#247: Is It Your Anxious Attachment... or the Wrong Relationship?

In today’s episode, we’re unpacking one of the most common (and confusing) questions for people with anxious attachment: is it me, or is there something genuinely not right in this relationship?

When you’re used to second-guessing yourself, it can be incredibly hard to know whether your fears and insecurities are coming from your own patterns—or from dynamics that would leave anyone feeling unsafe or unsettled.

In this episode, I explore why this question is so difficult to answer, the role of self-doubt and emotional invalidation, and how to find a more grounded, balanced perspective. I also share some clear examples of behaviours that are likely to create insecurity in any relationship, regardless of your attachment style.

We cover:

Why “is it me or them?” is such a common source of rumination
The role of self-doubt and self-invalidation in anxious attachment
The middle ground between dismissing your feelings and being led by them
Why relationship dynamics are almost always co-created
Examples of behaviours that are objectively difficult to build a secure relationship around
How inconsistency and unpredictability activate anxious attachment patterns
The importance of zooming out and looking at the big picture
When anxiety is a signal of deeper relational misalignment

Resources

Free training: How to Heal Anxious Attachment & Feel Secure in Life and Love

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#248: How to Cope With My Ex Being Happy in a New Relationship (Ask Steph)

In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re talking about how to cope when your ex seems to have moved on soon after your break-up — and is now in a new relationship that appears to be working.This can be an ...

9 Huhti 11min

#246: When Is It a Good Idea to Be Friends with an Ex? (Ask Steph)

In today’s Ask Steph episode, we’re exploring a common question: is it ever a good idea to be friends with an ex?While staying connected can sometimes feel comforting after a breakup, it’s not always ...

2 Huhti 8min

#245: Should Anxiously Attached People Just Avoid Avoidants?

In today’s episode, I’m unpacking why I don’t give the common advice for anxiously attached people to simply avoid avoidant partners.While it might seem like a straightforward way to protect yourself ...

31 Maalis 10min

#244: I Healed My Anxious Attachment… So Why Don’t I Want a Relationship Anymore? (Ask Steph)

In this Ask Steph episode, I’m responding to a question I hear more often than you might expect. Someone has done a lot of work on their anxious attachment patterns, they feel more grounded and secure...

26 Maalis 7min

#243: How to Create Healthy, Balanced Relationships with Nedra Glover Tawwab

In this episode, I’m joined by therapist, bestselling author, and boundaries expert Nedra Glover Tawwab for a powerful conversation on what it really means to have healthy dependency in our relationsh...

24 Maalis 43min

#242: When Does Self-Improvement Become Self-Sabotage? (Ask Steph)

In this Ask Steph episode, I respond to a listener question about the fine line between personal growth and the endless pursuit of self-improvement.While healing, reflection, and growth are powerful t...

19 Maalis 6min

#241: How to Date from Self-Worth

Modern dating can be tough. Between apps, ghosting, and the uncertainty that often comes with meeting strangers outside our social circles, the whole process can be seriously activating — and all the ...

17 Maalis 17min