Survivor Story - Hannah's Story for Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Survivor Story - Hannah's Story for Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Sexual Assault Awareness Month 2020 begins with a Survivor Story. Hannah submitted her story to Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services and approved a reading of the story. Producer Dan Moyle reads the account. Interim Executive Director (who is also our Director of Advocacy Services) Deborah Hackworth and Sexual Assault Therapist Krista DeBoer discuss the story to help us find hope and insight.

Hannah's Story:

Did he always intend to go that far? Why me? Was I an easy target? Is it my fault? These questions no longer haunt me, but they still exist.

I was a 13 year old girl in seventh grade just trying to survive mean girls, figuring out my body, and thinking about boys. The usual 13 year old girl stuff. I remember feeling innocent amongst my friends. They all had siblings a few years older so they were all well versed in things 13 year olds should not be talking about. But there I was an insider yet still somehow an outsider. Seventh grade was going as normal as seventh grade could go until my friends cousin started to take notice of me. I was 13 and he was 19. He was a senior in high school and talked to his cousin at least once a week at school. I was with her the last time they had spoken in the halls and from that point on he acknowledged me.

It started with a quick hello or a wink as I walked by. I was 13 and a boy was being kind to me, I was flattered. He started to come into my classroom as the teacher’s assistant. His behavior became more flirtatious, he started hugging me and touching my arm or back if we walked by one another. I thought nothing of it other then I cannot believe this cute older guy is being so sweet to me.

I remember sitting in class when one of the guys in the 8 th grade came in. He walked right up to me and said, “I was just with BLANK and he said if you were older he would totally F you.” I honestly did not know what to say at that point. I was no longer flattered but my best friend was standing right next to me and bumped my side and smiled at me like I should be excited. It made me feel uncomfortable but I didn’t feel like I could say anything. I did think it was weird that he would say that and at that point I had never had sex; I had never done anything. I just moved on from that particular statement and pretended it did not happen plus what was anyone going to do about him saying it?

Things continued on. He continued to come into our gym time after lunch, taking pictures with me, flirting in the halls and so on. The end of the school year was nearing and he was getting ready to graduate. It was my friends birthday and she was having a party at her house. I figured he would be there just because of the family relation and because I might go. I knew my mom would never let me go because this particular friend had zero supervision at her house but I had planned to sneak out. I was honestly sick about the thought of doing that. I was not thinking about the consequences and I truly did not want to but I thought I was missing out on something.

The night came to my friend’s birthday party and of course my mom said no. My friend and I communicated to when and how he could come pick me up for the party. I put my pink princess robe over my clothes and waited until my parents were asleep. I heard him honk as he went by and I knew it was time to sneak out. I got out of the house easily and quickly. Again, I was literally sick. I threw up 3 times that night just because I was so nervous. We got to the party successfully and all I could do was sit there and act as though I was enjoying myself. The party was a party. I found out after getting there not only was this my friend’s birthday but it was also HIS birthday. Why he would want to spend his birthday with a bunch of 13 yr olds is beyond me, well it was until later. Most of our friends left and it was just me, him, and his cousin (my friend). We ended up leaving to go to his friend’s house for a little then coming back. She fell asleep on the couch and I was watching t.v. on the other couch. I could not sleep. I just wanted to go home; I knew I screwed up coming to the party.

He came from the hallway and gestured me to follow him. I was scared and nervous but I got up and followed him into my friend’s bedroom. I honestly did not know what was going to happen. I was 13. Fight, flight, or freeze. I froze. I cried. I did not move. I stared at the ceiling, unable to react to anything. Half way through the rape, tears streaming down my face, he said, “Are you okay?” ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I KNOW YOU CAN FEEL MY SHAKING BODY AND HEAR ME CRYING, YOU KNOW I AM NOT OKAY!!!! I don’t remember making it back to the couch but I did somehow. I fell asleep and woke up to my parents screaming at me because I had never come home and they figured out I had snuck out to my friend’s. I was grounded forever and they questioned him about why he would ever pick up a 13 yr old girl. They never called the police though. At the time I was glad but now I wish they would have.

After I returned to school everyone knew what happened and then I heard that he had told everyone we had sex. HE TOLD EVERYONE WE HAD SEX. CONSENSUAL SEX. It ruined my reputation. I was called every name in the book and everyone looked at me differently from that moment on.

For the next 7 years. Yes 7 years, I was suicidal, depressed, anxiety ridden, and I went from being a virgin to sleeping around. My ability to say no was taken away from me. I lost my voice. I started letting people walk all over me and using me. I was so angry and I could not express why. I became mean. I entered into a teen dating violence relationship that left me with a broken rib and heart thus creating in me more unhealthy habits. I had the most distorted view of what love was. I had no idea who I was and I didn’t know how to fix anything.

I did find healing, grace, forgiveness, and my voice. My healing started with forgiveness. I forgave him and all those that perpetuated his consensual sex story and I forgave myself. I know that my healing had to start with forgiveness. At some point I had to stop being what happened to me and blaming others for my choices. I had to let it all go so God could piece me back together and help me find my voice in a healthy way. I am still healing and I always will be but it is part of the process. What happened will never un-happen but it does not have to run my life.

I also forgave my parents. A part of me always blamed them because I thought they knew what happened but when I finally told my mom and dad at age 27 I realized through their brokenness that they truly had no idea. I had been holding resentment toward them for 14 years and I was freed from that 7 years after I started my healing process. As I stated before healing is a process.

Something I have to point out in all of this is the grooming. He groomed me from the moment he saw me to the night that it happened. He knew what he was doing and what the outcome would be for him. I used to blame myself for sneaking out that night and I questioned whether or not if he really knew what he had done. He did, he just did not care and it was not my fault. Also, I knew something was not right from the beginning but I ignored it. Even at 13 I knew it was wrong, trust that feeling when you get it. You are most likely right.

