How to Let Go of Your Shame

How to Let Go of Your Shame

Chances are, there’s something in your life you feel deeply ashamed about—something you’ve never told anyone, something you can’t even admit to yourself. In this episode, we go deep into the emotion we all experience but almost no one wants to talk about: shame. Where it comes from, why it’s so powerful, how it screws up our lives—and more importantly, how to deal with it. We cover the biology of shame, the psychology, the evolutionary roots, and how modern life (especially the internet) completely messes with our shame systems. We talk about healthy vs. toxic shame, how it shows up in addiction, relationships, perfectionism, and self-sabotage, and why most of us either try to hide from it or end up being controlled by it. You’ll also hear from members of my team about how shame shaped their lives in surprising ways. As always, this episode is brutally honest, deeply researched, and sprinkled with a few bad jokes. But more than anything, I hope it gives you the awareness—and the tools—to start facing whatever it is you’ve been avoiding. Because you can’t outrun your shame. But you can learn to live with it. We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/shame Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join the Solved Community, a group of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/shame Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough Chapters 00:00:00 Introduction 00:04:35 Chapter 1: Shame's Hidden Architecture 00:14:38 Chapter 2: Key Definitions 00:18:32 Distinguishing Shame from Guilt 00:20:49 State Shame vs. Trait Shame 00:21:47 Shame vs. Embarrassment and Humiliation 00:24:03 Shame, Trauma, and their Interrelationship 00:25:14 Chapter 3: The Neurobiology of Shame 00:29:56 The Shame Spiral 00:36:04 The Learning Paradox of Shame 00:44:12 Chapter 4: The Shame Compass 00:47:33 Personal Experiences with Shame 00:49:21 Workaholism as a Coping Mechanism 00:59:13 The Allure of Shamelessness 01:01:15 Chapter 5: Individual, Familial, & Cultural Sources of Shame 01:11:05 Geographical Impact on Shame 01:13:08 Cultural Values and Shame 01:14:35 How the Greater Culture Shapes Shame 01:26:12 Chapter 6: Digital Technology & Shame 2.0 01:28:02 The Digital Divide 01:31:05 The Relationship Between Technology and Anxiety 01:33:55 Protection Strategies 01:39:21 Chapter 7: Developmental Stages of Shame 01:40:19 Understanding the Origin of Shame 01:42:57 The Role of Parenting in Shame Development 01:56:49 Chapter 8: How Therapy Transformed Our Understanding of Shame 02:01:06 Carl Rogers and the Safety Revolution 02:07:31 Albert Ellis and the Cognitive Revolution 02:11:58 The Influence of Albert Ellis and Carl Rogers 02:13:31 The Emergence of Reparenting and Inner Child Work 02:17:18 The Rise of Internal Family System 02:20:24 Brene Brown's Work on Shame 02:27:59 Chapter 9: Tools to Address Your Shame 02:40:19 Stoic Principles for Perspective 02:47:05 Perspective Shifting Techniques 02:58:26 Chapter 10: Tuning Your Shame System 03:10:39 Recognizing Unsustainable Shame Patterns 03:16:28 Kristen Neff's Self-Compassion Framework 03:25:33 Understanding Shame as Obsession and Resentment 03:29:53 Overcoming Shame and Personal Growth 03:31:39 Takeaways fr... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Episoder(82)

6 Important Truths No One Likes to Hear

6 Important Truths No One Likes to Hear

The most important truths in life are the ones we don’t like to hear. In fact, I managed to make an entire career out of sharing these types of truths because the stuff we don’t like hearing is often what we need to hear the most. In this episode I have a lot of fun going through—one-by-one—six nuggets of wisdom, designed to make us all less awful humans. So saddle up bitches, I’m here to break hearts today. Get your nutritional goodness with AG1 using my link: ⁠https://drinkag1.com/idgaf⁠ And get a whopping 50% off with Factor Meals using my link: ⁠https://factormeals.com/idgaf50⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

21 Feb 202448min

What Everyone Gets Wrong About Mental Health (ft. Lori Gottlieb)

What Everyone Gets Wrong About Mental Health (ft. Lori Gottlieb)

Could it be that today’s increased awareness about emotions, and our obsession with mental health issues, are actually causing more mental health issues? More people are doing therapy, but are those people potentially doing it wrong? Therapist, counselor, and author Lori Gottlieb says that a lot of our culture’s approach to mental health is wrong. In today’s podcast, we discuss what it takes to do therapy effectively. We discuss the prevalence of mental health content online and why that may be a bad thing. We talk about how people’s misunderstandings of vulnerability and boundaries can backfire. And we get into the effect social media might be having on this. Enjoy. Signup with Rocket Money and start for free: ⁠https://rocketmoney.com/idgaf Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

