Defensiveness: An Enemy to Growth and Loving Relationships

{Get the guidebook that accompanies this episode: "Building Love Maps Guidebook, a practical guide to rich and meaningful conversations}Even the best therapy in the world won't work if it only focuses on conflict and fails to focus on building friendship and positive systems of affection with your spouse. In today's episode, Robert and Sharla introduce a skill to help you create a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with your partner. This skill, known as "love maps," was created by Dr. John Gottman. Love maps refer to the knowledge and understanding partners have about each other's inner worlds, including their likes, dislikes, dreams, and aspirations.Robert and Sharla delve into the fascinating realm of love maps and explore how this powerful tool can enhance and strengthen relationships. They discuss the importance of building, maintaining, and updating love maps and how these maps contribute to fostering intimacy, emotional connection, and long-lasting love.By sharing harrowing personal stories and practical tips, Robert and Sharla offer valuable guidance on creating love maps with your significant other. From deepening understanding to sparking meaningful conversations, this episode unravels the transformative potential of love maps in nurturing thriving relationships. Join us to learn about another skill that will help you take your friendship and intimacy to a new level. There is a companion guide that goes along with this episode, which can be downloaded here."Building love maps means taking a genuine interest in your partner and making mental space to be able to store information about their world." ~ Sharla Snow "It’s important to keep returning to these love maps. Return and update. Update your knowledge about yourself and each other." ~ Robert SnowIn This Episode:- What to do after managing conflict in your marriage to restore friendship and connection- What are love maps? - Why the transition into parenthood is difficult for most couples - What to do to prevent your marriage from deteriorating when having a child- How to focus on your love maps and not neglect them - How to build a love map from scratch And so much more!MYM Resources:-Building Love Maps Guidebook, A Practical Guide To Rich and Meaningful Conversations (A companion guide to this episode)- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillarsResources mentioned:- Book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert” by John Gottman PhD and Nan Silver - https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0553447718 Connect...

12 Juli 202321min

As humans, we all have specific thoughts that don't bring the desired results. These thoughts can make our lives more difficult and cause hardships in our relationships. You may not have chosen them. You may have absorbed them when you were a child, and you have carried them during your life. But the good news is that these thoughts can be changed. In this episode, Robert interviews Sharla to uncover their romantic relationship's different transformations, thanks to changes in their thought patterns. Sharla explains how the tools she got from neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) allowed her to change her rigid thinking patterns and understand that different people perceive different things. When she accepted this radical fact, she realized there was no need to convince someone she was right. We all have our preferences, but when we decide to grow and stop blaming others for our circumstances, we internalize that diverse perceptions are normal and natural rather than threatening. Embracing this will bring more peace and zen to your relationships. Robert and Sharla invite you to challenge your existing thought patterns and consider whether a shift in thinking may bring more peace in your life. And remember, it's the small and simple things we do every day that creates strong relationships. "Either we can let our old software keep running our life and our emotions on autopilot the way we have since we were a small child and we first learned them, or we can take charge, change our software, create a new course, and navigate our life and our relationships." ~ Robert Snow"I choose to believe that we tend to attract and marry the person that mirrors exactly what we need in this life." ~ Sharla SnowIn This Episode:- A brief overview of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP)- The early days of Sharla and Robert’s marriage- What is the “model of communication”? - Why do we all perceive reality differently?- We didn’t choose most of our beliefs (but we can change them)- Your beliefs about other people are more about you than the others- Our spouse is our most realistic mirror - What part of our mind controls projections?- Where does empowerment come from? And so much more!Resources:- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program - https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/MYM423Connect with Robert and Sharla Snow:- Website: http://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/- Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/- Facebook - http://facebook.com/masteryourmarriage- TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@masteryourmarriage

5 Juli 202324min

How do successful couples manage external stress in their relationships? Learning how to become allies with your partner and creating a buffer between the two of you and the pressures of the outside world is the subject of today's important episode.The power of stress-reducing conversations in relationships is a secret ingredient that can elevate your connection, increase your intimacy, and improve trust between you and your partner.Couples that are better equipped to manage the spillover of stress into their relationship are those that embrace the idea of teamwork – seeing their partner as their ally and having a mindset of 'it's us against the world.' What a stress-reducing conversation can look like for you, and how to go about creating that sacred space and precious time for you and your partner to actually hear each other's fears are just some of the insights Robert and Sharla offer in this transformative episode of Master Your Marriage. We trust this information and advice will leave you feeling calmer and more prepared to deal with life's stresses as a united front. Remember, it’s the small and simple things we do every day that creates strong relationships. Please join us. "One of the tenets of our coaching program is teamwork. How can we come together and work together as a team?" ~ Robert Snow"Try to show affection and comfort in some way. Let your partner know that they're not alone and that whatever it is that you're facing, you'll face it together." ~ Sharla SnowIn This Episode:- How can men learn to take off their 'armor' from the day? - Having stress-reducing conversations to create teamwork- What does a stress-reducing conversation look like?- Learning to be a comforting presence (and not just offer solutions)- Is it essential for you to take your partner's side? - How to practice empathy and validate your partner's emotions- Showing affection – the power of touch - Turning a stress-reducing conversation into an everyday ritualAnd so much more!Resources:- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program - https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/MYM423Connect with Robert and Sharla Snow:- Website: http://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/- Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/- Facebook - http://facebook.com/masteryourmarriage- TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@masteryourmarriage