Again, please remember that healing is always possible, there is someone out there that cares deeply for you and your scars, and what happened to you is not your fault.

If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org.

Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here.

Please consider helping us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

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Keeping Our Kids Safe with Renee Abrams and Katey McPherson of Bark

Keeping Our Kids Safe with Renee Abrams and Katey McPherson of Bark

Renee Abrams and Katey McPherson of Bark, a technology to help parents and caregivers proactively monitor text messages, social media and more for their children's safety, join Dan on this episode to talk about keeping our kids safe from sexual assault online. From red flags to technology to help, this conversation covers a lot as we continue our Sexual Assault Awareness Month coverage. Resources mentioned in this episode: Bark Protect Young Eyes Talking About Sex (website) Peggy Orenstein (books) Common Sense Media Building Boys (website) ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

14 Apr 202138min

Talking to Our Kids About Sexual Assault Without Scaring Them

Talking to Our Kids About Sexual Assault Without Scaring Them

During Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we are helping parents and caretakers talk to their children about sexual assault. It's not easy to approach the subject without scaring (and scarring) them. But it's also not good to ignore the possibilities. On this episode, a panel of DASAS team members tackle the question "I'm afraid of scaring my children by talking to them about sexual abuse, but I'm also afraid not to talk to them about it. What should I do?" ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

7 Apr 202125min

Sexual Abuse in the Media

Sexual Abuse in the Media

In this episode, DASAS Executive Director Krista DeBoer shares information about a presentation she gave the DASAS Board of Directors on media coverage— news and entertainment media— on sexual assault, harassment, abuse and rape. Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM) is a campaign each April to raise public awareness about sexual assault and educate communities and individuals on how to prevent sexual violence. The goal is to bring as many organizations together to highlight sexual violence as a public health, human rights and social justice issue and reinforce the need for prevention efforts. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center provides the annual theme, slogan, resources and materials for the national SAAM campaign. (paraphrased from Wikipedia) Links: Sexual Assault Awareness Month Moxie Sexual Violence in the Media: An Exploration of Traditional Print Media Reporting in the United States, 2014–2017 ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

31 Mars 202123min

Survivor Story - Nicole's Journey of Escaping, Returning, Forgiveness and Surviving

Survivor Story - Nicole's Journey of Escaping, Returning, Forgiveness and Surviving

Nicole Railsback - Co-Owner and Operator of Railsback Indoor Sports Expo - The RISE in Southwest Michigan, shares her story of abuse, escape, a return to the person who abused her, ultimately escaping and the damage her return caused... coupled with forgiveness, love and survival. The RISE ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

24 Mars 202139min

How to Help and Support DASAS

How to Help and Support DASAS

Bill Furr, President of the Board of Directors at DASAS and chair of the facilities committee, joins Dan on this episode to discuss how listeners can help support Domestic And Sexual Abuse Services (DASAS). From giving money to donating supplies to our emergency shelter, you can help us support survivors in many ways. DASAS Wish List Donate to DASAS ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

17 Mars 202140min

2 Years, 100 Episodes - What Have We Learned from Our Podcast

2 Years, 100 Episodes - What Have We Learned from Our Podcast

After two years and 100 episodes, some of the people behind I'm Not In An Abusive Relationship gather to discuss where we started, what expectations we had and where are now. As of this release, our little podcast produced in Southwest Michigan for our 3 counties we support has been downloaded (or streamed) nearly 80,000 times. We average 792 downloads/plays per episode (the industry average is 140 per episode). We reach every state in the U.S. plus another 103 countries. Our goal to spread hope and help is working. Listen in as Dan Moyle welcomes Claudia Pahls (host), Ned Haylett (former President), Rose Ludwick (former Executive Director), Krista DeBoer (Executive Director) and Deborah Hackworth (Director of Advocacy Services) to discuss what it takes to launch and maintain a podcast for a nonprofit. ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

10 Mars 202136min

Men and Surviving Sexual Abuse

Men and Surviving Sexual Abuse

Survivors of sexual abuse (and domestic violence) span genders, sex, orientation and other identifiers. In other words, yes, men are victims, too. In this episode, you'll hear from a licensed counselor who helps men find hope and healing. Papillion 'Poppy' DeBoer is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor who, among other clients, specializes in helping male survivors navigate their healing. Poppy uses evidence-based techniques and methods, drawing primarily from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Compassion Focused Therapy. Resources: Sexual Victimization Perpetrated by Women: Federal Data Reveal Surprising Prevalence The Body Keeps the Score My Body Belongs to Me (for kids) A Practical Guide to Complex PTSD Am I Broken (Poppy's podcast) Agency of Change (Poppy's website) ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

3 Mars 202129min

Is Most Violence Against Women Committed by Strangers?

Is Most Violence Against Women Committed by Strangers?

Laura Kopacz is a Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE Nurse) at ProMedica Coldwater Regional Hospital Branch County Sexual Assault Services. On this episode, Laura explores the question, "Is most violence against women committed by strangers?" Laura also explains what survivors of sexual abuse can expect when working with medical professionals trained in working with victims/survivors. Important note: victims of sexual assault do not pay for this service. There is no cost to you as a survivor for help. Links: Branch County Sexual Assault Services Read about Laura ——————————— If you need resources or help in any way, call our 24 hour hotline at 800-828-2023 or visit www.DASASMI.org. Subscribe for a new episode each week. We publish every Wednesday morning at 8:00am. Subscribe to the weekly email newsletter here or at our website here. We appreciate your help in spreading the message of hope. You can help us reach more listeners by leaving a written review on Apple Podcasts or where you listen, and by sharing on social media.

24 Feb 202120min

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