14 Feb 202455min

3 Questions That Determine 99% of Your Happiness

3 Questions That Determine 99% of Your Happiness

We all overestimate how much you have to do to actually be happy. But what if I told you that achieving happiness is much simpler than you think? That’s right, the smallest lifestyle changes can have the most unexpected knock-on effects towards positive change. It’s actually quite incredible once you experience it. In today’s episode of the pod, we delve into the 3 of the most important questions that you can ask yourself in determining your own levels of happiness. These are questions worth asking. Make me happy by liking and reviewing the episode. Make someone else happy by sharing it with them. Get 10% off your first month with BetterHelp at: ⁠https://betterhelp.com/idgaf Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

7 Feb 202435min

The Self-Improvement Paradox: When Trying to Get Better Feels Worse

The Self-Improvement Paradox: When Trying to Get Better Feels Worse

What do you do when trying to improve your life makes you feel worse? What if trying to be better comes across as ‘try-hard’? What if setting more goals is just your way of avoiding your own bullshit? This is the topic of discussion in today’s episode, “The Self-Improvement Paradox”—or in other words, why sometimes trying to be better makes you feel worse. It turns out improving yourself is nuanced and complicated. Who would have thought? Check it out. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

31 Jan 202434min

Sex, Drugs, and Money Might Actually Make You Happier (ft. Sonja Lyubomirsky)

Sex, Drugs, and Money Might Actually Make You Happier (ft. Sonja Lyubomirsky)

Imagine if you could sit down with one of the world’s leading happiness researchers and ask her, one by one, what actually makes people happier and what doesn’t? Well, that’s basically what I did. In this episode, Sonja and I get deep into the subject of happiness. One by one, we conclude which of life’s simple and not-so-simple pleasures are underrated or overrated. Some of the answers will definitely surprise you. Do yourself a favor—watch, like, and share the happiness. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

24 Jan 202455min

5 Life-Changing Lessons From Visiting 75 Countries

5 Life-Changing Lessons From Visiting 75 Countries

If you’ve ever been stuck working some BS desk job thinking there’s got to be more to life, then you were right. There’s travel. High-quality, intentional travel is one of the most transformational experiences a person can have. Without a doubt, my 10 years living abroad made me more confident, more self-assured, and ultimately more educated about the world and the people in it. It also informed a lot of the philosophy that I've written about over the past 10 years—the counterintuitive approach that so many people have come to love. This episode dives into the key takeaways I got from my years of traveling. I can’t be sure, but I think they might inspire you as much as they have me. Enjoy. Get started with BetterHelp today and receive 10% off your first month when you use my link ⁠https://betterhelp.com/idgaf Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

17 Jan 202442min

Why Everyone's Social Skills Are Getting Worse (ft. David Brooks)

Why Everyone's Social Skills Are Getting Worse (ft. David Brooks)

People are becoming increasingly lonely and are unable to relate to one another. Yet we have more access to more people than ever before. What's going on? Is it technology? Is social media replacing our sense of community with the empty calories of the sweet, sweet For You feed? Or maybe it’s the deterioration of the nuclear family — fewer kids are being born and being raised by fewer parents. Or is it the lack of religion in public life? Or the geographic exodus from small towns and communities towards big anonymous cities? Or the economic inequality and complete loss of work/life balance? These are questions that I, and renowned journalist and author David Brooks, unpack together as we nose dive into the social and emotional disconnect of millions of people.Need lessons on how to talk to the barista making your coffee? Looking to build a better relationship with Gary from across the fence? This episode won’t make you a master of communication overnight, but it’s a fascinating conversation packed with useful insight from beginning to end.Listen to it. David Brooks on Twitter @nytdavidbrooks: https://twitter.com/nytdavidbrooksDavid Brooks’ column: https://www.nytimes.com/column/david-brooksDavid's new book “How to Know a Person:” https://www.amazon.com/How-Know-Person-Seeing-Others/dp/059323006X Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

10 Jan 202454min

What Everyone Gets Wrong About Goals

What Everyone Gets Wrong About Goals

It’s 2024 and hopefully you haven’t already given up on your goals for the year. Today, we’re going to talk about the best and worst ways to set goals. We’ll talk about the factors that make you more likely to achieve your goals, why you lose motivation by week three, and the most common error everyone makes when deciding to change themselves for the better. We’ll also be sharing some of our personal goal disasters along the way to learn what not to do. We’d also like you to share your goals with us! Details on how to do that are here. Happy New Year. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

4 Jan 202442min

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