Did I Fail? When Your Adult Child Leaves the Church

Your child has stepped away from church. Maybe they’ve been pretty vocal about it. And the question creeps in: Did I fail? Did all that effort mean nothing?

In this episode, Brooke answers that question with a story from her kitchen. She’s been making cream pies since she was 16. Every time she stirs the filling, there’s a moment where it seems like nothing is happening. She wonders if she left something out. Then, in a matter of seconds, it sets up. It was working the whole time.

Brooke talks about why grief and failure are not the same thing, and why real faith has to be chosen. She shares a quote from Elder Renlund about how Heavenly Father isn’t after obedience but choice. And she asks a different question. What if the work was always meant to happen in us? Learning to honor agency. Holding contraries. Living with uncertainty without needing to resolve it.

She also shares what touched her most in her birthday letters this year, why she wants to be the “fun aunt” to her own kids, and a recent moment where she gave one of her children too many opinions.

In this episode:

• The difference between grief and failure
• Why “turning up the heat” with guilt, hints, or pressure scorches the relationship
• Creating a home where love isn’t conditional on church activity
• Curiosity over correction
• Why repair takes time
• Ways to make church a safer place for families who are walking a path they didn’t expect

Questions to reflect on:

• What would change if you defined “working” as who you’re becoming instead of who your kids are becoming?
• Who at church might be quietly carrying a load you could help with?
• What would it look like to make your home a place your kids want to come back to, simply to be with you?

Mentioned in this episode:

• The Holiday Bundle 2026 is coming next week! Short videos to help you prepare emotionally and logistically for the holidays. Join the email list for first access. [link]
• The Mother in Law Series (earlier episodes on the “fun aunt” idea) [https://brookeoniki.com/captivate-podcast/the-mother-in-law-series-becoming-the-fun-aunt/ ]
• Want Brooke’s cream pie and pie crust recipes for Thanksgiving? Email brooke@brookeoniki.com
• Next week: rupture and repair
• Join my newsletter at www.brookeoniki.com