Episode 18: What Is Sex Addiction + Horcrux Theory

Working Through Strong Emotions is something that everyone has to deal with at times. For those of us who deal with betrayal trauma due to the sex addiction of a loved one we often times have an added struggle.   Emotions!  When betrayal trauma hits, emotions can be all over the place. “traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past us alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort.  Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside.  They learn to hid from their selves." Besel Van Der Kolk As we can see with soldiers, how we deal with emotions can easily and understandably swing too far one way or the other. It's like a pendulum. We can go too far one way and too far another. The hope is that we can learn to be more centered. Emotions aren’t bad or good, they just are.   From the website Thought Catalog, this quote is by Anna Gragert “When I started going to therapy, it was pointed out to me that I label my emotions as either “positive” or “negative.” In response to positive emotions, I push myself to stay on the train of happiness. As for negative emotions, I tend to push them away and feel as if I caused my own demise. Obviously, this is not healthy, but I feel that a lot of us tend to do this. We do not want to deal with painful emotions, which is why we throw ourselves into our work or paste a fake smile upon our faces.” (Thought Catalog post written by Anna Gragert) Toxic Positivity Have you ever had someone tell you, when you are in the middle of severe emotional distress, things in an effort to help that go something like this, “You can choose happiness right now!” “It's alright, you just need to keep going.” “You need to focus on positive things.” “Just be positive.” “You’re so lucky that  _________ didn’t happen to you.” And more. Might I suggest boundaries with those who have yet learned to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort." That's from Mosiah 18: 8- 10. (Take what you like and leave the rest.) In case it’s validating for anyone, I’ll link a Hope Works Video: titled Mourn With Those That Mourn to see healthy ways of addressing someone going through hard things. Another valuable resource might be Episode 4 of the Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast titled: Why Your Story Matters and How To Safely Share it. Likewise though, we can also apply toxic positivity to ourselves. We might expect that we should be to a certain point in our healing, or we might think that we should not feel something in particular. It's easy to undervalue the impact of our experience and/ or what we think the effects of betrayal trauma should be. Can I suggest that we take out the “I should’s” and seek for acceptance of what is. This is brave to face. Honoring Emotions Emotions need to be honored. In this episode I discuss a personal story of how I had no tears after our formal disclosure and how honoring anger was key to my healing. (Listen for the full story.) My 5 Basics For Handling STRONG Emotions are:

1 Juli 202019min

How To Help a Loved One With a Sex  Addiction We can't "fix" our loved ones, but there are things that we can do. A few topics that we will discuss in this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode are: 1- Learning About Sex Addiction 2- Keeping things shame free 3- Setting Boundaries  4- Strengthening Intuition “Intuition is not a single way of knowing - it's our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we've developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith and reason.”  Brene Brown 5- Surrendering SOURCES  The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (affiliate link) Betrayal Trauma SOS Instagram post regarding porn being a needle Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 8: Intuition You Were Right and You Knew It Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction Betrayal Trauma SOS Podcast episode 13: The POWER of Surrendering

