How to Let Go of Your Shame

How to Let Go of Your Shame

Chances are, there’s something in your life you feel deeply ashamed about—something you’ve never told anyone, something you can’t even admit to yourself. In this episode, we go deep into the emotion we all experience but almost no one wants to talk about: shame. Where it comes from, why it’s so powerful, how it screws up our lives—and more importantly, how to deal with it. We cover the biology of shame, the psychology, the evolutionary roots, and how modern life (especially the internet) completely messes with our shame systems. We talk about healthy vs. toxic shame, how it shows up in addiction, relationships, perfectionism, and self-sabotage, and why most of us either try to hide from it or end up being controlled by it. You’ll also hear from members of my team about how shame shaped their lives in surprising ways. As always, this episode is brutally honest, deeply researched, and sprinkled with a few bad jokes. But more than anything, I hope it gives you the awareness—and the tools—to start facing whatever it is you’ve been avoiding. Because you can’t outrun your shame. But you can learn to live with it. We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/shame Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join the Solved Community, a group of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/shame Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough Chapters 00:00:00 Introduction 00:04:35 Chapter 1: Shame's Hidden Architecture 00:14:38 Chapter 2: Key Definitions 00:18:32 Distinguishing Shame from Guilt 00:20:49 State Shame vs. Trait Shame 00:21:47 Shame vs. Embarrassment and Humiliation 00:24:03 Shame, Trauma, and their Interrelationship 00:25:14 Chapter 3: The Neurobiology of Shame 00:29:56 The Shame Spiral 00:36:04 The Learning Paradox of Shame 00:44:12 Chapter 4: The Shame Compass 00:47:33 Personal Experiences with Shame 00:49:21 Workaholism as a Coping Mechanism 00:59:13 The Allure of Shamelessness 01:01:15 Chapter 5: Individual, Familial, & Cultural Sources of Shame 01:11:05 Geographical Impact on Shame 01:13:08 Cultural Values and Shame 01:14:35 How the Greater Culture Shapes Shame 01:26:12 Chapter 6: Digital Technology & Shame 2.0 01:28:02 The Digital Divide 01:31:05 The Relationship Between Technology and Anxiety 01:33:55 Protection Strategies 01:39:21 Chapter 7: Developmental Stages of Shame 01:40:19 Understanding the Origin of Shame 01:42:57 The Role of Parenting in Shame Development 01:56:49 Chapter 8: How Therapy Transformed Our Understanding of Shame 02:01:06 Carl Rogers and the Safety Revolution 02:07:31 Albert Ellis and the Cognitive Revolution 02:11:58 The Influence of Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers 02:13:31 The Emergence of Reparenting and Inner Child Work 02:17:18 The Rise of Internal Family System 02:20:24 Brene Brown's Work on Shame 02:27:59 Chapter 9: Tools to Address Your Shame 02:40:19 Stoic Principles for Perspective 02:47:05 Perspective Shifting Techniques 02:58:26 Chapter 10: Tuning Your Shame System 03:10:39 Recognizing Unsustainable Shame Patterns 03:16:28 Kristen Neff's Self-Compassion Framework 03:25:33 Understanding Shame as Obsession and Resentment 03:29:53 Overcoming Shame and Personal Growth 03:31:39 Takeaways fr... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episoder(82)

7 Underrated Habits for a Better Life (and 7 Overrated Ones Too)

7 Underrated Habits for a Better Life (and 7 Overrated Ones Too)

I just heard about the “bed rotting” trend on social media and I think I need a minute. Because if the kids think staying in bed all day eating pizza and doom scrolling is a form of rejuvenation then I’m calling bullshit on self-care. Today’s episode is a fun one. Drew and I have a long list of common self-improvement practices and I’m scoring them as overrated or underrated or, “it depends.” Try out Shopify for just $1 for the month by signing up via my link: ⁠https://shopify.com/idgaf⁠ Get 15% when you shop at ⁠oneskin.co⁠ using my code: IDGAF Get one month free at ⁠Listening.com⁠ using my link ⁠listening.com/IDGAF⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

17 Apr 202452min

How Bad Therapy Can Harm a Generation (ft. Abigail Shrier)

How Bad Therapy Can Harm a Generation (ft. Abigail Shrier)