28 Juni 202320min

What if there was a better way for your words to have their intended effect on your partner? Honest, non-defensive words have the power to reverse a difficult interaction and restore connection and intimacy in our relationship. How we learn to speak more gently for greater effect is achieved by first appreciating the difference between content and context in any challenging conversation. Robert and Sharla are delicately defining this for us, as well as providing us with the practical tools required in the heat of the moment, such as expressing your 'starting position' with regard to how you actually feel before diving headfirst into an argument that you intend on 'winning.' When we speak softly, we can also express our truth more authentically. Robert and Sharla's unique approach also allows for more personal introspection and growth that we can then bring into our relationship. You have the power to improve your relationship by choosing words that heal, uplift, and strengthen the bonds of your love. We trust you will find this episode to be of great value. "If we want to be heard, we have to come in more gently." ~ Sharla Snow"Understanding always precedes solution-seeking." ~ Robert SnowIn This Episode:- 'Talk to me like I am someone you love' – lessons in communication from Nancy Dreyfus- Learning to speak our truth gently- What is the distinction between content and context in our conversations?- Articulating your 'starting position' (how you feel) before you begin an argument- 'We are never upset for the reasons we think' – getting to your context - How understanding precedes resolution- Finding a compromise that honors both parties - bringing an energy of connection- Why 'truth' is in the contextAnd so much more!Resources:- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program - https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/MYM423- Talk to me like I’m Someone You Love (Nancy Dreyfus’ Book) - https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Like-Someone-Love-revised/dp/0399162003Connect with Robert and Sharla Snow:- Website: http://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/- Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/- Facebook - http://facebook.com/masteryourmarriage- TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@masteryourmarriage

21 Juni 202318min

Have you ever thought about your partner, 'Can I trust you?' Are there things you want to tell them but don't, because you're afraid of how they will react? If something is holding you back from sharing your feelings with your spouse, or if you and your partner get defensive when negative emotions get brought up, then today's episode of Master Your Marriage is just for you. Developing emotional safety requires trust and commitment. Trust is a precursor for commitment, creating a wonderful by-product that is emotional safety. In fact, research has proven that couples who display trust and show commitment to each other actually live longer (as much as ten years!). Robert and Sharla, our paragons of relationship intimacy, are articulating the nuanced difference between trust and commitment, and showing how they work hand in hand to deepen our emotional safety. Being emotionally available for your partner means tuning into what they're going through. This requires being comfortable with even their negative emotions so you can sense when something is off. So what does listening to your partner actually look like? How can you become less defensive in the moment?The answers lie within, and of course, as we do the work, we become tolerant of other perspectives – even becoming more open to receiving influence from our spouse. There are some great 'Dos' and 'Don'ts' in this episode that address the skill of listening so that we may feel safe emotionally. Please join us! "The underlying issue behind most conflict is, really, 'Can I trust you?' ~ Sharla Snow"The secret to trust is attuning and listening to each other." ~ Robert Snow In This Episode:- How do we create emotional safety? - What is the difference between trust and commitment?- How trust and commitment have a soothing effect on people's emotions and fears- How do we build trust?- How do we become open to receiving influence from our spouse? - Why it doesn't help to be dismissive of your partner's concerns- Understanding the 'Commitment' mindset- Looking at the counterpart of commitment: betrayal- The link between conflict avoidance and infidelity- How can you increase trust and commitment in your relationship?And so much more!Resources:- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program - https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/MYM423Connect with Robert and Sharla Snow:- Website: http://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/- Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/- Facebook - http://facebook.com/masteryourmarriage- TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@masteryourmarriage