26 Juni 202020min

Have you wondered how to teach children about pornography? Me too friend. This week's podcast episode is all about raising porn addiction resistant children/ This episode stems from a question from last week’s Q & A: “Hi Jeni!  I have a question for you: how do you raise sex addiction resistant children?  I think about having kids and I worry about them suffering from the same demons that my husband does.  I worry about them picking up not safe emotional habits.”  I want to say thank you so much for this beautiful question.  I have many of the same concerns and am actively looking for ways to help my 6 children with these very things.  Basically, I’m in the trenches with you. What does porn do to children’s brains?   Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton says this: “Our brain cells change with learning. Addictive learning sculpts the brain in a very damaging way and we can become very set in certain behaviors and tastes. When there is a reward like pornography, that's a specially powerful printing process. The brain doesn't forget that. A 12- year-old who sees hardcore porn is going to say 'Wow that was amazing'. Sometimes children may be frightened, but the fascination overcomes the fright eventually. One thing our brain wants is novelty, change. It wants a different face, a different body shape. Boys, and increasingly girls, are struggling with porn. They literally surf for hours looking for the perfect clip to masturbate to. There is a lot of scientific evidence that sex can, and in particular Internet porn, be addictive. It's like a blackjack game, it's a different set of cards every time.” The thing is, it's not IF children will see porn, it's WHEN.   In a talk titled "A Sin Resistant Generation" by Joy D. Jones, she talks about a critical understanding when she says, “We must understand our—and their—divine identity and purpose before we can help our children see who they are and why they are here. We must help them know without question that they are sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father and that He has divine expectations of them.” We discuss Rat Park in today's episode as well. We talk about the ROOT of addiction, which is lack of connection. How do we make it safe for children to share their feelings in our home so that they can ultimately connect in healthy ways with others. This week we also discuss the skill of making feelings safe. In regards to this, we discuss the following quote from Katy Willis, “When I finally learned that each one of us has the right to feel and that we can validate the other person without also having to validate the drama, the distortions, the story… it has completely changed the way I approach others.” Something else that we can’t miss in this process is how do we talk to our children about sex and sexuality? Of course this is incredibly personal per family but I’ll share what we are working on. We'll additionally talk about: Talking about sex in age appropriate ways Taking shame OUT when talking about sex to children How to talk about sex frequently When Talking About Pornography, here's a few things that we teach our children: 1- Name it (That's pornography) 2- Crash (Turn off any devices, close a magazine, etc.) 3- Tell (Talk to a trusted adult- like a parent) 4- Recognize that no matter how it made you feel, you aren’t bad. Take the shame out. What To Do When Your Child Tells You That They’ve Seen Porn If one of my children comes and tells me that they have seen porn,  Know that there are many levels of porn use and it doesn’t mean that they are addiction.  Of course, it doesn’t mean that there’s not addiction.  Staying curious is critical....

10 Juni 202026min

Episode 14: Q & A I appreciate all of the questions submitted for this Q &A episode. In this Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast episode, I answer your questions about: If I am still married to the person who betrayed me.What the lines are for staying with your spouse after betrayal.How to tell if an addicted spouse is being honest or not?How to raise children who are resistant to sex addiction?Can I ever recover from betrayal trauma?Is there a way to keep from running?Can I forgive myself for betraying my spouse? I greatly appreciate the thoughtful questions that were submitted for this Q & A. Sources: Divorce by Elder Dallin H. Oaks Addiction Recovery Program Step 8: Be Firm and Steadfast The Body Keeps the Score by Besel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link) (8)Betrayal Trauma SOS podcast: Episode 8: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction UCAP Presentation- Betrayal Trauma, Hope and Healing: How Do I Find My Way Out?  Sherie Christensen (7) Episode 7: I Am Sacred (11) Episode 11: Boundaries When Your Spouse Has a Sex Addiction (13) Episode 13: The Power of Surrendering Brene Brown:  3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral (Oprah’s Lifeclass)

