I'm looking for? You know, you, you don't have to corral the time or say, okay, I'm gonna have gonna do this in on it. It's like, if you just put some consistent energy into it, it, it's gonna grow. It's just a, it's just exactly watering the idea every now and then so that it, it has, it can sustain you with time away from it. But you also, when you get back to it, you go, oh, oh, I hadn't thought about that. And

Speaker 3:

Exactly.

Speaker 2:

It, it's, it's, it's kind of refreshing. It's, it's like having a, starting a conversation and realizing the more you have it, the more you really value it. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 3:

It's like such sort the Nik effect which I wrote about a little.

Speaker 2:

Yes. I had never heard of that.

Speaker 3:

I mean, it's just that, it's just what you said. Once you make it real, once you tell your brain, we're gonna do this, or I have a problem if, if we accept it and don't say like, those nine out of 10 people said, I'm probably not gonna do this. If you're one of the ones that said, "Okay, I'm writing a book" - whatever you declare as starting maybe that's writing your first two sentences, our brain tells us, our brain gets the message that they're on the job. Yeah. And subconsciously we are homing devices to pieces of information, to problem solving help, to meeting people. You know, you meet somebody and you think, oh, like, did they just say something about a book? Are they an author? You know, we are, we're, we wonder, we think there's new information coming out, we're just zeroed into it. Sure. And that we, you know, that happens all the time in our lives. And that effect it's also responsible for the thing that happens after we're done with something. Like we're done studying for tests. We take the test, it's over, and all that information just dumps out more

Speaker 2:

It just goes away.

Speaker 3:

Well consider the opposite of that true for something that we've started and we haven't finished. So if you, if you take that fall smallest first step, declare it started, the world gives us a bling bag full of gifts. And that's, that's really why I say that the more we start the better and the, even if we start things that are very short term and finish 'em, start a limerick, start a, a soup

Speaker 2:

I, I just, I, I really felt very supported. And I, I think if, if you're interested in this and you, you wanna get Becky's book, it is, it is, it is an, it's not, it's not a hard read at all. What is, what is compelling about it to me is that it does go against so much of what many of us are taught that mm-hmm. You know, you don't wanna start something and not finish it because, you know, that means that you're wasting time or you're wasting energy. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 3:

Yeah. What you're just

Speaker 2:

About to say is a big deal. Yeah.

Speaker 3:

And, and you know, a clarification on the finish start more than you can finish. What, and you, because you brought up di divorces in that example of something that wasn't finished or could have been called failure mm-hmm.

Speaker 2:

Point. What

Speaker 3:

We don't start because we don't think we can finish as planned. If somebody said, "You're gonna have eight years with a person who you love for six of them, and you learn all these things for each other from each other" you know, maybe you can make that decision to not start because you didn't like that finish. But that's not how things work. And relationships are very creative undertaking. So in many ways, a relationship is a very good example. Yeah. a courageous creative start. So anyway, it's not, it's not don't finish. Finishing is always the end game. We wouldn't, you know, you don't start something you don't want to finish, but it, it's just a, it's just trying to trick that. Because I think when our parents said, "Don't start more than you can finish, don't bite off more than you could chew," they did not make us finish more. They only made us start less.

Speaker 2:

Right.

Speaker 3:

They just didn't wanna mess left out

Speaker 2:

Right, right. Wow. I wonder how you think this affects the newer, the younger generations. This don't start because they, you know, one of the things that I read a lot about, and then I have a 28 year old, so I'm somewhat in touch with what's hopefully in touch with what's in his world, is that they have not, there's been so much comparison with what other people have started around the world where I knew maybe somebody in Little Rock, you know, in Arkansas, and I was in Pine Bluff and oh, well, you know, I, I didn't know what somebody was doing in Bangkok or, or Toronto or California. I knew my little group of friends and that was it. And, and yet, so maybe some of this don't start anxiety is also about, well, what am I spo, you know, how do I compare what I'm starting to, what somebody else is starting or mm-hmm.

Speaker 3:

The biggest learning I had about that and this generation, and remember this was, this book was pretty much done when Covid hit. And the data then on business starts, particularly by young people, was on a 25 year decline. Really. And the research showed that that really came from how we're raising our kids. We no longer say, "Yes, Joey, you can have a lemonade stand. I don't have time to help you, but go for it". No, now we are, we are over parenting. We are trying to get kids in the, in the right schools. So my kids didn't do a lemonade stand after they were four because they were on club soccer teams because, or the debate team, because maybe they could get a scholarship. It was we have very structured instead of free range childhoods. Right. So how do you, you know, it just, it's a subliminal message that there's not time for your ideas. 'cause You have to follow society's schedule. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 2:

Speaker 3:

That's my hunch. And I think it's tragic. So, but then now there have to, and, and then Covid necessitated this boom in business starts because a business start is also, you know, your son starting a freelance business because he has to in Covid. Now, you know, it, it remains to be seen whether those starts will be sustained or whether they were just out of necessity. But that is a good, that is a reason for this rally cry, is that our kids are gonna need to start whole careers for themselves. Mm-Hmm.

Speaker 2:

Pulling on your face. I mean, you know, it's just, oh, well this didn't work out quite as way, I thought. Yeah,

Speaker 2:

Yeah, exactly. And then again, start something else.

Speaker 3:

It was so fun to reconnect. Thank you, Dr. Margaret.

Speaker 2:

You betcha.

Speaker 2:

I know you enjoyed that interview. Isn't Becky absolutely fantastic?. I wanna remind you that we now have episode transcripts at the end of every episode of Self Work. I don't know why I haven't done that in the past. It's really been far easier to do do it than I imagined. And so I apologize in many ways to those of you who may struggle with hearing like I do because I have tinnitus. And if I can find a way to add in other episode transcripts, I will. But at least for now, each episode of Self-Work has its own episode transcript. I also wanna remind those of you who maybe haven't subscribed to my website@drmargaretrutherford.com, you can get a free ebook called The Seven Commandments of Good Therapy. But most importantly, you get one weekly newsletter from me, just one, and it offers to you both my weekly blog posts, which some of you may be interested in reading.

Speaker 2:

I write one still every week, or sometimes we revamp an old one to bring it up to speed and make it applicable to today. And then of course, this podcast and any other news or information that I think you might be interested in, love to have you join, you can subscribe at the website. So now the subscription or the subscribe now is basically embedded when you scroll through the website. It's much easier than it was and I hope far less irritating. But I'd love to have you as a member of my newsletter, thank you to those of you who've listened to my TEDx talk as I record this. We are right at 63,000 views and wow, that's incredible. So keep 'em coming if you can. If you haven't watched I'd so appreciate you going to YouTube, Dr. Margaret Rutherford and TEDx, and you'll get the talk. Or you can go to my Instagram page and you'll see it in the links. That's instagram.com/dr. Margaret Rutherford. Thanks so much for being here. Again, my immense gratitude to you, and I hope this in every episode is helpful to you. Please take care of yourself, your family, and your community. I'm Dr. Margaret, and this has been self work.

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