14 Juni 202319min

What does it mean when we become 'flooded' during a stressful conversation with our spouse? Last week Robert and Sharla unpacked our emotional 'triggers,' which could lead to 'flooding' – the theme of this week's scientifically strategic episode.It turns out that taking a break during an argument with a loved one can be healthy. It doesn't always make sense to push through a tough conversation just to prove we are invested in our marriage. When we are triggered into a 'fight or flight' response, it can cause us to disconnect emotionally, leading to behaviors that cause hurt and pain. We see our spouse as the 'threat.' This can cause ‘emotional dysregulation,’ which is our inability to use healthy strategies to diffuse our own negative emotions. There's an entire physiological programming that we are up against that, when understood properly, can be used to our advantage as we 'fight' for the survival of our relationship rather than take 'flight' for the sake of ourselves. From understanding our sympathetic nervous system as the accelerator in our body and the parasympathetic branch of our autonomic nervous system as the brakes, we can use tools like breathing and even oximeters for measuring our bpm to calm ourselves down. When tempers flare, self-soothing is the start of showing you still care.Robert and Sharla expertly unpack how we can better understand and regulate our nervous system and ‘pump the brakes’ so we don't become 'flooded' when faced with an emotional crisis. Learning how to harness the tools of simple science may just be the wake-up call you need to prevent 'flooding' leading to 'isolation' and then ultimately 'divorce.' Thankfully, proactive prevention is just one podcast episode away. "When we become triggered, we become activated into a heightened physiological and emotional state." ~ Robert Snow"When we get activated into fight or flight while we're simply talking to our spouse (about maybe a simple disagreement or a difficult subject), that's gonna be problematic, right? Because now our spouse is that perceived threat." ~ Sharla SnowIn This Episode:- How our innate physiological programming is intended for 'life or death' situations- Understanding 'flooding' and the physical reactions we experience when triggered- What is the 'distance isolation cascade'?- A deep dive into understanding our autonomic nervous system- Understanding 'auditory exclusion' and how our hearing can become impaired in stressful situations- That moment when conflict escalates (and our heart rate goes above 100 bpm)- What can you 'not do' when you're flooded?- How do we get our heart rate back to baseline after an argument? - How can we get out of the stressful situation we find ourselves in with our partners?- What are the Three Steps you should take when you're triggered and then flooded?- How can a pulse oximeter help you manage your bpm levels?- What should you NOT do when you're taking a break? - Homework! Coming up with a strategy (with your spouse) on how to take a breakAnd so much more!Resources:- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program - <a href="https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/MYM423" rel="noopener noreferrer"...

7 Juni 202328min

I'm triggered! We hear those words more and more these days, but what does it actually mean? And more importantly, how can we get better at managing our own triggers?In today's episode of Master Your Marriage, hosts Robert and Sharla are providing us with the tools we need to better navigate conflict in our own relationship. This starts with a clear definition of what a trigger is and continues with learning how to identify them (and perhaps even their source of origin). Whether you get triggered by your loving partner or a stranger on a plane, the physical reaction to being triggered alone can feel debilitating. Your body may well be responding to old wounds.Luckily, your marriage can be your masterclass in personal growth and development. Robert and Sharla beautifully demonstrate how to engage in trigger-identifying exercises from their own experience that can open the door to more empathy with your partner as well as not trying to change them. After all, real empowerment comes from us taking personal responsibility for our own actions. So after exclaiming, "I'm triggered!" your next question should be: what am I going to do about it?"Triggers are like our emotional baggage that we bring into our relationship. And if we don't take the time to unpack our own baggage, we then blame our partner when they trip over the bags that we've left in the middle of the room!" ~ Robert Snow"There's also a possibility of a generational pattern that can be involved in these triggers as well." ~ Sharla SnowIn This Episode:- What are triggers? - How can a trigger be set off? - Are you being triggered to fight or flee?- How to identify your individual triggers- Understanding emotional intelligence as our ability to recover from triggers- Robert and Sharla share their own triggers with each other - What do you do when you've identified your triggers?And so much more!Resources:- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program - https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/MYM423Connect with Robert and Sharla Snow:- Website: http://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/- Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/- Facebook - http://facebook.com/masteryourmarriage- TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@masteryourmarriage

31 Maj 202325min

How do we go about creating change on an unconscious level? Perhaps you haven't quite harnessed the power of your unconscious mind and are curious to know what it is capable of achieving. What could harnessing that power bring to your relationship?Call it what you like – the subconscious, unconscious, or even preconscious mind – Sharla and Robert are sharing how that part of ourselves simply wants more. And what we feed it is up to us. It can be knowledge and positivity, or it can be perpetuating negative belief systems that may stem from childhood wounds like abandonment. And if we want to show up 'whole' for our partner and feel like we are part of a team in our marriage, we need to be brave enough to work through our baggage so that we don't trip over it! Our power lies in harnessing the conscious mind as the goal-setter, and the unconscious mind as the goal-getter. There's much 'more' inside – for both your conscious and subconscious mind. Whatever you believe about your marriage is your marriage. Please join us. "The unconscious mind is conditioned to continually want and desire and seek out more." ~ Sharla Snow"Our unconscious mind seeks more (good or bad), but the question is: more of what?" ~ Robert SnowIn This Episode:- Understanding Edward Bernays' "Engineering of Consent"- How are the parameters of our unconscious mind established?- Unpacking the abandonment wound and the consequences it can cause - Examining how life can become a confirmation of your bias - What do you truly believe about your marriage? - What could your relationship do with a positive belief system? And so much more!Resources:- 8 Pillars Of An Exceptional Marriage - ​​https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/8-pillars- Link to the MYM 8-Week Coaching Program - https://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/MYM423Connect with Robert and Sharla Snow:- Website: http://masteryourmarriagepodcast.com/- Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/masteryourmarriage/- Facebook - http://facebook.com/masteryourmarriage- TikTok - https://www.tiktok.com/@masteryourmarriage

24 Maj 202325min