31: BDSM Through an IFS Lens, with Leonore Tjia

“I can be any part in this, any role in this. I'm both the writer, the producer, the director of this erotic theatrical experience my psyche is creating." Leonore Tjia

Disclaimer: This episode contains explicit discussions of BDSM practices, power exchange, trauma, and sexuality. Listener discretion is advised.

Patty sits down with Leonore Tjia, a therapist, coach, and kink educator, for a conversation about what happens when the frameworks of Internal Family Systems and BDSM meet.

For those new to the world of kink, Leonore offers a clear introduction — unpacking the difference between power exchange and sensation play, and explaining why the BDSM community’s emphasis on consent, negotiation, and aftercare brings a level of intentionality that is often missing from so-called “normal” sexuality.

From there, the conversation goes deeper: how dominance and submission can echo early attachment experiences, how scenes can become spaces for reenactment and repair, and what it really means to negotiate consent — not just with a partner, but internally and with the body parts themselves. They also turn the lens on the therapeutic relationship itself, exploring the power dynamics, the attunement, and the ways that being a good therapist might draw on some of the same inner capacities as being a good dominant.

Leonore Tjia (she/they) is a queer Chinese American Associate Marriage and Family Therapist based in Vermont. She has worked in the field of adult sexuality education since 2011 with a focus on erotic embodiment, consent and transformative BDSM. She holds a Masters degree in Counseling Psychology and has studied and trained in a variety of healing modalities, including Internal Family Systems, Theater of the Oppressed and the somatic arts form Body Tales. Through her private practice, Rewild Your Heart, she helps people restore the dignity, power and aliveness of their erotic selves.

Connect with Leonore:

Leonore’s website: rewildingtheheart.com

About Self-Led in Bed

Self-Led in Bed is a podcast where we explore our fascinating internal sexual landscapes and discover our authentic sexual Self through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS).

Hosted by Patricia Rich — Certified IFS Therapist, AASECT-Certified Sex Therapist, coach, and creator of the Self-Led Sexuality and The Six S’s models — each episode brings warm, smart, and often juicy conversations.

Resources

Get the free The Six S's of Sexual Self-Energy Infographic.