2 Juni 202036min

The POWER of Surrendering outcomes when your loved one has a sex addiction. Feeling weighed down? Do thoughts of your loved one's addiction consume your thoughts? I relate. Let's explore how to function from a place of peace in this week's episode: The POWER of SURRENDERING. NOTE: Next week I will be doing a Question and Answer episode.   I welcome recovery and/ or personal questions regarding my own recovery by contacting me on Instagram, Facebook, or from the contact tab on the betrayaltraumasos.com website.  I certainly don’t have all of the answers but can offer what I have learned as well as consult with others who are farther ahead in recovery.  I do pledge confidentiality and anonymity.  I have definitely tried to control my husband’s addiction.  For the first 17.5 years of our marriage, I thought I was being a great wife by almost never withholding sex, and oftentimes offering it more often.  Imagine my shock as we sat in a formal disclosure with our therapist to learn that not only had I not controlled his addiction with sex, but I also made it worse.  With eyes wide open that I was truly powerless, I was able to make better choices and set better boundaries.  Episode 5 titled: You Can’t Fix Sex Addiction With Sex goes into more detail about that issue if you’d like to check that out. The WHY WHY do we try to control?  That question carries with it heart-wrenching answers.   The why is important and too often we focus on the resulting behaviors without looking deeper.  When we don’t look at the why, it is easy to start living in a breeding ground for shame.  The why helps us to stay curious and to be gentle with ourselves as we strive to change our shape. Motives for control might include financial repercussions, a desire for connection, the desire to not suffer heartbreaking consequences, to rescue our loved ones and more. I truly thought that I was controlling the outcome of my husband’s addiction, but in all reality, it was not true.  I had zero power and in the process of trying to control, I became miserable.   SURRENDER Here’s a question for each of us to consider: What would life look like if we could let go of control and really live life again?  What hobbies might we take up, what friendships might we cultivate, and what would our homes look like?  It’s lovely to dream sometimes. It is possible to live the dream and to find power in surrendering. From the book Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, he says this, quote “the more you pull on the rope to hitch yourself up to where you want to be, the more frazzled it becomes.  Possibly, you might be wondering, “Isn’t there an easier, better way?” Are you willing to let go of the rope?” What’s the solution then?  How can we live life more fully?  What can we do to no longer live in fear? What can we do to let go of our frayed and frazzled ropes?  One tool that can be helpful in recovery is that of surrender.  Letting go of the rope looks different for everyone. For me, surrender is more of a process and is a continual effort.  I’m learning that when I can identify the roots of fear, I can identify what to work on surrendering the outcome.   The Process of Surrender Doesn’t the thought of living in peace sound lovely?  *sigh* I agree.  To live in peace is a strong desire of mine, but how do we do that?  How do we achieve that level of serenity? How do people actually surrender? Oftentimes it’s easy to get lost in the big picture of our situations. In this episode, we'll discuss the song "The Next Right Thing," from Frozen 2 as it relates focusing on the next step instead of the overwhelming big picture. Along these lines, is the concept of Daily Bread.  When we choose to rely day by day, hour by hour, minute by minu...

26 Maj 202031min

Grace is my favorite tool for healing from... anything but especially betrayal trauma. The key element in my recovery from betrayal trauma that stems from my husband's sex addiction has certainly been grace and I'm happy to discuss that in this betrayal trauma podcast episode. Women's Stories of GRACE In Healing From Betrayal Trauma I am honored to welcome 9 women who share their personal experiences with grace as they heal from betrayal trauma. Their experiences have strengthened me and I look forward to sharing their beautiful stories of Grace in this episode Religions That Teach About Grace Grace, is a fundamental concept of Christianity, however, the more I looked into the concept of grace, the more I realized that it is found in many religions and not just Christianity.  For instance, did you know that the Hebrew word that is similar to grace is chen?  I found that grace was also found in Hinduism, Islam, Buddhism and more. Something in me seems to melt when I hear or think about grace.  When reading the scriptures, and in particular, the New Testament, I highlight the word grace anytime I see it. My New Testament is littered with that beautiful word and I have wondered how it applies to me. Lately, I have contemplated how it applies to healing from betrayal trauma.  As I’ve actively looked for the role of grace in my recovery from betrayal trauma, I have seen it everywhere.  How stunning and wonderful to realize that grace was at the center of every tool and every healing principle.   Grace For the Brokenhearted Grace certainly has the ability to cleanse from sin, but today, I am addressing the heartbroken.  I know because I walk among you as one of your own.  Today, in regards to grace I will primarily focus on the enabling power of grace as it has healing properties.   I love this definition of grace from Sheri Dew’s book Amazed by Grace as she says, quote “What is Grace? Grace is divine, enabling power. Author and Pastor Max Lucado has a video about Grace and a book as well wherein he tells a story about a man named  Li Fuyan.  Mr. Fuyan had suffered from terrible headaches for 4 years.  Nothing had gotten rid of his headaches.  Nothing.  Finally, the doctors took an x-ray and discovered that a rusty four inch knife blade was in his skull.  Years earlier he had an altercation with a robber and had been attacked.  Mr. Fuyan did not know that the knife blade from the robber had broken off under his jaw and into his skull. Buried pain can be similar to the knife.  When we bring our pain to our higher power or God, we invite the surgeon to remove the proverbial knife.   Surgery and recovery are not typically pleasant experiences.  They take time, skill, and following directions from the surgeon.  As walking wounded, we have proverbial knives stabbed deep into our souls.  Removing them typically takes time, patience and a great deal of compassion.  In this episode, I also talk about ways that grace is healing my family from the consequences of sex addiction and betrayal trauma. SOURCES: Betrayal Trauma SOS Boundaries Video Amazing But Divergent Concepts of Grace Divine Grace- Wikipedia Amazed by Grace by Sheri Dew (affiliate link) Luke 4:18 and Isaiah 61:1 Max Lucado- Video on grace  Grace: More Than We Des...

