231. Secret Signals: Why We Rarely Say Exactly What We Mean

231. Secret Signals: Why We Rarely Say Exactly What We Mean

Why what isn’t said can communicate more than what is spoken.


We often speak in hints and half-truths, not because we can’t be direct, but because subtlety protects our relationships. “An awful lot of the time, we don’t just blurt out what we mean,” says Steven Pinker. “We hint, we wink, we beat around the bush — counting on our listener to read between the lines, connect the dots, catch our drift.”
Pinker is the Johnstone Professor of Psychology at Harvard University, a celebrated linguist and cognitive scientist, and the author of twelve influential books. His latest, When Everyone Knows That Everyone Knows: Common Knowledge and the Mysteries of Money, Power, and Everyday Life, explores how our shared understanding of awareness — what Steven refers to as common knowledge — and the way we signal it, governs everything from friendships to authority to negotiations. “Common knowledge is what ratifies or annuls social relationships, and that's why blurting something out that contradicts the assumptions of the relationship can blow everything up and be deeply awkward.”
In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Pinker joins host Matt Abrahams to discuss why humans lean on innuendo, euphemism, and strategic ambiguity. They examine how culture and context shape what we hear, why our social fabric depends on more than just literal meaning, and offer practical ways to refine our communication by paying attention not just to what we say, but to what others know we know.

To listen to the extended Deep Thinks version of this episode, please visit FasterSmarter.io/premium.

Episode Reference Links:


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Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (02:22) - Why We Speak Indirectly
  • (06:38) - The Role of Context
  • (10:34) - Cross-Cultural Perspectives
  • (11:50) - Hypocrisy as Social Glue
  • (13:42) - Clarity, Conciseness, & Grace
  • (17:06) - Metaphors We Live By
  • (19:34) - The Final Three Questions
  • (23:30) - Conclusion

********
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These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.

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12. It's Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It: How To Communicate Power

12. It's Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It: How To Communicate Power

Power exists in every relationship — whether we like that idea or not — and to be effective in any role, power needs to be understood. In this episode, Matt Abrahams sits down with Professor of Organizational Behavior Deborah Gruenfeld to discuss her new book, Acting with Power: Why We Are More Powerful Than We Believe. Deborah shares how body language can give us power, or take it from us, and advises how we can use power for good. Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> hello@fastersmarter.ioEpisode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn  ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get $50 off coaching today at Strawberry.me/smartBecome a Faster Smarter Supporter by joining TFTS Premium.

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11. The Science of Influence: How to Persuade Others And Hold Their Attention

11. The Science of Influence: How to Persuade Others And Hold Their Attention

We’re constantly bombarded with competing images, messaging, and bids for our attention. That's why as communicators, it’s increasingly important to know what engages people.In this episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Matt Abrahams speaks with Stanford GSB Professor Zak Tormala about the subtle ways you can structure your speech to get people to pay attention. “It’s not really about tricking people into doing what you want,” Professor Tormala says. “It’s more about understanding the factors that actually engage people or open them up to your idea and maybe get them to see something a little bit differently.”Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> hello@fastersmarter.ioEpisode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn  ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get $50 off coaching today at Strawberry.me/smartBecome a Faster Smarter Supporter by joining TFTS Premium.

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10. High-Stakes Communication: How to Manage Anxiety When Speaking in Front of Others

10. High-Stakes Communication: How to Manage Anxiety When Speaking in Front of Others

Most people feel nervous in situations such as speaking in front of a class, pitching a big idea, or giving a toast, yet research-backed techniques can help manage both the symptoms and sources of our speaking jitters.Matt Abrahams sits in the interviewee chair for this episode and talks with the podcast's producer, Jenny Luna, to share his backstory with public speaking anxiety and how by recognizing the causes of our nervousness, and applying mitigating techniques, we can gain confidence in our communication. Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> hello@fastersmarter.ioEpisode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn  ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get $50 off coaching today at Strawberry.me/smartBecome a Faster Smarter Supporter by joining TFTS Premium.

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9. Quick Thinks: How Being Present-Oriented Improves Communication

Although it may feel counter intuitive, letting go of our prepared notes and focusing on the present can help us communicate more effectively.In this Quick Thinks episode, host Matt Abrahams speaks with Stanford University lecturers and improv theater experts Dan Klein and Adam Tobin on how staying in the moment allows communicators to connect with their audience. Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> hello@fastersmarter.ioEpisode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn  ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get $50 off coaching today at Strawberry.me/smartBecome a Faster Smarter Supporter by joining TFTS Premium.

23 Apr 20207min

8. Don't Get Lost in Translation: How Non-Native Speakers Can Communicate With Confidence

8. Don't Get Lost in Translation: How Non-Native Speakers Can Communicate With Confidence

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10 Apr 202016min

7. Quick Thinks: Use This Framework to Speak up in Virtual Meetings

7. Quick Thinks: Use This Framework to Speak up in Virtual Meetings

We've all been in the situation where you have something important to contribute to a meeting and you don't know how to insert your thoughts. On this Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, podcast host Matt Abrahams offers the three ways to insert your ideas, either by paraphrasing, asking a question, or stating an emotion. He also outlines the "What, So What, Now What" framework and explains how to use this structure to communicate your ideas more effectively. Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> hello@fastersmarter.ioEpisode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn  ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get $50 off coaching today at Strawberry.me/smartBecome a Faster Smarter Supporter by joining TFTS Premium.

3 Apr 20205min

6. Quick Thinks: Communicating and Leading Virtually

6. Quick Thinks: Communicating and Leading Virtually

Leading successful meetings remotely and being a strong speaker on-screen require specific skills. Communicating effectively has to do with your presence, ability to leverage tools, and your audience engagement. In this Quick Thinks episode, Stanford GSB Strategic Communications lecturer Matt Abrahams shares best practices for becoming a more effective and engaging online communicator.  Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> hello@fastersmarter.ioEpisode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn  ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get $50 off coaching today at Strawberry.me/smartBecome a Faster Smarter Supporter by joining TFTS Premium.

27 Mars 20209min

5. From Monologue to Dialogue: How to Handle a Skeptical Audience

5. From Monologue to Dialogue: How to Handle a Skeptical Audience

Preparing to speak in front of a skeptical audience is more than thinking about objections beforehand – there are specific techniques you can use to respond to these challenging situations without sounding defensive, evasive, or dismissive. Here, we offer a few key tips for how to handle skepticism with aplomb.In this podcast, host Matt Abrahams and Stanford GSB lecturer Burt Alper share how to prepare for these challenges from your audience and discuss the importance of tactics like acknowledging audience input, reframing responses, and how to remain cool, collected, and credible. Connect:Premium Signup >>>> Think Fast Talk Smart PremiumEmail Questions & Feedback >>> hello@fastersmarter.ioEpisode Transcripts >>> Think Fast Talk Smart WebsiteNewsletter Signup + English Language Learning >>> FasterSmarter.ioThink Fast Talk Smart >>> LinkedIn,  Instagram, YouTubeMatt Abrahams >>> LinkedIn ********Thank you to our sponsors.  These partnerships support the ongoing production of the podcast, allowing us to bring it to you at no cost.Strawberry.me. Get $50 off coaching today at Strawberry.me/smartBecome a Faster Smarter Supporter by joining TFTS Premium.

12 Mars 202018min

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