What Women Want: Dating Stories, Tips + Tricks (Featuring Female Perspective Expert Ellen Ziegler)

Female perspective expert Ellen Ziegler was sitting on her couch when her worst date started peeling away his toenails on her couch.

Take a guess as to whether she went on another date with this guy.

I went out with a woman who did nothing but fart all the time and then tell me that she was farting all the time.

Take a guess as to whether I'm still dating Fart Girl.

Here we are, and it's the future of dating.

We have all of these dating apps.

We meet people in the real world all the time.

And for some reason, we're all still single.

Ellen and I talk about all this (on this new episode of my “Haha Dick" podcast), and we come to some conclusions:

One. Many women want a man who isn't just a provider but can keep up with his woman financially, so that they are on relatively even levels.

Two. Many women want men to show up in the relationship and give as well as they get.

What's funny about this to me is that I am looking for the same qualities in my future partners.

I don't necessarily want someone who is rich or poor, and I don't want someone who is unavailable or pining over some god-awful ex.

I feel like there are universal qualities that we're all looking for in partners of any gender, and those qualities can be summed up very succinctly:

We want someone who has a similar sex drive, and a similar money drive, and a similar worldview, and we want other similar things.

I know that sounds basic and obvious.

But honestly, what a lot of us want is someone who reminds us of ourselves in a way. Or, we want someone who reminds us of ourselves in most ways.

I've often said that if I could clone myself then I would marry myself.

And the reason is that I have been in many relationships with many people and I have come to the conclusion that I am a very good partner and if I could find someone who's as good of a partner as me then I would settle down with that person for the rest of my life.

And in the meantime, we're all on these stupid dating apps, and we're all meeting people in the aisles of stores, and we're going to bars and restaurants and Facebook events and all this other stuff in search of someone who will make us feel less lonely and less desperate.

Another stupidly funny thing to me is that we all get lonely and desperate so we end up in relationships we shouldn't be in, and then time passes and we have to break up, and then we get sad or angry or whatever emotion is required of that specific breakup.

And then we have to start that process all over again.

It's kind of fun but also kind of sucky.

Love is a numbers game, and we have to meet as many people as we can.

It's like my Nana always told me:

There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince.

I've gone out with 33 people this year and I have had sex with a lot of them and I ended up in long-term relationships with none of them.

But oh what fun I've had. For real.

What I'm getting at is this:

I'm on the market. If you're looking for a man like me, then let me know you're available too.

Here's my Bumble profile, are you ready?:

I'm not your provider.

I'm a fun, funny, handsome, sexy genius.

I'm the greatest writer who'll ever live.

I own a house.

I'm sane, stable, healthy: Physically, emotionally, mentally, sexually, intellectually, and socially.

I'm the world's greatest domineering lover.

But I'm not your provider.

xoxo

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