If the story of humanity is about loss, privation, suffering, and resilience, why are kids having nervous breakdowns about bad grades? In today’s episode, I talked to Abigail Shrier about what parents and mental health experts are inadvertently doing to rob young people of the resilience and grit that past generations had. It’s a spicy one. Enjoy. Get 50% off your first Factor Meals box and 20% off the next box using my link ⁠https://factormeals.com/idgaf50⁠ And use my code “IDGAF” for 20% off + free shipping when you purchase online from ⁠https://manscaped.com⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

10 Apr 20241h 6min

Why It's So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult

Why It's So Hard to Make Friends as an Adult

Making friends is hard, and unfortunately, as you get older, it gets harder. In this episode, we look at research behind friendships, plus the complicating factors people experience in making new friends as they get older. And for anyone struggling with their social lives, we share practical tips on how to meet and keep new friends. Enjoy and, good luck out there. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

3 Apr 202446min

Founder of Eight Companies Explains: How to Take Massive Action (ft. Noah Kagan)

Founder of Eight Companies Explains: How to Take Massive Action (ft. Noah Kagan)

Social media messes with our expectations because it convinces us that we should be doing everything, everywhere, all at once. But the reality is that we should focus on doing one or two things extremely well, in one place, consistently over a long period of time. Today on the pod, I talk to Noah Kagan, multi-millionaire and multi-business owner, about the type of consistency and habits that lead to wealth. Noah created his own wealth out of self-belief, learning from failing and being careful with what he gives a fuck about. Noah’s story is compelling as he shares how he found success over decades, by never ceasing to try. If you’re looking for some raw talk to get you motivated to go out and do cool shit, this is the episode to sink your energy into. Enjoy. Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at: ⁠https://shopify.com/idgaf⁠ Get 15% off your first order of OneSkin by using checkout code IDGAF at ⁠oneskin.co⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

27 Mar 20241h 16min

Why Modern Society Makes Us Feel More Lonely

Why Modern Society Makes Us Feel More Lonely

I came across some mildly terrifying statistics on loneliness and wanted to figure out what was going on. In this episode Drew and I break down three paradoxes we're calling “The Three Paradoxes of Modern Loneliness” and they are as follows: We are more connected than ever, yet loneliness is at an all-time high The more urbanized our lifestyles become, the lonelier we become Despite being more social, young people are becoming lonelier than older people Join us as we dig into the data and discuss why this all might be happening and what we can do about it. Check it out. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

20 Mar 202438min

Productivity Expert Explains: How to Accomplish Far More While Working Less (ft. Cal Newport)

Productivity Expert Explains: How to Accomplish Far More While Working Less (ft. Cal Newport)

What if there was a way accomplish meaningful work—without the associated relationship breakdowns or stress? What if “making an impact” didn’t require massive amounts of energy or sacrifice? What if you could get more done by doing less? In this episode, I talk to Cal Newport about how knowledge work has got it all wrong. We discuss the subtle dangers of remote/digital work and the key to avoiding burnout, all while still being able to grind on the things you love. If you’re a stressed out, overworked remote worker, this one is for you. Get a one-month Shopify trial for $1: ⁠shopify.com/idgaf Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

13 Mar 20241h 16min

6 Things to Stop Doing in 2024 to Change Your Life

6 Things to Stop Doing in 2024 to Change Your Life

What if the answer isn’t to do more? What if the answer is to want less? I’ve always believed that subtracting from your life can produce better results than trying to add something. Generally, quitting a bad habit, or a bad mindset, or anything distracting, will have a bigger impact on your life than learning more. This episode covers a few things I think we should stop doing to live a better life. Enjoy. Get 10% your first month of therapy at ⁠betterhelp.com/idgaf Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

6 Mar 202448min

The Surprising Benefits of Working Weird and Awful Jobs (ft. Derek Sivers)

The Surprising Benefits of Working Weird and Awful Jobs (ft. Derek Sivers)

Successful people talk a lot about what made them successful. But they're rarely asked about all the things that went wrong. What about all of the things that failed? Or all the times they got fired? Embarrassed themselves? Spent time in jobs that were just plain weird or awful? No one asks this stuff. Until now of course. In this episode, I talk to my friend Derek Sivers about the weird and awful jobs that eventually led him to become a millionaire. From circus ringleader to founder of one the most successful music start-ups of our time, this guy has a story to tell. Derek Sivers is the author of four books, founder of CD Baby which he sold for $22 million (then gave most of it away), and just an all-around badass. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

28 Feb 20241h 10min

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