19 Maj 202040min

Boundaries with my spouse who deals with sex addiction changed my life.  Maybe they will change yours too? While a few things in this episode are geared towards spouses who are married to someone that struggles with sex addiction, most of what we are discussing is applicable to other addictions as well.  Whether your spouse is addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. you will likely find helpful information on boundaries in this episode. This week, I share a snippet of what my life looked like before and after learning about boundaries. When I’m employing boundaries, I don’t need to yell, shrink, threaten, or shame.  I recognize my worth and I recognize the worth of others as well. Groundwork for boundaries include:   A rock-solid personal understanding that God uses boundaries. An understanding that we are to cleave to one another and our covenants in marriage, but that we do so individually.Boundaries are best implemented when we have a strong community to support us.The concept that my marriage might be saved by implementing boundaries was empowering. They became a primary source in a rescue mission. I was being rescued, my husband was offered a life preserver and if he chose recovery, our marriage might be rescued as well. We'll discuss what boundaries with sex addiction are and what they aren't, and how they are ultimately about safety. This episode includes the House analogy for boundaries. I share my favorite insights about boundaries when your spouse struggles with sex addiction which include: Why boundaries are best when made with God and my personal experience with this.The power of personally tailoring boundaries to our loved ones, plus a personal example of when this was effective in my own lifeThe difference between firm boundaries vs. fluid boundaries.  I share my own insights on this, along with my friend's experiences.We will also explore why it's important to be gentle with ourselves as we learn and adjust our boundaries, and why it's important to place a boundary around disconnect.Detaching with love is also a topic in this episode, along with what to do when your spouse or loved one pushes back against boundaries. Betrayal Trauma SOS. Let's heal together. SOURCES: What Can I Do About Me by Rhyll Ann Croshaw (Affiliate link) Episode 7: I Am Sacred  Addiction Recovery Program- Step 8:  Be Firm and Steadfast  Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend (Affiliate link) Beyond Breath by Sariah Bastian (Affiliate link) Prana Yoga  Episode 8 of Betrayal Trauma SOS: Intuition- You Were Right and You Knew It

12 Maj 202025min

Facing denial to live in truth is critical for anyone, but especially those of us who have a loved one that struggles with addiction. Let’s learn why it’s an important element to address when healing from betrayal.  Denial.  What is it and why do we need to be aware of it?  This podcast episode uses a parable from Deiter F. Uchtdorf about blind men feeling and describing different parts of an elephant. One feels the trunk and says that it must be snake-like, while another feels a leg and thinks it's more like a tree. Denial is like that. It's easy to have blinders on and only describe small parts of the big picture. We end up painting a false picture to ourselves and others. We can’t fix what we can’t see.  Shedding denial is a critical part of the healing process from betrayal trauma and other heartaches as well. My goal has become to live in truth.  However unappealing it may seem, living in truth helps me to have a clear picture so that I can make adjustments in my life.   For those of us who are suffering from trauma, living in truth is crucial because, as is talked about in The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, it is important for us to integrate what has happened to us. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk (affiliate link) Intimate Deception Dr. Sheri Keffer (affiliate link) It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way (affiliate link) What Is Truth (CES Devotional From 2013) Dieter F. Uchtdorf

5 Maj 202016min